Limerence: Have You Ever Been Obsessively in Love?

Love is powerful and transformative - but it can also become a painful obsession. In psychological terms, we call this state limerence. First identified by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, limerence is that state of intense romantic obsession where one person dominates every single minute of your mind.

The roots of limerence often trace back to our earliest experiences of love and attachment. Nicole Matuscow, drawing from her psychoanalytic background and personal experience, explains that limerence typically stems from patterns of intermittent caregiving rather than severe attachment trauma. She notes the subtle yet important difference: True attachment trauma comes from either complete absence or abuse in caregiving. But in limerence we are looking at a mix of present and absent care— you often do not know when you will get which. This creates an addictive cycle— very much like the slot machine I sometimes talk about, it becomes tempting to ‘keep trying’.
Fantasy in limerence is or just like day dreaming. Rather, it is a sophisticated emotional regulation tool that Nicole describes as a "psychic retreat." This concept, developed by psychoanalyst Franco DeMasi, perfectly captures the limerent experience. "I think of it as a landscape of fantasy," Nicole explains. "An infant lying in the crib, not getting what they want... can retreat into being held. They can imagine smelling what they smell, seeing their mother smile back at them. This early coping mechanism follows us into adulthood, taking on more complex forms. Often it happens at night. People close their eyes and go back, think about the person they're limerent for, go through evidence of 'did this person want me or not?' They fantasize about the future, or even right now, 'is this person thinking of me?' And they're gone - they've retreated into fantasy.
In fact, limerence involves a unique relationship with longing itself, but not so much with the limerent object (the person you are obsessed with). This longing often attaches to emotionally unavailable people or impossible situations, which mirrors the pattern of intermittent reinforcement from having inconsistent parenting in childhood. The limerent object becomes what Nicole calls "the test" - a way to validate one's worth and lovability. However, this test is inherently flawed because it's based on “breadcrumbs” - minimal signs of interest or attention that you pick up for sustenance but ultimately not fulfilling enough for life.

We'll explore why some of us are more prone to limerence than others, how early experiences shape our romantic patterns, and most importantly - what we can actually do about it. Whether you're currently experiencing limerence or supporting someone who is, I hope this conversation will be useful to you!

About Nicole:
Nicole Matusow is a New York City psychotherapist practicing in the Flatiron area. She sees both individuals and couples/family members, taking a contemporary psychoanalytic and feelings-based approach. Her practice addresses limerence, judgmental self-talk, people-pleasing, difficulties in conveying thoughts and feelings, and familial ruptures.
She offers both in-person and teletherapy services.


Trigger Warning: This episode may cover sensitive topics including but not limited to suicide, abuse, violence, severe mental illnesses, relationship challenges, sex, drugs, alcohol addiction, psychedelics, and the use of plant medicines. You are advised to refrain from watching or listening to the YouTube Channel or Podcast if you are likely to be offended or adversely impacted by any of these topics.