How to Stop Beating Yourself Up - Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem - The Friend Advice Technique

Today we’re going to talk about beating yourself up. Whether you made a stupid mistake, you lost your cool with someone you care about or you’re just a perfectionist with imposter syndrome - It’s easy to get sucked into the toilet hole of beating yourself up.
And then you do this ridiculous thing which I’m going to call the “The Self-Exemption-Bias” which keeps you trapped in the cycle.
Being too hard on yourself decreases your confidence and your sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
But the good news is that you can learn to stop beating yourself up, improve your self-esteem and learn to feel self-compassion and love.

Most of you are highly sensitive people, you internalize things, you’d never treat another person the way you’re treating yourself. This is what I call the self-exemption-bias where for some ridiculous reason, you believe that you’re the exception to this whole-kindness thing. That everyone else out there deserves gentle understanding, second chances, and a listening ear, but you’re the only person in the entire population of 8 billion people who deserves to be treated like crap. You really value it when your friend opens up about their struggles, but if you share then you spend the next day beating yourself up for oversharing.

0:00 Introduction
0:35 Beating Yourself Up
1:51 How the Self-Exemption Bias Leads to Beating Yourself Up
2:52 How to Practice Self-Compassion

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[e_i_e_i_bro]

No joke, I literally just thought to myself "why can I only criticize myself, and not praise myself for things I'm doing well" and this video popped up. Perfect timing!

[veryberry]

You were able to say "Emma, you are worthy of love" without choking up and fighting off tears. I'm doing that just THINKING about putting my name in there.

[vanjvila]

Whenever I feel down and scared I search your videos to help me cope up with what Im feeling and your videos really helped me a lot.

[sadiaarman]

All real and close relationships get a little bit messy. Don't berate yourself everytime you mess up. Treat yourself as you would treat another person, with compassion.

[kentanderson]

I tell myself this often. I would never speak to a friend, or even a stranger, the way I speak to myself. Negative self talk is truly destructive. I'm nearly 60, have done lots of therapy, and I'm still working on this.

[afrinakhanam]

One sentence
You are an amazing therapist.
My paid therapist never told me this.

[shantcheetah]

A big part of loving yourself is accepting your flaws. It’s very easy to beat yourself up when things go wrong.. but to learn from your mistakes & keep moving on, that takes COURAGE & I believe everyone is capable of this.

[squirrelmummy]

Can you do one on how to cope when people hurt us or anger us please? It's hard not to ruminate over it and obsess. That would be so helpful. Thanks for all this great content.😊

[dannysunwantedopinions]

As children we can’t rationalize so we have to come up with an explanation for why we feel unloved or unwanted. The two most common “survival explanations” are blame and shame. Blame...(there is something very wrong with everyone else) Shame (there’s something very wrong with me) We repeat this explanation over and over so many times, it becomes a conditioned response whenever anything goes wrong. journal every evening what shame feelings popped up over the day. 2)begin to challenge those thoughts. You will feel a difference after only a couple of weeks!

[bellafarfalla]

I'm literally going through this right now. I can't snap myself out of the negative loop. Part of me wants to ask for help. Part of me wants to push away anyone who would actually care or pretend to care about me. I'm not worth anyone's time or effort.

[elizabethwall]

You are so awesome. I cried just hearing you talk so warmly and compassionately to yourself. I’ve always been extremely hard on myself (while being much more compassionate toward other people), but recently I started incorporating positive self-talk into my meditation practice. Before I meditate, I hug myself for probably about 30 seconds and speak to myself just like a loving mother would, reassuring myself that I’m a good person and I’m doing the best I can. I actually say the words out loud. It sounds like a weird thing to do, but it actually does make me feel loved. I feel like that positive voice is finally starting to get ingrained in my mind.

[foundsheep]

“We’re all just pretending the back of our hospital gowns aren’t flying open”🤣 yes! Love it!

[achibao]

You are one main reason why I still able to cope bc of your free videos. I always wanted to go in therapy but I cannot afford it. Sometimes I just cry, I'm over feeling that way again and again. Thank you for making these videos and making mental health, free and accessible

[gloriasiess]

This was from heaven. I just lost my temper yesterday and was literally yelling at my spouse because he wouldnt listen to me and repaired the wrong thing and made our living situation stressful and worse. Prayer works. My pastor prayed and the landlord finally sent a plummer to access our situation. No water for two days no normal toliet accessability no way to shower etc./ I was at the breaking point and just kept yelling. Your wonderful advice is just what I need to hear, thank you.

[jmitch]

This should get a standing ovation and I'm here giving you one❤ This is what we all need to remember.

[Indrafran]

Growing up with parents who expected their kids to be “the star”, I find myself still beating myself up despite having achieved much in my career. And they still don’t stop expecting I would get married and give them grandkids. At times I just feel like it’s so difficult feeling happy. This talk is really a breath of fresh air which I’m trying to get in order to feel whole again. Thank you

[kimparke]

Many call other's losers, it artificially raises there ego's.
In growing narcissism, even a kindergarten teacher can spot the red flags.
Our spleen is the organ of compassion. Have it for self first, just like love, you can't give from an empty cup. No one is perfect.

[abrahamcavazos]

This type of thing even leads me to self injury (physically beating myself) and even telling myself that I should be dead. This is a major struggle for me. Glad I watched this video.

[ajohonly]

I’m at home with 3 kids under 6 with a sick 5 months old baby.
You just described me.

[Rob-bvew]

Wow, small revelation. I beat the crap out of myself every day. My own worst enemy for what I don't think I'm good enough for or never will be. Now I need to start writing :) Thank you so much for this. This will do until I start Tae Kwon Do :) And maybe continue then :)