The 5 Relationship Patterns: Which One Are You?

Sometimes our relationship patterns are issues that need to be addressed. Do you feel like you have the same relationships over and over again? You might be in a relationship pattern—where even though you are with different people, the relationship goals are the same. In fact, this can happen with romantic partners as well as friends, parents and business colleagues. I want to help you identify your relationship pattern with the people in your life.

00:00 Intro
00:43 What are relationship patterns?
02:08 The caregiver
03:35 The alpha
05:39 The parent
07:17 The co-dependent
09:06 The push-pull
11:19 Bonus: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, Fearful

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Vanessa Van Edwards is a national bestselling author and founder at Science of People. She is also a recovering awkward person.
She is the bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People which has been translated into 15 different languages. Vanessa’s unique approach has been featured on CNN, BBC, CBS, Fast Company, Inc., Entrepreneur Magazine, USA Today, Today Show and many more.

Vanessa shares tangible skills to improve interpersonal communication and leadership, including her insights on how people work. She’s developed a science-based framework for understanding personalities, decoding body language and improving people skills to help people communicate professionally, socially and romantically.

Vanessa works with entrepreneurs, growing businesses, and trillion dollar companies; and has spoken to thousands of audiences at TEDx London, MIT and CES to name a few.

Science of People looks at the hidden forces that drive our behavior. It’s mission is to help people achieve their goals faster and understand what makes people tick.

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[ScienceOfPeople]

Find out more in our full article on this topic:

[americanexpat]

I’m a certified relationship consultant from Thais Gibson’s award-winning Personal Development School. She will enter the history books one day along side Freud and Jung for her contributions to modern psychology. I’m a pragmatic guy, but her explanation is total common sense.

The answer is simple. People repeat these patterns because the subconscious replays what you might consider to be ‘programs’ that they are not aware of. We run on Autopilot most of our day. But, we can use the Conscious portion of the brain to ‘retrain’ our programs in the Subconscious.

[jackito]

I'm in a co dependent, caregiver and Alpha relationship patterns. It so difficult and painful. Thank you Vanessa for this video you just open my eyes.

[florenciadelaluz]

Your research rocks, Vanessa! I love ALL your work and in this video specifically, that you applied the patterns to friendship, romantic and professional relationships. Would you consider doing a video on how to verbally negotiate healthier dynamics (if it's even possible (?)) with a person you are dealing with?

[katsan]

I’m basically an alpha, unless I don’t care enough to control. Then I’m totally go with the flow. I want to be more dependent but I’m afraid of being let down.

[stevestone]

Oh my God
You always talk about things that really matter! Thank you Vanessa.

[doyoueatrocks]

Such an eye opener to myself. I am a mix of all, with both the pros and cons (usually) quite balanced. In my last relationship this mix of relationship patterning turned out to be detrimental to that relationship. As much as we brought out the best in each other, some negative precedents set at the beginning ended up continuing throughout instead of being curved, the relationship started to turn towards being counter productive and intuitive with our relationship patterns and we both, instead of complimenting each other, began to bring out the cons of our relationship patterns.. But with all that said, we gave it a solid 100% for two years with the mutual goal of working towards finding out if we are a marriageable couple and that by then we should know whether or not we were a good match, or not.. It turned out not, but I think we both did our best, but we let the things that started out as easily correctable snowball making what could have been into a not going to happen. Still, I will remember those days with joy and thankfulness for two years with a truly remarkable person and of course having the best educator, experience, to be better equipped for the next time love comes. Very much looking forward to seeing about the other 4 types of other relationship patterns/attitudes that are in the next video. Socially and professionally I acclimatize to the pattern that is required of me and in my business I of course take the leadership role with high expectations, patience for those who need training so long as they are putting in the effort to learn and do their best and of course all with a little bit of fun... I also expect to be the least capable person in the room or I have the wrong team. The largest flaw, is my ADD like tendencies cause me to constantly be thinking and turning over ideas or finding a project that can capture my full attention and focus, I observing absolutely everything, so to escape that I need a person on hand who I can readily engage in conversation whether its me talking to not have to be thinking or observing everything or (and preferably) a truly engaging conversation where everything else fades away and that other person becomes truly captivating... Wow, long answer, but there it is :) Hope everyone is having a great day wherever they are.

[imthebesthaha]

I was co dependent on a girl I met in high school and we dated for exactly 3 years and she ended it because of that fact that we both lost a lot of ourself in that time as well as grew into different people.

[alcudiababe]

I can be seen as the care giver. I think it's because from such a long time ago I have had very controlling figures in my life who have cared for me whether I like it or not, so I haven't always had a say in the matter but because of that if I meet someone new, who is shy, nervous, generally the pattern is they have some form of depression, since I know what it's like to be bullied, and discarded, and horrible things like that, I feel like I have people in my life who I can give advice to, can empathise, and to tell them the right thing to do, but recently I have had a friend go to me "you don't need to treat me like Hayley" (an old friend, ) "I'm independent, I take care of myself so I don't need it." At the time, I half heartedly respected her but I held back what I really wanted to say because she suffers with anxiety, so does her husband and she needs me to be a friend and help bring her around. Last spring, when she was pregnant she came to mine, said she was too hot, I got a damp cloth, told her to put it on her forehead and gave her a hand fan, and when she said she felt sick and hadn't eaten (whilst pregnant!!) I was supplying her with hi fi bars and made her a sandwich. I want to look after her with everything I have but I don't feel the need to do it with other friends, but I do when friends of mine are not looking after themselves as well as they should, when I know their emotions are up and down, because I feel like what can I do to help, or... if I don't think she is coping, take over. I was even concerned about her bedding, I didn't even think she had a proper quilt and I was thinking of buying her a king sized mattress because she could get ill, suffer with colds or anything without a means of getting herself warm. The stupid thing is, I'm turning into my own Mom, the way she is with me but... my friend does ask me for my advice, ask me what I think to a lot of things and so I speak quite freely around her, she also said in a message to me that she doesn't want any unsolicited advice for when she has this baby, and I know I can't give her advice on what to do with her child but I do have both a niece and nephew who I'm very much close to, so in my head I'm thinking, I'd be passing information on, but now thinking it's going to come off offensive or condescending to her, I mean, I wouldnt dream of talking down to her and I ask how things are, but I know Mothers put things on Facebook going "help what to do if my child is stuffing pennies up his nose and they can't come down" - obviously I cant always comment on these things but I know my sister did that and it worked for my mom when she had to make her cry to get her nose to run to dislodge pennies. My sister said to me, it pisses her off when I come out with something like I know it all, but that's only because I have friends who have kids, so then she said to me, say that then, that it's so and so's kids and that's why you know that, don't just come out with it, saying that I will piss other people off when they think I am dictating to them, usually I want them to be impressed with my knowledge because I want kids so I have books I read on and listen to friends and people I know who do and I also watch tonnes of Supernanny. So I want people to know that I'm knowledgeable because once I get pregnant I want to be an expert in every field, that there would be nothing I wouldn't find out or know about because I want to feel confident enough to have a baby, so many people say unhelpful comments on children to people who want kids, they will try and put you off, make you feel stupid like what are you going to do with a baby etc and that's not support

[sne]

I am a co dependent.. and I always feel like I am not validated. coz i do change my life completely for someone and then expect them to value me. Which never happens. Its negative for me. I literally disappear as a person as I see the other person take advantage and abandon me or feel its okay to keep me on the side, Its hurtful. I hope this can change. Thank u for this video.Vanessa.. :)

[akkshayadwivedi]

I am a pusher and puller I think I get really serious really fast and then when I come to know the people aren't right I run for space. I have the same pattern everywhere.

[ariannaturtles]

Im a puller, always pulling away when i get nervous and im avoidant

[linhngo]

This video is so helpful. So much more helpful then claiming other people are mirroring stuff. This is practical to use. Thank you :)

[ladyjade]

Im mumsy 😩 which led to me doing all the driving, organising, etc. I had absent alcoholic parents and I had to become an adult at a young age.
Interesting the most comments are from care givers. Most of your viewers must be responsible ppl

[chachafruto]

Dear Vanessa thanks for your advice and the smart solutions and how to identified situations. I am very weird but I am not shy at all. I am fun and smart in an average way. But I do not trust people after many tries to be a friend, girlfriend or even having a job for more than 3 months. I work at home in proyects that I really enjoy due my intense mind and thoughts I get bored easy so that is why I am always traying new things. I am 32 and really feel like a loser sometimes because not having cash flow and human friends make feel like that compare to the crazy things we have to do in order to be successful, more like a prison of the mind and the body. Thanks for your channel and your good vibe Vanessa.

[TubeThings]

I feel like I’ve been in all these patterns with different people across the board. Friendships, romantic relationships and workplace. A couple of the patterns more frequently, but I feel like with almost every person things are different.

[anndavis]

Im not a caregiver, im not the atm or the bank. I dont need to be controlled cuz i love being in charge of my own life. I have been dominating my own life since 2013 when my toxic womanizing x left me. So sick of womanizers. My children are adults. I cant raise someone elses child. This is bs. Im single n unattached black woman and if there is nobody able to be mature n exclusive w/me alone, i might as well be alone. I have no one. This is an unhealthy union. Not a healthy relationship. Im staying single, unattached n alone. Im healing myself n learning about myself n im a powerful positive woman. I have no choice but to stay independent. I like my space n i cant deal w/clingy insecure womanizers n liars

[janedeane]

Don't worry, it is not like we r going to get married the minute I send u an email lol clearly there will have to be a dating (in person) phase, then an engagement and ultimately marriage.

[a.condoluci]

Can one be a mixture of the different attachment styles?

[tajmahal]

I'm both 'push' at one point and 'pull ' at another