Aggressive, Assertive, Passive, Passive-Aggressive Styles and Borderline Personality

In this video I discuss the good, bad, and problematic behavioral styles: aggressive, assertive, passive, and passive-aggressive, and how they related to those with BPD traits and those with borderline personality disorder.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

[BitterSweetCoffee]

I wish people understand how hard it is to be assertive when you grow up not being ok to express your feelings, emotions and opinions. More so, when it felt unsafe to be speak your mind, so with time, you end up being passive and consequently aggressive. I get how hard it is to deal with someone with BPD, but it also helped people with BPD if people are more understanding, open minded and communicative.

[priscilla]

I've listened to so many channels on BPD and you are by far the most helpful to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your knowledge and time with us. It means more than you know! You are a godsend.

[SarahKesslerArt]

Thank you for another awesome video!
Im a "quiet" borderline and I had core content super triggered in a relationship and instead of panicing or sending needy texts about the uncertainty i had, i just reached out and let the person know that i had been triggered but didnt want to take things the wrong way and i wanted to understand better, so if/when they had time if they could text me and touch base that i would appreciate it. Then I stayed productive after that instead of waiting for a text back or being passive aggressive. I did better at asserting myself today!

[itsameasaraht]

Until this video I thought I was too assertive, but now I realize I'm not assertive enough until the time has already passed. That's a really interesting perspective shift. Thank you for your videos.

[michelemarie]

I grew up being "muted" that as an adult I teeter on Passive..and Passive aggressive. Thank you Dr. Fox. Awesome topic per usual👍

[LoriDaFuque]

I wish you were somehow compensated financially or otherwise for the amazing amount of help you've provided through your videos. An indicator that you're hitting a topic exactly accurately is how many times I have to replay the video to make sure I wasn't letting myself get distracted (a self-sabotage technique I have caught myself doing when someone is telling me uncomfortable realities)

Your workbook has been so helpful, your videos: life-changing.

Thanks. You are very appreciated.

[DUB-sential]

I'd like to thank you it's not often I hear positive momentum for people suffering with this.

[Gigi-dgmu]

i grew up with a verbally abusive father who never let anyone express their feelings or thoughts and would scare everyone into silence with his alcoholic fits of rage. This I feel might be my core content of avoidance with communication because i have trouble expressing my needs and feelings with people. It seems unnatural to be assertive like I am going against this resistance inside when there is a confrontation that involves my feelings.Dr. Fox is absolutely right on this one.The trajectory for me is other core content is triggered from the distorted lens--> i start getting angry and hurt--> then i get passive aggressive -->it builds up--> i explode because my needs aren't met--> i split the person--> I rage at them and break it off--> i ghost them--> i feel numb for about a month or so--> the intense grief and sadness surfaces because of the loss-->i become bed bound and isolated and can't function the emotions are too much-->i engage in bad coping behaviors--> the other person is devastated, hurt, and confused. Repeat.

[melissachinnici]

Words can't convey how grateful I am to be able to turn to your videos in times of hardship. I really needed this right now. Thank you for all that you do.

[dakotarobinson]

I was just diagnosed as Borderline today after many years of thinking I only had anxiety and depression. Since, I’ve been watching your videos and I’ve been noticing a lot of things I’ve done in the past or still do and just wow.... it’s nice to finally know WHY I’ve felt/ done these things throughout my life.

[elcolin_]

You're amazing Dr. Fox. I am on a quest to watch all your videos regarding BPD. I can't thank you enough for speaking and educating the world about this disorder. Help for me oftentimes feels out of reach

[DebyCedars]

The other day, I was assertive living with my brother-in-law. He had his bedroom door open and the T.V. was unusually loud. I looked right at him and said "Can I close your door?" I know he heard me, but he walked into his bathroom and ignored me. He ignores me a lot! I then asked again the same question. When I did not get a response. I slammed his door so that it would make a loud noise. Then he finally responded by yelling "Why did you slam the door?" I then said " Can you turn your T.V down it's kinda loud" (Actualy there was no kind of about it.) He then shouted "YOU MIND YOUR OWN then got into a heated argument with Me yelling taking care of myself is my business. His wife was in the later explained to her what happened she acted like she blamed me for the tension. I have a torn meniscus in my left leg and I have to wak on crutches. I still have to live with this piece of I'm pissed off about it.

[KaisaSalonpaa]

Can you make a video of inner child, parent and adult and what are their roles in BPD? Thank you! ☺️☺️

[musicandairplanes]

Thank you so much, I was getting separated from my wife. She was leaving me and she told me I was passive aggressive. I didn’t know what that meant so I looked it up. I went through a checklist of passive aggressive. I found a few things like, I’m sarcastic, I’m sometimes passive. I’ll let things happen and I don’t do anything because I’m trying to keep the relationship together and not be too aggressive. Because I’ve been told in the past I’m very aggressive, so I try to hold that back. But I also have been a manager most of my life, so I tried to be assertive and get things done.
This video helped me very much. I see now I need to be assertive like I was in the military and as a manager in civilian life and tell people what I want and how I feel, especially about my emotions and my relationship with them and interaction, and give them time to respond and tell me how they feel about my response to them . Patience is very important, but you can’t become passive, and at the same time you don’t want to be aggressive and push too hard to get an answer.
I would really like to have her back as my wife, but she’s pretty much made up her mind so moving into other other relationships. I want to not make the same mistakes I made in this one.

[DwellerOfTheEarth]

This is all so true. I've definitely been overly passive. I start with passivity, then either get passive aggressive or straight to aggressive. But being assertive can be hard I think because I have this idea in my mind that if I'm assertive and what I want doesn't happen then that failure to have my needs met will hurt too much and I won't be able to handle it. That's why the passivity/waiting happens. I know logically in my mind that yes, being assertive is the best way and it's often easier to do than I work it up as in my mind.

[xomegsxo]

I swear, every video you post is perfect timing for me 😂❤️❤️ thank you again for another helpful video! I do the work everyday to become healthy in my thinking & behaviors 💕

[Theinsomniac]

This is an excellent video. Thank you so much.

[emwaaaa]

Your videos help me understand myself and validate my thoughts into words if that makes sense

[charles]

my wife and I just watched this. I am in a VA program called SAH and I a in the program because I am definitely passive Aggressive and not very assertive. I can't believe I am just discovering this at 74

[laurenlexa]

Hi Dr. Fox! Just a thought: could you make a video that includes the topic of feeling contempt towards others (as someone with BPD)? this would be interesting and insightful :))