The #1 way you're ruining conversations

connect

starring -
Melissa Macedo
Michelle Macedo

shot by Auden Bui

grip - Melissa Gasca, John Lee

sound - John Lee

edited by Ben Chinapen

[Zarolea]

As someone who grew up shy and introverted, this is like a life hack. Just ask people about themselves. Everyone's favorite topic to talk about is themselves. You'll never come off as awkward cause they're focused on themselves and so happy that someone is listening to them talk about themselves.

[Shyringa]

I've always been really bothered when people always make everything about themselves so for the longest time I've made a conscious effort of always giving people support responses and talking about them. Then I kind of got used to it and embraced my role as "the friend who's a really good listener". It has left me with friendships where people tell me that they don't know me at all and how our friendships are unequal because I never tell them anything about myself and that I'm a too private person. So... balance in everything, I guess, lmao!

[jan-bean]

A word of caution: I have done the support response for most of my life, and while it’s comforting to others, it tends to make others feel alienated from you. In my experience, people feel comfortable to be vulnerable often only after you establish that vulnerability yourself, by sharing things about your struggles. I think there should be a delicate balance between both in relationships. Really the key is about being able to discern when what is needed.

[RondyWooten]

"Enough about me, let's talk about what YOU think about me." is an actual quote from Johnny Bravo.

[avae]

An interesting fact about this one is that neurodivergent people (specifically autistic people and ADHDers) tend to naturally gravitate towards sharing our own stories - it's our way of showing that we relate. We usually don't intend to shift the attention back onto us, we just want to acknowledge that we understand what they're saying and then let them keep talking, but it does often kill the conversation.
Bonus points if we don't understand why they're not talking anymore until hours later when we're re-analyzing every sentence we uttered.

[albuslee]

As a socially awkward person, If anyone have taught me this when I was a child, I would have lived a vastly different life.

[destyniiskywalker]

I like when my friends do shift responses though. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in my struggles and gives me perspective on what they're going through without me having to ask. 😂 I want relatability in my conversations! Otherwise I'd just go to a therapist, lol

[lady_cassandra]

I think the sweet spot is balance. Relate your experiences so they don't feel alone AND hold space for them to tell their story. Don't do either to the excess, or you'll be making it all about you/never sharing anything about yourself, and making them feel like there's something wrong with them.

[hempseedaddict]

"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness."
Margaret Millar

[asghiasughiqughbqwg]

Support responses are definitely great. I saw some article recently that basically says you need a mix of both. People who only offer support responses do exist, and it's hard to have a conversation with them too because you have to carry the whole thing. When you offer a mix of supports and shifts, you're basically expanding the conversational possibility space. Someone might be done talking about their problem at work today and be ready to shift to something else, so your shift response could be welcome.

At least that was what I got out of it. The article was titled "Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs" in case you wanted to go look it up.

[ohno]

Actually sometimes (I believe this is common among other autistic folks) someone else sharing their experiences in conversations is really comforting! Of course it's still best to open with something along the lines of 'I've had a similar experience, would it help you feel less alone right now for me to talk about it or would you prefer supportive listening right now?' and it depends on the person you're talking to, but I am always greatly comforted when people relate to me through their experiences. It's always best to ask, but I wouldn't outright dismiss it as wrong.

[johannaheider]

Tbh I feel like it shouldn't be one or the other. Shift responses can feel like you're making it all about themselves, but support responses can also feel like an interrogation if you overdo it

[Duran]

1:32 -- Omg please do this voice more often. This silly bit killed me. Especially the slightly southern drawl on "myself".

[hisopio]

Girl now you have me watching my mouth every conversation

[sealwhiskers]

I used to always 100% do support responses and it would sometimes result in a lot of unreturned emotional labour 😮‍💨 So for me, I now do this with caution, especially to avoid those who may unconsciously take advantage of me

[michaelromick]

I learned about active listening from some research in either a psych class or a rehab studies class, and I immediately understood so many things I did wrong and also why certain things made ME uncomfortable in a conversation. The biggest one for me was giving advice. Or at least unsolicited advice. It's like you said, shifting it to me do that I can show you that I know something. I HATE when people give me unsolicited advice. Now, I try to always ask people if they want advice, and I tell the people around me to do that for me.

[celinepope]

Well, a symptom of ADHD appears to be shift response. But I've mastered the art of making the shift response and asking a question at the end.

[sarjulia]

Here's a shift response for ya: hmmmm, this explains why I know much about many people... I've always wondered why everyone seems happy telling me their secrets, but now I know. Thank you. Apparently I run on native Support Response Mode.

[kittycat]

I have a friend whose only replies are to hold space and never relates and never centers themselves, and I have to tell you it is the most EXHAUSTING thing. Even if you ask them questions directly it ends up back on you!! I only realized when I was unconsciously dodging them and realized it was because talking to them was so tiring. Def a good balance to both types necessary.

[thatjeff]

Thanks for the third option of, "So am I; how are you handling it?" bit for your example. I try to show that I'm relating to what the person is saying by sharing that I've gone through whatever they're going through but sometimes I worry that they think I'm trying to turn the conversation around to me. I'm not trying to; I'm trying to show that I can relate to them on that particular subject.