The INFJ Door Slam

In this video I take a look at the INFJ Door Slam, which is a relationship based issue that many INFJs experience and struggle with. What conditions create a fertile breeding ground for the INFJ Door Slam to flourish? Watch the video for more.

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[abilinc]

I tend to think that instead of a door slam, it is a gradual closing of a door. However, the finality of the door finally closing is what catches people off guard. Because INFJs do a lot of their processing internally, I think that many aren't actually able to see the process of the door closing slowly, just the final "slamming" result.

[isobeltotten]

i sometimes think us trying so hard in relationships gives people this false sense of security that we will always be there no matter how they behave, which both causes them to feel comfortable treating us badly if they are so inclined, and makes us eventually cutting them out of our lives all the more jarring.

[serban]

The INFJ SLAM A.K.A. "you gave me no choice after the 14th 2nd chance" ...I see you're a man of culture as well lol

[presentlybikepacking]

An INFJs door slam is a gut-wrenchingly final straw. It propells us into another universe for awhile, just to recover from that relationship.

[Allorie]

The INFJ door slam often feels shocking because it’s hard for others to believe that someone so kind and tolerant could completely cut ties. INFJs are known for their patience and compassion, often enduring mistreatment and allowing others to take advantage of their kindness. They become deeply integrated into people’s lives, offering unwavering support. But when they’ve had enough, they reach a breaking point. Without warning, they cut the connection completely, as if the person never existed. For the INFJ, this act is a form of self-healing, while for the other person, it can feel deeply jarring and even traumatic.

[sarahofer]

And there it is: a healthy INFJ would avoid an unhealthy relationship from the get-go. That one lesson took me the better part of 30 + years to internalize. Today I am aware of those red flags and take them seriously.

[lifeofmim]

For me the door slam would come after so much time and trying. It happened a few times but when it did, it’s like the Decision was out of my hand. I am not angry but accepting that the relationship has come to an end and not one more minute can be invested. So a door slam to me is completely letting go of someone in an instant as a form of protection with a final mental result that that person is not right for me.

[TheMachetita]

Thank you!❤️"it doesn't feel like a decision" "to everyone around it seems rushed and impulsive but to the INFJ its literally been 8 years in the making"

[MarlaMcGregor]

I am guilty of the door slam. I have had several people tell me they were shocked at my ability to "flip a switch." But It's absolutely an intuition thing.

[deon]

I agree that most people we run into havent worked on their emotional intelligence. Something I've also noticed is being self-aware and emotionally intelligent sometimes repels people too. Having a personal growth mindset can be intimidating or uninteresting to some people.

[love]

I know the feeling you are talking about.. the door slamming not being voluntary. It is almost as if something just clicks in your head. You don’t want to give up, you’ve tried everything, for far too long, but there comes a moment, kind of like the last piece of a puzzle falling into place and it simply clicks. You see the whole picture for what it is, you see that there is no point anymore. Its a kind of an acceptance.. and you just let go. I remember when I broke up with my ex years ago. I remember the feeling as clear as day. We were arguing in the car (not yelling or anything but arguing over the same things as we always did).. and he said something to me which was like a last drop that overflows the glass.. and all of a sudden, a moment of clarity. His voice faded away as he continued to talk and I slipped into the inner world where this process was taking place. A sudden, very clear, very final realization that there was nothing more I could possibly do or say that will change the situation. I remember it was raining, I zeroed in on the drops on the window as I sat there and peacefully accepted this realization. A realization that once I walked out of that car, I wouldn’t look back. For me it was our final ride together, for him, what was to come would be out of nowhere. He dropped me off, I walked out and didn’t look back. That’s was it. I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want it.. but I’m grateful for it.

[sentarose]

When I have cut somebody out of my life it becomes a full removal and I have no more contact with them. and I think that is what people pick up on is the door slam is that once we've decided that we have done all we can the other person is not doing what is needed on their end for the relationship to continue we just walk away clean. This is because we are not feeling the need to be in a relationship in this desperate drive that we have to be there so much so that we're willing to put up with any bad behavior on the other person's part because we are so desperate to be with them. INFJs are not desperate to be with somebody we want to be with somebody.

now this includes friendships as well I would rather be completely alone with no friends at all than to be with people who are verbally emotionally abusive to me. I also don't want somebody and even a friendship that has no ability to understand that I need alone time. So for relationship just doesn't work for me I don't see a reason to remain in it and I don't see a reason to keep the door open because I'm not desperate to have that person in my life.

INFJs are social friendly loving caring people. But we are not desperate.

[DeyaIV]

An INFJ don’t want gossip, backbiting or talking about others, it’s considered low and disgusting by a INFJ. Progress is key, when our progress is being mocked and diminished it’s clearly the relationship (friendship, family, work or partnership) won’t work. I really love how you explain this, thanks 🙏🏼

[JaymePaladino]

To me this feels like something died. I may watch a relationship deteriorate for a while but if there's any life left I'll keep trying. Then there's a point where it's really dead and nothing more can be done. You just know it.

[cpgm]

in some general friendship scenarios I've door slammed a couple of times and they keep thinking it's a matter of forgiveness and that I can't be with them because i can't forgive but it's not about forgiveness, I don't even think of it like that, it's just that I cant have you in my life anymore, i just cant handle you and when i tell them this somewhat inderiectly it just doesnt register that i can forgive but not let them back in

[BirkeClara]

I try not to 'doorslam' in an intense way anymore, I just stop investing in the friendship or relationship slowly and then it naturally disappears over time. When I was younger I would do it in a more dramatic way and yeah, other people would be kind of shocked, especially in regards to romantic ones. I just think that to an INFJ it almost feels like a personal failure if a relationship does not work out or works out in a good way and therefore, when we come to the point where we realize it's not working, all of a sudden all the investment we made feels like a waste of time and energy and when we feel energized (after the doorslam) again then we would rather not spend more energy on that person at all - if that makes sense?

[lancelotdufrane]

Hello, Clay. Great analogies. I pushed away from the dinner table, and walked away, at 21 years of marriage. No one understood, I’d known, we could not make it to the rocking chairs, ... at least, 8 years, before. For me, ..I kept trying to “explore” the thinking process of my spouse, ... and constantly received, disgust, frustration, and outright angry irritation, for my need to connect and understand. Cable snapped. No more sand through the fingers. Done. Self preservation, kicked in. Door slam, seems like a good description. INFJ... and Narcissist. So common. So doomed.. Thanks for the clarity.

[suefluger]

Thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully express this. I feel very seen. It is a poignant experience being an INFJ.

[sandwitch]

I don't usually comment on your videos even though I watched quite a few of them over the past months. But I feel I need to express how important this is.
This video really helped me understand myself, a few of my behaviors and why so many of my relationships don't work. You're describing what I went through with a few friends, my mother and my ex (we stayed together for 9 years and I feel I spent 6 of them draining myself trying to reach out and fix things). For each of these relationships, I went crazy - obsessing really - clinging to hope and trying to fix things until I just couldn't anymore and it became obvious it was useless.
I also agree on the fact an healthy INFJ wouldn't find themselves in relationships like that to begin with or would just "detach" themselves and wouldn't expect so much.
Anyway, thank you for this and for opening so much. Might sound a bit dumb but you make a difference in the world.

[emilyl]

This is an incredible breakdown and so true. The last time I doorslammed someone was last year. I had been dating this guy and I thought things were going well. And then he started to breadcrumb me, messaged me less, etc. I was really upset because I had put myself out there and had come out of my shell. The moment I felt I could relax he pulled away. I became unsettled and I wanted out. There is absolutely no reason to me to give my time, attention and feminine energy to someone not interested so I pulled the plug and sent a short, cold text message informing him he would not be wasting my time. I'm sure it caught him off guard, but I felt like that was the only way to maintain my dignity. It felt good at first but I nursed my wounds privately and it took me a long time to get over the disappointment. While it may be emotionally immature, I still think it's better to leave an unpleasant situation early rather than to linger and hope that the person will come to their senses. Now I know this act of swift termination is called the INFJ door slam 😊