Autism Life Explained: Alexithymia Q&A (Talking About Emotions)

People wanted me to answer their questions on Autism & Alexithymia, so I did. Three of the most common questions that arose from the recent Verbal Spectrum video on Alexithymia are examined and discussed in depth.

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[nomadicvlad]

I'd just like to say your videos have been really helpful for me, as someone raised by parents who denied the existence of autism and is only recently seeking an autism assessment. Of course a lot of our experiences are very different but knowing that other people go through similar experiences as me, and that I'm not just going insane, is quite comforting. Your videos are very informative, speak very clearly, and you articulate these experiences far better than I could ever do. I also have audio processing/hearing issues and really appreciate that all your videos have subtitles. Keep up the good work :)

[whygoatdagame]

I had an issue like this two plus days ago. Alexithymia & conflict with my sister. She kept trying to get me to tell her why I was angry for getting hit in the face. It seemed simple to me. I was struck in the face!

She wanted a better answer. I didn’t have one. I was angry & I couldn’t verbally communicate any other reason. Not that I needed one. However, she kept telling me how I was wrong for my emotional out burst from being hit. My sister kept saying “I should have controlled my anger”. “I should get over it because it was an accident”. NO!

I don’t like being touched. I especially don’t like being hit in the face. It’s one of my triggers I can’t control. I get very angry & emotional. I start screaming & yelling! I don’t care it’s an accident! It hurts & it’s an emotional tornado after it happens. The last time I got hit in the face by someone, I head butted them in the noise & broke it.

I can’t take getting hit in the face!!! I could explain why. I just wanted her to go away & she wouldn’t leave me alone! It took everything in me to tell her to stop the conversation. We aren’t going to agree. She kept saying, “well, I’m trying to understand”. No you’re not! You’re trying to make me wrong. Go away! Stop talking to me. I don’t have any more words for you to make you understand. Leave me alone!

[oliver]

I was diagnosed with ASD at 22 just a few days ago and I’ve had so many internal struggles in my life not understanding why people don’t just say what they are meaning it’s so confusing and I spent my whole just not airing my views or thoughts because I just struggle to know what people really mean and alexithymia is a massive part of who I am I’ve always had those issues when people ask my how I “feel” about something is so do difficult to answer but if someone asked what I “think” that’s so much easier but people still don’t seem to get what I say because they don’t understand why I’m not emotional about something and I don’t understand why they are in the first place

[PeppermintPatties]

I'm okay with talking therapy because I've spent so long introspecting that I have much of it down pat.
Where I struggle though, is in my everyday interactions and maintaining my relationships. There is such a requirement for unplanned interactions in order to be socially successful, that this is where I struggle. I can't respond appropriately, if at all. It's much simpler to be on my own. And yet I love people and want to be with them.
What to do?! 😕

[maureenbray]

Thank you for this. I didn't realise this. It explains a lot in my life and why I've had so much self doubt and sense of failure

[catiadutra]

Thanks for your help and input. I've been suffering from autistic burnout. I started seeing a therapist and I told her that I believe that I am autistic. For me, naming my feelings is impossible. My therapist things that I'm just depressed, hiding behind my unwillingness to look at the feelings and my hiper and hiposensitivities... She actually ask me what would I, a 41 years old woman do with a autistic label... I need help! Yesterday I started hitting myself, rocking my body and punching the walls, crying like a little child because I needed to file up my covid info online and I just couldn't... I started getting so frustrated that I... I'm full of bruises 😞 My therapist thinks that I don't make friends nor I go out to meet people because I don't give anyone a chance... I feel like no one is willing to give me a chance...
Anyway, just wanted to say that I appreciate your work a lot, I find it very in line with mine experiences.

[micheals]

I hate councelling. When I went I just felt like I was talking to somebody who was paid to say exactly what I wanted to hear. For me it was like seeing a Psychic medium, as I'd say it fits under the umbrella of what I'd class as bolloxology.

[chooseaname]

I would love another video on what types of therapy work better for people with Autism and Alexithymia. 3 years of talk therapy and feeling like it brought zero benefit was so frustrating. Instead I got everything from YouTube or self help books, but only after hours and hours of searching for something that seemed close to what my experience might be. It’s exhausting and I’d like to find a type of therapy that works better for our brains. I’ve delved in to some internal family systems therapy, gestalt and parts theory and those have been helpful so far, but it’s too early to know how helpful. I also noticed that in the self help books like the “unf*ck your boundaries” style books, things just clicked for me. I thought it odd that someone has to raise their voice, put me down and swear at me for me to finally grasp a concept, but later realized it may rather be that it was simply that I needed something short and direct that made logical sense and was very practical and also laid out simple rules to follow….because my autistic brain seems to only work when there are clear rules that makes sense. Also, I have done some bodywork like body scans, meditation and guided visualizations that worked really well when practiced consistently because I’m alexithymic and very detached from what I’m feeling in my body. This type of work helped me slow my mind and learn over time what my body is feeling and have time to put a name to it in a low sensory environment. I often had to use the feelings wheel (google image it) and then I would be able to pick out which word described my feeling best. I’ve also got some severe sensory issues that, until now, I did not recognize and that sensory overload would overwhelm me to the point that there is no way I could make sense of what was happening until a neuropsychologist observed me and explained it to me. With that new information I became more mindful of what I feel when I turn on the lights or at the grocery store, etc. I’m newly diagnosed as autistic at age 37 and lived in deep confusion my whole life so I can’t say for sure if any of what worked for me is helpful for other people on the spectrum, but since you seem so well aware, I would really appreciate some videos about these topics. Its hard for me to find any videos on sensory problems for adults (most are about kids) and the adult ones are usually very short with a brief explanation and some product pitches. I’d love a video with a more in-depth take on causes and what it might feel like and how to cope. I learned that with bright sunlight shining through blinds, I start to feel irritated and it turns to anger if I don’t shut the blinds soon enough. As soon as I shut the blinds, it’s melts away and I’m back to my happy self. I feel like a vampire lol. At the grocery store, I’ve learned I have to shop at night when noise is down and there are less people and I have to listen to something in my headphones and I have to have a list to focus on otherwise I’m distracted for hours and buying everything that’s new and novel. One issue I haven’t figured out yet, is why staring at screens (computer, tv, phones) and being under certain lights make me so agitated that it’s like I’m screaming inside. I absolutely have to look away or leave the room. Its to the point where I cannot work or even function enough to to do emails or pay bills online or even just surf the internet for fun. My eyes hurt as well. I’m unsure if this is flicker rate, blue light, glare, or some other medical cause aside from autistic sensory issues. I’ve heard of things like irlene syndrome and the use of colored overlays and glasses too….but I don’t have the money to buy all the products to test them out. I’m waiting to be seen and tested by a sensory occupational therapist or an assistive technology specialist. Hopefully one of them will know….but if you do, I would appreciate a video about this. Thank you for what you do!

[mike-williams]

This was one of those ASD videos where I experience my identification viscerally. Once I had the alexythymia word (about three years ago) about 50 years of autistic memories made sense. The meltdowns and near-meltdowns have often come out of people digging relentlessly with "why don't you know how you're feeling?" and "why are you reacting [to my shoutiness] this way?"

[benmitchell]

Always appreciate your videos /nods nods/

[autiejedi]

Your answers to these questions were excellent. Great discussion. Thanks! 💜

[MartKart]

I hate it when people use metaphors and sayings and phrases, when used directly at me as they expect me to understand. They assume it's universal, their speech.

[robertjohnburton]

Yes, it is true. I have had, 'Why did you say that?" Thrown at me since I can remember.

[youtubefans]

I had no contact with my late father after a break up, I very very rarely saw him shortly I had a need jerk reaction to avoid confrontation many feelings : discomfort, resentment anger, but the one strong feeling that I did not analyse or identify is LOVE, despite everything, I expercienced a cocktail of feelings, how could I not realize for all those years that I loved him despite everything
I had severe poverty during childhood that meant that I was a cross between a child and a teenager at most when I was 25 (trauma) because of poverty and I really did not realize this
also I lived my life getting used to having no contact and then he died, I have never felt so much intense pain and remorse and self blame in my life, does anyone know the answer to this ?
also when I was 15 16 I missed the love of my youth and felt empty, I did not realise that this empty feeling meant that I missed her

[micheals]

Its big clives brother 😅 ← because he has a beard and glasses and I have faceblindness 😂

[freerideziege]

Thanks for explaining it once more. I think i fnally understand the concept of alexithymia.

P.s.: 6:40 is there someone swimming in the stormy sea in the background ? 😲