Growing Up with Religious Anxiety, Shame, and Guilt

This video is about the religious anxiety, shame, and guilt I experienced growing up in an Evangelical Christian fundamentalist household that practiced biblical parenting.
Thanks so much for watching!

[Citations]

[Background Music]
Title: In Harmony

Image description: Elly is white with brown eyes and straight, shoulder-length brown hair. She is wearing a rose-pink shirt and sitting on the floor in a bedroom. As she talks, she looks into the camera.

#ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical

[cynthiayoung]

The main reason I left my church was COVID. I saw through all the ugliness from televangelists and the hatred they had. It confused me and on top of that everything about Trump. How could they not see Trump for who he was? COVID was a blessing for me. It was a pause and reset button for me. A chance for reflection and what I wanted for my life.

[jmdsservantofgod]

I grew up in the Catholic Church…… they were heavy on guilt!……normal conversations were like: “I feel guilty, do you feel guilty… yes I feel guilty too…. Oh good….. that’s good, we all feel guilty…. What a relief!….we are all ok!” 🤪🤪🤪

[roseeblossom]

I don't normally comment on videos, but I wanted to encourage you. I'm so glad you're able to reparent yourself as you raise your own child to see their value and worth, just by being alive. I'm excited to watch the rest of your videos, and I've followed you. Keep it up.

[HingWenYi]

I too, am a ex-fundie, your videos are my everything. Religious fundemantalism and extremism is the main problem in my country, Malaysia.

[professorg]

We are an OSDD system with autism, who was raised in a Christian Cult family. Thank you for bravely sharing your story! 🌈✨🧠

[Niki-gidn]

As an ex-fundie, I also felt a lot of guilt and shame growing up. Mostly mine came from doing all the Christian things I thought I was supposed to do: get saved, get baptized, spread the "word"... I thought I would feel lighter and inspired but I didn't. So I made it mean there was something fundamentally wrong with me, that Satan had a hold on me, and that I was "bad". I then had to overcompensate to show that I'm "good". What a nightmare. I still deal with guilt and shame, perfectionism, and people pleasing (now in my late 30s). I just feel so messed up. Oh yeah and anxiety out the wazooo. Thank you for your videos, they are a great help to know we aren't alone.

[chanellover]

I recently saw an awful article titled “ signs god doesn’t love you”. It felt so cruel and hurtful, it was the final straw for me.

[maryracine]

Just the idea of “original blessing” as opposed to “original sin” makes me feel accepted and loved. 😃🥰

[chaotic-goodartistry]

my (Christian) family had a family friend (also christian, but more prosperity gospel) live with us for 3 years when i was 12-15. She was supposed to stay 5 months but stayed 3 years and that was particularly awful because she would take out her frustration of not making enough etc etc to move out (which undoubtably was worsened by her prosperity gospel) on my family (who was a reminder that she was failing at finding her own place), and particularly me.
Anyway it wasn't until the end of her lovely stay with us that she was taking out the frustration in her own life out on me doing anything that annoyed her, because until that point whenever I would exist around her she would find anything that annoyed her; looking too happy, looking too sad, walking too loudly, not being completely adept at picking up social cues at 13, accidentally humming around her, any adhd symptom I presented (just recently figured that out cause of the deep masking I did to accommodate her), she would guilt me for it like I was inconsiderate should know better. Basically, she made me responsible for her emotional wellbeing and would guilt me for anything I did to annoy her when she was feeling shitty, which was a lot of the time. So basically I was getting religious guilt from 6 years of awana (cause my parents were chill christians, awana tho...) and guilt from her.

And it killed me that every time I would apologize for accidentally doing things, that she was always made to be the victim of my supposed malevolent torturing of her and that no matter how hard I tried to cater to her, it would never be enough and she would always find some way that I was a horrible inconsiderate person, and, quote, "Why don’t you think of others for a change" (while she would make me cry for a half hour about slightly annoying her by being a kid and downstairs)

I was deep in christianity at that point, and it kinda kept me in the cycle of "put others before yourself" and was really depressed because clearly if I'm ruining her life unknowingly simply by existing around her, that surely wouldn't be an isolated thing and I should stay away from everyone else so I don't ruin their lives either. Dark times. Luckily I realized that was bullshit towards the end.

Anyway when she finally left I was like "ok I don't want that kind of abuse again" and then, since I had thrown myself into reading the bible and going to awana (which I had done for 6 years), then the pieces slowly started to click about how similar the mindsets were between the things, the whole "you'll never be good enough, you need me" and "you caused this mess, which I kinda just put on you and blamed you for" (I mean seriously, adam and eve sinning when they had no concept of good or bad yet so they could not have even conceived of the idea that the snake would be lying cause they'd not even know what lying was, and then god being like welp i cant do anything too bad you're going to hell now).

Point is, while it was very wrong what I was put through and how it affected me, it was the start of my deconstruction, so silver lining I guess lol. Oh also I finally realized Im bi.
✌

[maizystar]

I'm starting to believe that religion is down right un-healthy. Especially to those with religious delusions. If there must be religion, can we please do it in a healthy and humane way?

[frozenraspberries]

I don't know if you already have a video about this, but can you talk about how traumatic it is being taught about the book of Revelation and the Apocalyptic indoctrination we got? I know for me it was one of the things that had me in fear from such a young age

I also think being taught to believe in demons is an interesting one, my religion didn't hyperfocus on it, but it was talked about how Horror movies and such could invite them in

[WalldoTheWInner]

All I ever heard growing up was how self esteem was a bad thing and a bunch of "psychobabble", and now I'm an angry socially retarded loner well into my 30s. Not really an excuse, but definitely an explanation.

[missk]

A lot in my life shifted by allowing an all loving god in my life. I am without denomination but still deconstructed a lot of sin and guilt in my life. So many times on my journey when I found myself criticising, this loving god still loves me, encourages me to embrace this critical part of me that doesn’t know better. So often when I binge ate again and felt deep self hatred this all loving presence was here unconditionally and taught me self love, that I’m enough. It took me many years to realise that my own ego, which is full of judgemental criticism, IS the hell so many religions write about. And by loving my ego, by embracing this self hatred I am using my free will to grow as a human and to transform it.

[taylorbatton]

I really appreciate you and your channel. Thank you for sharing something that is a difficult topic. I also enjoy how you structure your videos. You’re a gifted speaker!

[rebeccadejong]

Oh man, Donut Man and "Why" by Nicole Nordeman... you totally just transported me back to my childhood!! I also used to listen to that song over and over. Only now realizing how messed up these things were for kids to hear. Thank you for sharing and for making these videos!!

[shamra]

I was just telling someone earlier today how I think some of the guilt and shame I struggle with are ingrained from my Catholic upbringing even thought I haven't believed in Christianity or even monotheism in quite a long time. Those ideas that even thinking a sin is sinful really got to me, especially as a perfectionist, people-pleasing child of a narcissist (or two maybe). While luckily my religious indoctrination wasn't as extreme as yours, it really did leave some of the same scars, particularly as an afab person in a severely patriarchal system. Thank you for talking about this though. While I'm not sure where to proceed quite yet in my further healing, it makes me feel a lot less alone.

[awaremel]

Surviving through strict rigid religious ideologies makes us capable of anything!

[Linweezy]

My religious christian mom would always tell me, "you're lucky to grow up with christian parents, you have no idea how badly growing up in a non-christian home is". She would say that even though my dad would beat me and my older sister growing, drag us up the stairs by our hair, chunks falling out in the shower. Us being blamed for "not getting along" as to why my dad would hit us. Then my older sister starting hitting me, sent me to the ER, the nurse almost called the cops. My mom finally tried to get my sister and I into therapy, yet I was the only one that went in the entire family. My mom finally admitted when I was 31 my dad was secretly having a whisky problem back then and gave a small apology about being emotionally unavailable. The gaslighting, guilt and manipulation of my parents was unbelievable -- always making me feel like we weren't christian enough and didn't pray hard enough. They were never the problem. And yes, when my dad had his secret drinking problem I remember my mom bragging about them not having alcohol in the house and being "above drinking" and telling my sister and I how lucky we were because of that. Lies after lies.

We went to church every Sunday. People thought our family was the perfect Christian family when everyday I was wishing I would be hit by a car and die since I was worried killing myself would land me in hell. Even after her small apology, my mom tells me to "forgive and get over it". She wishes! Christian's love sweeping any and all issues under the rug. She still judges others and acts like she is without sin, like she didn't mess my sister and I up beyond repair. I have social anxiety and insecurities to this day, but am finally learning to be happy because I met my husband who taught me I mattered. I am no longer being brainwashed every Sunday to hate myself and no longer practice, I am thankful I am alive and out of that terrible mess of a religion today.

[theologytherapist]

Really love the subjects you touched on here - I definitely notice many of the same things in my patients when we address Religious Trauma Syndrome.

[robroboto]

I just had the craziest flashback when you brought up donut man. I had forgotten all about that till I saw you mention it and now I can see every episode in my head.