Ranking Every Smash Bros Stage by How Safe It Is

#asphaltlegendsunite #alupartner

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is DANGEROUS. That's why my safety partner Randy and I inspected and ranked every stage from least safe to most safe.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ About j0rts ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Hi there! I'm j0rts (Ben), and I like to explore mostly pointless things in video games while playing them in weird, unconventional ways.

Despite my name, this channel has nothing to do with jorts. In fact, I've never even worn a pair of jorts in my life. I just find the word fun to say... j o r t s.

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[jrts]

Stay safe out there and keep an eye out for bowling balls.

#asphaltlegendsunite #alupartner

[Pumpernikkle]

my favorite part is how your mii looks like a nice respectable worker

[adampelletier]

I disagree with Luigi's Mansion rating, any house is unsafe if you go and destroy all the structural supports.

[terrivel]

“The fact that aliens exist here brings this to a 5.4/10.”

Yeah, but did the aliens bring the score up or down? We need to know!

[FalseHerald]

I'm not sure your analysis of these stages meets my standards for rigor and consistency. This Randy guy on the other hand, he seems like a sharp fellow. He's always showing initiative and investigating hazards face first.

[jwadehoogie]

I really hope Randy gets good healthcare with this job.

[Introbulus]

If we all ask j0rts to make a video about which fighter in Smash Ultimate is most safe, we can trick him into making a fighter tier list.

[mimisezlol]

The sequel to the unraveled OSHA violation video

[juliawozniczko]

"What do you think randy?"

Randy: *yeets himself off*

[Potable_scent]

For garden of hope, Olimar is conducting a construction business that isn't even authorised let alone safe
He has the pikmin working for free with unsafe conditions and many have even died
Especially working in unsafe conditions with the bulborbs walking around

[AlessandroVigliotti-nyjw]

The safe inspector will be so happy after discovering you can turn off stage hazards!

[elvingearmasterirma]

Randy when he sees a ledge: Fare thee well my fine friends. Gravity calls to me

[StrikeLaserEyes]

Somehow Randy walked enough that he randomly found his way to the safety team and just so happened to input enough right answers that the managed to get hired.

[pikachuscoobydoo]

My favorite part of this was watching Randy jumping off the edges of the stages and getting attacked by stage hazards 😂

[katiemutschler]

I usually watch these videos to relax before bed but the comedic timing of Randy kept me giggling too much. Reminded me of when I was at sleepovers supposed to be sleeping but too busy giggling. 9.1/10

[absolutetrash]

Hello Mr.Jorts I hope this message finds you in good health,

I'm Absolute Trash from our company's Customer Service Department and we've received a number of complaints from customers about some safety concerns over in Minecraftia. Some of the structures that customers had visited had some safety concerns of ours. We've had reports of TNT traps, crumbling bridges over lava, fish curses, hostile necromancers, and exorbitant prices for potatoes and want you to go check in on it for us.

Thanks,
Absolute Trash, Customer Service Manager.

P.S. Isn't it a bit strange our company requires us to use our gamer tags?

[maurtendo]

When Randy spiked you.... I have never been so proud of an AI before.

[dstrbds]

I know it was edited, but Randy had peak comedic timing. Great video.

[OtisPoisson-xc]

I would trust randy to do my life choices taxes and transactions

[CinnaSwirls]

Safety concerns I noticed that weren't covered:

On Peach's Castle, (not to be confused with Princess Peach's Castle), you forgot to mention pinch points. If you trip and your fingers are on that stone platform, you could lose your hand or more, and then the rest of you might still fall anyway.

In Green Greens, so of the apples that Whispy Woods drops are apparently so hard, that fighters would rather throw them as a weapon. There are normal apples as you would expect, and I could see someone doing dental damage if they get them mixed up. There's also nowhere to wash the apples.

In Onnet, the drug store sign falls down often, and this creates an unclear egress path in front of the store.

In Subcon- Huh? Oh. Okay. I'm getting word that this place is bizarrely named Mushroom Kingdom II. We'll have to put a pin in Peach's apparent thirst for conquest for now though, because all of the small squares the make up beings and terrain here seem to look pretty sharp, and I imagine this could cause some cuts to our more 3-dimensional lifeforms.

Helicopter rotor blades in Fourside appear to be pretty close to the straight line fighters agree to fight upon. If anyone accidentally dips into that Z access at the wrong time, they could be diced into corpses.

Main platform in Delphino Plaza has large grating holes that small fighters could trip in, potentially even twisting and breaking limbs. Does Master Hand even care about safety?

Sand particles in Mushroomy Kingdom can irritate eyes, possibly even causing infections or leading to vision impairment. That could cause someone to not even notice the narrow pits.

In Frigate Orpheon, the gravity switching could cause someone to seriously injure their head on a platform.

In Pokémon Stadium 2, with the conveyor belts, I would like to remind you about pinch points. We don't exactly opt into these belts.

Port Town Aero Drive's sky is beautiful, and that is not a good stage for such a stunning distraction. A safer time of day may be considered instead.

Statues in Castle Siege are carelessly placed in the fighter path, and are destructible. Heavy stone could fall on someone as a result.

There is a destructible floor in New Pork City directly over a death pit.

An icicle on Icicle Mountain frequently forms, falls, and will damage anyone in its path.

We all know about the hurricane that sends Pirate Ship into the air.

In Electroplankton, the water cannot be swam in. It is a trap. Anyone without this knowledge will fall to their death.

Golden Plains causes inflation, which isn't an immediate danger but will eventually endanger us all.

Dream Land Game Boy will eventually feature death pits, but you are in a Game Boy so I don't exactly know where you end up.

Mute City SNES, again, pixels are sharp.

Coliseum leaves gears exposed, which is a recipe for accidental finger removal. The lack of machine guards here is critical.

Super Mario Maker is highly unpredictable and sometimes features exposed lava. Conveyor belt pinch point. Ice possible.

Spiral Mountain's spinning may cause dizziness or vertigo.

Mishima's Dojo has the fire reasonably away from the action, but with the wooden walls breaking I fear the whole building can catch fire thanks to the possibility of planks of wood sailing through the torches.