Under All Anger Is Fear

"Under all anger is fear, and under all fear is fear of loss."
~ Unknown
I remember reading or hearing this in the past, and have always wanted to include it in one of my weekly posts because of how it can help us understand our own anger, as well as the anger of others. Of course, I'm sure that there are some who might have trouble understanding this concept because we generally don't think of people who are angry as frightened. In fact, they seem to be quite the opposite. I'm going to suggest, however, that this is because we are limiting our view of what it means to be "frightened" to only one aspect of the fight-or-flight continuum (that of flight, or cowering/withdrawing from a conflict).

If you have attended any of my presentations and/or read any of my books, you know that my system for understanding and influencing our lives (and the lives of others) begins by determining which part of the brain is engaged. When we are coming from the lower 20% (the brainstem) we tend to react in a fight-or-flight manner. Further, the determinant of which part of the brain is engaged is the middle brain or the limbic system which routes the data it receives from our five senses either up to the neocortex, or down to the brainstem depending upon whether the data is interpreted to be a threat to our physical safety and/or emotional peace of mind.

This means that when we are angry, we are concerned about something. This explains why we can almost always put "I was afraid that" in front of our reasons for being angry, i.e., "I was angry because I was afraid that he/she didn't respect me, value me, or our personal or professional relationship, wouldn't listen to me, do what I asked, would criticize me, etc." Or, even if we are angry at ourselves, we could say it was because we were afraid that we had failed in some way, or didn't listen to our intuition and/or our own good advice, etc. Same with others.

Bottom line, what the first part of this week's quote tells us is that "under all anger is fear," and if we can begin to identify the fear or concern, we can begin to understand our anger (and the anger of others) from an "awareness/good information" perspective (versus a reactive strike out/withdraw perspective) and thus be able to respond in a more purposeful way. Most would say that there is value in this skill.

As valuable as this is, the second half of the quote ("and all fear is fear of loss") can, in my humble opinion, be even more enlightening, because it allows us to see even deeper into the depths of anger, and thus understand its meaning and message in an even more profound way. Once again, we must be careful here (full of care) to not oversimplify, and thus limit the meaning of the quote by thinking "loss" only applies to someone dying or even losing a job. Instead, we need to understand how fear of loss can refer to the loss of respect or the inability to have things turn out the way we want. It can refer to someone fearing that they will lose face, the ability to be in control of their own life, be heard, be seen as important or worthy of respect, attention, appreciation, love, etc.

So, if this is true (that under all anger is fear, and all fear is fear of loss) how is this perspective helpful? To answer this, I think we must first look back at how we have experienced/reacted to/dealt with anger in the past. When we were reacting to anger in others, most would say that we either got angry ourselves, or felt intimidated by the extreme nature of their emotion (fight or flight). If we were the one to get angry first, we most likely tried to use this energy to change the situation ("I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more and therefore you had better... or else!") or became angry at, or ashamed of our own anger and turned it inward upon ourselves.

Given that in retrospect most people would say that neither of these actions or reactions were particularly effective, maybe what we need is a new way to respond to anger in both ourselves and others in the future. If so, then this week's quote could be the key to this new response. In other words, if we are truly able to see the fear of loss beneath our anger and the anger of others, then we have the option of responding to that fear versus the mask of rage that has been clouding our vision for so long.

We have the option of responding to others as frightened versus frightening which should allow us to interact with them in a more purposeful manner. We have the option of understanding the fears beneath our own anger and then moving to address these concerns more directly, which should allow us to become more influential in our lives and the lives of others. Bottom line, when we can begin to see all anger as fear of loss, we will finally be dealing with our deepest truth which can finally free us to pursue our highest purpose of bringing clarity, confidence, and creativity to all aspects of our lives.

[psychjr]

As a psychiatrist, I loved your video.  It was so spot on!  All I do now is prescribe medications (insurance...of course). I miss my days of doing therapy. Thanks again for your concept of anger. I think it will help many of my patients who have anger issues.

[zetzswayx]

I'm 21 with a 2 year old son, I was raised with a abusive bipolar mother and insanely strict (only abusive when i was younger) father, and ever since I was around 16 a teacher helped me realized I don't have to be a product of that, I can care love and find wisdom to help me go anywhere in life, every year I feel like I've learned so much that I feel like my 12 month past prior self is stupid in comparison. But I'm not telling a happy story it feels like, no matter how much I am enlightened to how life and humans work, I'm just realizing how depressed am I and didn't notice and little progress I've actually made, I understand my depression, hopelessness, sadistic petty thoughts, and rage are left over defensive bad habits I picked up when I was younger and understand they are dumb and in My hands to fix it I believe I can do it, but I'm baffled when it comes to figuring out HOW to literally do it. I have a gut feeling the answer is somewhere around changing my perspective and how I value life not taking it for granted or something, but I have no clue what the real answer is and even if my guess is right how do i go about doing anything about it, what do I need to ask myself or experience?. Thank you for making this video I often get angry sometimes thinking that great wise people exist that can say things as helpful as this and I had no idea about it until I was looking for answers on my own. I bet teen suicide would be close to non existent if psychological wisdom of this calibur was a core class from elementary through high school, maybe that's arrogant or kinda offensive to say but, every time in my life where I have very seriously considered suicide as a teen NOTHING helped more than wise adults in my life making me under stand life and emotions better. Thank you. I literally found this video from typing "Profound Anger" in youtube hoping to find some wisdom before I lost it in frustration of not understanding my anger. I have high expectations for being a good father I feel like I'm a million miles away from achieving it because as usual I'm being my own worst and only enemy but I know it's possible I'm just stuck at this part of the puzzle looking for help.

[johndavis]

Bit late to the party, but thank you for this video. I'd heard about the relationship between fear and anger, but this explained it really well. Looking forward to processing my emotions better 😁😁

[seankeikbusch]

Under all anger is fear and all fear is fear of loss. I just came to that conclusion moments before searching "relationship of fear and anger, " It occurred to me as I considered my own anger over my partners addiction problems. I've got a lot of stuff to figure out.

[thisdudeactuallysaid]

is this the author of life lessons? because him and his wife wrote a book that at some point spoke about this
if he isn't the author I am happy to know that there is someone else speaking about this because when I read the book I entirely agreed and I loved it because it is the truth and just seeing this man speak about it on video and making it more accessible and more understandable for other people is just great thank you so much for the upload

[leojablonski]

loss is fear of animation, thanatos.

[safia]

How do I manage my emotions when someone is angry and that fear comes up for me? Especially when it’s with a patient I’m serving. Thanks!

[rodsmith]

Are you talking of 'Unhealthy Fear' as apposed to Healthy Fear which if I understand correctly is a natural friend to keep us safe, from back in the old days when a mountail lion might want to attack us as food? I have a Fear of confrontation a fear of rejection and a Fear of being Judged which have ruled my life. Is it fair to say I Fear losing my 'Mask' my 'Front' that what I put out to the World as 'me' which is inauthentic. If I no longer fear losing this mask I would then suppose I am becoming Authentic. Is all Fear of Loss a Fear of Losing this Mask?

[garythomas]

... there is so much hocus pocus in psychology.

[robinnickell]

It's not fear of loss that doesn't make sense it is not understanding something you don't understand why you lose things people Etc