Choosing between two women: it is not always an either/or

Buy my book, "The Value of Others"

I've been conducting a lot of consultations with men recently who are the horns of a dilemma, namely: they feel the need to choose between two women for a relationship. In every instance, they fall prey to the cognitive trap of comparing the women in question against each other. In this episode, I explain why this tends to leads to sub-optimal outcomes and how to approach this "good" problem more effectively.

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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #dating #relationship

[psychacks]

Buy my book, "The Value of Others"

I've been conducting a lot of consultations with men recently who are the horns of a dilemma, namely: they feel the need to choose between two women for a relationship. In every instance, they fall prey to the cognitive trap of comparing the women in question against each other. In this episode, I explain why this tends to leads to sub-optimal outcomes and how to approach this "good" problem more effectively.

Book a paid consultation:


Social Media




Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:

Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com

Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #dating #relationship

[marcelogarcia]

I love the underlying message here: choose the direction of your life so you don’t have to submit to others choosing the direction for you.

[ryanh]

One of the most profound mental shifts I have had was when I began asking myself “do I want to do this or am I doing this to avoid a person in my life being upset”

[dwightbrown]

This is so true. Having been there, I did not realize that ultimately you (as a man) needs to be what Richard Cooper calls 'Your Own Mental Point of Origin'. Thinking about the world through your own eyes, and not serving a woman as your baseline.

[ottomusprime]

This is gold. I’ve had to decide between women before, I really did feel limited between them, not realizing there are always more out there

[ikaustralia]

Good one as always, sir 👍Back in the day the advice was as follows: "chose the 2nd one as you wouldn't look outside if you were satisfied with the 1st one".

[LeonardEarnshaw]

Whatever choice you are making, be sure its what you need and not just what you want. however, Perfect marriages or relationships aren't real; they're all different. What works for one person might not work for someone else. But I've come to understand that there's always a solution to problems. Five years ago, my wife and I were close to divorcing because of issues in our marriage, but we found a way to fix them. It was tough, but we survived.

[Mary-tpp]

Plenty of roads, but not plenty of time, resources, and most importantly life energy to engage with multiple people. It starts out great but down the roads you end up feeling like a slave to your choices.

[fluentinoverthinking]

If it's not apparently YES, than it is apparenty NO. If you have to choose between the two, it means that both of them are not suitable. It can be applied anywhere, dating is no exception.

[bebe]

Our relationships are reflections of the relationships we have with ourselves.

[RedERscrubs]

This guy STAYS killing it.
I copped your book, Doc—being delivered tomorrow. Thanks for all that you do.

[marriagecausesdivorce]

I feel bad for Chad and Tyrone sometimes. It must be hard being inundated with numerous options, each option competing against the other, trying to give him the maximum amount of unforgettable pleasure, and whatever he decides, all the options that he throws away will always yearn to be with him (alpha widow).

[wayne]

This is great advice for any decision. Adapting it now to a side-project/hobby decision I'm working through.

[jimallen]

Look at military planning, options are not initially considered against each other rather against independent measures. Comparison happens only after. And often parts of different options get combined.

[Mastermind]

Just got your book on audible. You have helped me discard many women and use my resources to enforce better behavior. Nice that you self narrated too.

[aquietpatron]

Before choosing between option A and option B, perhaps it would be best to determine why you have this option in the first place. Good choices come from examining all the options and why you have the choice. Why did you get married? How did you end up with a mistress?
Making a decision is easier when you have few choices, but abundance choices bring comfort at a price — the possibility of returning to where you were, or worse, ending up with less than what you had. The higher you are, the more it hurts when you fall.

[weirdcoincollection]

This couldn't have dropped at a better time for me.

Paraphrasing what doc said in another video--

"Forget what she wants. Forget what EVERYONE and ANYONE else wants. Pretend it doesn't exist--- no, pretend it has NEVER existed in your mind.

Now ask yourself: What do YOU want?

(That's an option?)

YES, my brother, THAT IS AN OPTION!!"

[AnkyPank]

Dr. Taraban, while I understand and appreciate the "either or" stance you describe here which certainly theoretically and in some cases also very much so practically could work out well in real life, the drama triangle situation that ensues from trying to emotionally attach and keep a good bond with two women at the same time may actually not be all too healthy for neither of the three people involved, especially for a long-term commitment.
From what I've learned on this topic from German couples therapist and board-certified, seasoned psychologist Christian Hemschemeier, love triangles more often than not become an utterly toxic situation. They seem to be quite prone to lead to unnecessary drama (persecutor, victim, rescuer situations). I'd be very reluctant to get into one.
Since triangulation seems to be part of healthy childhood development with mom, dad and the child forming the three corner points of the triangle, it seems to me personally at this point in time that in adult years, triangulations might be a belated attempt of our human psyche to finish the process of healthy separation individuation from mom and/or dad. So, triangulations in adult love affairs aren't wrong but meant to lead to inner psychological development. That's my personal hypothesis at this point in time. I may be wrong, but maybe I'm not.
Juggling both women over a longer course of time (or both men in case of a woman being involved with two men) might end up being as toxic as Mr. Hemschemeier reports from countless real-life cases he encountered and might be so utterly detrimental in most cases, because it's actually not meant to stay at that stage for longer periods. It's possibly serving a purpose, an attempt of the human psyche to grow into one's own, to mature so to speak. To mature into a healthy sustainable and secure way of attachment, which will be very difficult to achieve within the triangle.
I for one can clearly state, I would rather deeply connect and healthily bond with one single man during a mutually relationship than splitting my attachment between two men. It would feel to me as if I wouldn't be able do any of both men true justice as energy and attention are a limited resource in this realm. Abundance, yes, a great experience to make and I agree, everyone should make it, but even abundance has its limitations, especially when we're not just on the receiving end but also at the same time (hopefully so) likewisely on the giving end.

P.S.: In case you should be interested, Christian Hemschemeier only recently has finally published his first book, Der Liebescode (literally: The Love Code) in English language available on Amazon. It's called Decoding Love: The future of our relationships. I can highly recommend it.

[rachelc]

Thank you. I needed to hear this. I was option A, and he chose B. It was the direction he wanted to go. 😊

[stephanie]

Women sometimes have to choose between two men also. This is very helpful; I need to ask myself what do I want, and will I get there with this person...not who is more fun, better looking, has more in common with me, etc. Thank you!