Nathan Wagner - Shame

#nathanwagner #shame #originalsong
Artwork licensed by Shutterstock

Someone asked me once if I loved myself. It’s a weird question. Of course I said yes. Didn’t feel like being open. Vulnerable. Wanted the spotlight off of me. Years went by and I realized I had all the symptoms of one who doesn’t. Was wondered why I needed everyones approval. Why it took me days to get over one semi negative comment. Why anything less than perfect led me to the deepest guilt. As a kid, I grew up in sort of a “Shame Culture.” It was this weird twisted theology where if you speak positive about yourself in any way, it was pride and wrong. Of course, you can say all the negative you want. In fact, they’ll find them for you. I’m sure most of it was the way I perceived things as a kid and no one was truly at fault, but that perception left it’s mark. I woke up not long ago realizing I’d gone almost most of my life without having a single positive thought about myself. So, it’s basically self-hatred by default. It’s so strange. Trying to rewire my brain can almost feel immoral because of this toxic legalism in my head. Been a grueling journey. Here’s a song I wrote about that "Shame." I really hope it means something to you. I know it does to me. Love you all so much. Thanks so much for listening.

Lyrics
I’ve got everything I’ve wanted
So tell my why I’m still in pain
It’s like I’m afraid to being happy
Like I deserve to be this way

As a kid they formed my conscience
Good and evil right and wrong
Know they didn’t mean to make it vicious
But now all I have are tortured thoughts

I could scale the tallest mountain
Change the world make it right
Make the world something
But it won’t be enough won’t be enough
Won’t be enough
I could win the highest honor
Save the future make it bright
But it won’t be enough won’t be enough
Won’t be enough
No I’m never enough never enough never enough

I’ve got everything I’ve wanted
My younger self would stand in awe
Still I can’t let myself be happy
Cause it just feels like it be wrong

As a kid they said be humble
Liftin your self like that is pride
Well now I’m drawing in self hatred
That was my last thought that was nice

I could scale the tallest mountain
Change the world make it right
Make the world something
But it won’t be enough won’t be enough
Won’t be enough
I could win the highest honor
Save the future make it bright
But it won’t be enough won’t be enough
Won’t be enough
No I’m never enough never enough never enough

20 years locked in this prison
A couple words rewrote my frame
It’s funny something that’s so little
Can still be causing all this pain

I could scale the tallest mountain
Change the world make it right
Make the world something
But it won’t be enough won’t be enough
Won’t be enough
I could win the highest honor
Save the future make it bright
But it won’t be enough won’t be enough
Won’t be enough
No I’m never enough never enough never enough
Never enough never enough never enough
Never enough never enough never enough
Never enough never enough never enough
Never enough never enough never enough

[nathanwagner]

Someone asked me once if I loved myself. It’s a weird question. Of course I said yes. Didn’t feel like being open. Vulnerable. Wanted the spotlight off of me. Years went by and I realized I had all the symptoms of one who doesn’t. Was wondered why I needed everyones approval. Why it took me days to get over one semi negative comment. Why anything less than perfect led me to the deepest guilt. As a kid, I grew up in sort of a “Shame Culture.” It was this weird twisted theology where if you speak positive about yourself in any way, it was pride and wrong. Of course, you can say all the negative you want. In fact, they’ll find them for you. I’m sure most of it was the way I perceived things as a kid and no one was truly at fault, but that perception left it’s mark. I woke up not long ago realizing I’d gone almost most of my life without having a single positive thought about myself. So, it’s basically self-hatred by default. It’s so strange. Trying to rewire my brain can almost feel immoral because of this toxic legalism in my head. Been a grueling journey. Here’s a song I wrote about that "Shame." I really hope it means something to you. I know it does to me. Love you all so much. Thanks so much for listening.

[traciaa]

Make the music that makes you happy. What ever emotions you have. Let it flow through your music. It's your therapy, it's your outlet . We are here for you.

[illumi]

I grew up in a humble and loving family, my parents gave me everything I needed and I feel forever grateful. Despite that, I always lacked self esteem and self love. It got to the point where I felt embarrassed and ashamed everytime something good happened to me, simply because I thought I didn't deserve it. It's hard to change those thoughts when you have grew up with them stuck in your mind and heart, but I hope to get rid of them one day. I really hope you do too.

Your song is amazing as always, it didn't even felt like 6 minutes! All I have to say is...👏👏 Thank you for this breathtaking song and have a nice weekend!

[saraoverkamping]

Hits so much deeper when you are young and were in enough pain for three lifetimes. When you made a reckless decision and will pay for it the rest of your life. I cannot tell you Nathan how much your songs inspired me and gave me the strengh to learn to walk again. I was in hospital for six months, survived fifth operations, could not see anyone I love because of Corona. I needed someone to understand me and by listening to your songs, I always felt understood. I am eightheen and have my whole life ahead even from being paralyzed. Your songs lead me some great steps towards seing this! :-)

[chaos]

Nowadays most of the music didn't have anything inside of it. But there are hidden gems. Such as, you and your channel. You feel the things you sing about. I can't even express it properly how much I love what you're doing. But let me give you an advice. Let your emotions flow. If only just in music, then just inside of that. Don't be like me. Don't lose yourself.
Well, this became a bit more emotional, then what I expected. Anyway, keep it up. We will listen to you.

[erosophic]

The opening of this song twists my stomach in a way that's almost uncomfortable, and yet I will sit there and rewind the first fifteen seconds over and over.

[cyberscape.]

Incredible song. Unfortunately and sadly I'm in this place myself. I never really thought highly of myself, always felt like I couldn't live up to the skills and gifts of older siblings and family/friends. As time went on, I've started seeing in the mirror how that shame and stress destroyed me. I'm still quite young but physically I've aged so much more than my peers. I look older, haggard, exhausted and my mind isn't any better.
But this year as times have been getting harder for everyone, I started looking after myself more. I am learning life skills and working out so I don't feel helpless anymore. I'm escaping little by little the thought that you have to be beautiful and wealthy for people to love you. I may not be as attractive as others, but I am smart and kind and learning to be strong.
Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to not be the status quo. There's more in us than what we look like on the surface. The world has a lot of expectations. Be the one to break them and learn to be proud of all the good things that you are. It's okay ♥️

[Emunah_]

It took me a long time to get it through my head that it's okay to not be okay and then I eventually had to flip in to tell myself it is also okay to actually be okay! I'm learning to heal and move forward and it's alright to be happy for the progress I have made! This song reminded me of that journey! Thanks so much for making something like this! I really enjoyed it.

[Prodigal_Sheep_]

I struggled with shame for so long over my sins, and still do sometimes. The greatest lesson the LORD Jesus ever taught me is: I'm not enough. I will never be enough. But He is, and His grace is sufficient. I could never be worthy, but Jesus is. I'm not worthy, but He said I and the world are worth dying for! He is risen forevermore as the King of Glory and will raise those who love Him! Hallelujah! Keep your hope and trust in God, brother!

Even so, come LORD Jesus! Amen.

[Hghgghg]

I really connect with this song like no other. Ik I’ve said this before but your music has become my safe space. Somewhere I can go to forget about everything even if it’s for a few mins. I truly admire you and your voice Nathan. Thank you for everything.

[redfox]

Been a while since I've cried at a song 😅. But as someone with anxiety and low self esteem it hit me, I've always focused on trying to make everyone happy and it was a smack in the face that my friends never tried to make me feel happy but just make me feel low, so I'm starting to work on myself now and this song has encouraged me, so thank you again for your music 🙏🤗

[kaylonadkins]

I know how you feel because I also grew up in an environment like that. It was better to stay in the shadows so no one could see you, but the moment someone caught sight, you were shamed for not being a part of the crowd. It's exhausting to run all while realizing there's nowhere safe to go, nowhere you can take a breath and remind yourself that you're human. It's even harder holding onto the grudges and resentment because, even though it shields you a little, it also weighs so much on the soul. Thank you for caring for us so much in your music, and for caring after yourself. You are loved and appreciated.

[icore]

We' re still listening Nathan. Thank you for always being so honest. God bless

[Vaemane]

heard this on spotify already..

never disappoints, that's all i gotta say👀

[rynl]

'You're always enough, always enough, always enough'. I think it will always be a fight (for those of us who have internalized and entrenched the destruction of our self-worth) to believe these words, even though they're true. Thank you for existing and sharing these pieces of your heart, I can't speak for anyone else but they've been a boon to my life 🖤

[coreykuefler-terweeme]

This makes me think about how I know I’m a good person, but my insecurity around everything and how even if I do right and hood things I’ll still not feel good enough sometimes. This connects to the high expectations that people have on themselves, even if we are great people. I know I have a good life and I can do a lot to help people but I can’t fix it all and it makes me feel like I’m lacking. Just wish I could change all the problems in the world myself, if it was that easy.

[Tori_T_Artist]

"Know they didn't mean to make it vicious". That's honestly the hardest thing I grapple with right now with C-PTSD. The adults who hurt me when I was 13 were really targeting the kids who needed the punishment, the sharp words and the intimidation. They didn't intend to traumatize me, much less emotionally and mentally abuse me. But it IS what they did, and that's what makes it so hard for me to forgive. Yeah, they didn't mean to be vicious...but they sure aren't apologizing either. And they never will. So now I have to forgive them for both the past and current pain they're causing me, without justice, without apologies, without anything but a monster made of memories.
Anyways, I'm rambling. Amazing work as always Nathan! So happy I found you when you released Empath.

[itsthegrmatt]

Nathan, this is amazing. As someone who is trying to pursue animation, I always felt like I just won't be able to do it. It will never look good enough. But then I started to see that my drawings are not as bad as I thought. That gave me hope. There's still a lot to learn, but I now I know it will be worth it.

[katcurtiss]

It's a very emotionally beautifully song, as some one with self-hatred promblems I also understand how hard it can be to think about the good in yourself and others. So thank you for bringing awareness with your AMAZING music.

[CROninja]

There are so many musicians nowadays that don't understand how to put their soul into a song. But not you. There's a huge energy coming from every song you make. And it never fails to make me feel understood... I love you like a brother I never had!