Things (some) Autistic People Do PT 12 #shorts #audhd #autisticinertia #demandavoidance

Things (some) Autistic People Do PT 12 #audhd #autisticinertia #demandavoidance #executivefunctioning #latediagnosedautistic

[FairyFoxDreams]

The worst is seeking clarity and then being punished for it.

[lb]

This is so true! If I am given clearly-defined expectations for a task, I will thrive and be outstanding at almost anything I'm asked to complete! But if there's any ambiguity about the work I'm expected to do, I will probably never even begin!

[roxanne]

Exactly. I was crying earlier because…my roommate was being quiet and cleaning. I felt like I should get up and help. I became overwhelmed and anxious and started crying.

[johnharvey]

The analogy I like to use is that most people get a script, and we get little glimpses at it from peeking over their shoulders, but we don't get a complete look and have to guess at when that part of the script comes up.

[tori]

this is why when I worked in an office, the idea that I should “take initiative” (meaning do tasks I wasn’t told to do) was not only terrifying, but next to impossible. How am I supposed to work on tasks that were never laid out for me? My boss wanted me to notice something needed doing, and take initiative. But what if the papers I noticed and cleaned up turn out to be some super important documents? Please just tell me what I’m supposed to do!!
I got less work done because i’d just freeze in fear trying to figure out what was expected of me

[cheekygoddess]

Like with kids . Don't say clean your room. Write a list showing what you want done . Learnt that with my kids.

[bookworm]

It leads to weird version of something that can manifest like codependency. That thing of trying to people please, while guessing all the time. Which can lead to having absolutely no idea what you yourself would want or need, if you asked yourself that question. So you ignore your own needs and get burnt out.

[ismailabdelirada]

The problem with neurotypical social expectations is that they aren't necessarily logical, or things one might _expect_ to be expected to do.

This is why explicit expression of the expectations is necessary. But instead, NTs assume that knowing what's expected is pre-programmed into our operating systems.

But NT is a Windows OS, and by definition we all run on Linux.

[christineg]

This is a great example of accommodations that i feel would improve things for neurotypical people as well as neurodivergent. As someone with ADHD, having clear expectations spelled out really helps me make sure I focus on the right things, but i know when I've worked in environments where the expectations and priorities are all clearly expressed, ALL of my coworkers had an easier time actually getting stuff done, rather than spending time figuring out exactly what was expected.

[AS-mnch]

I'm pretty sure I'm autistic, but haven't been formally diagnosed. I can so relate to this. I've broken down before when i don't know what people expect from me. Sometimes i won't even start a task if i dont know exactly how someone else wants me to complete that task.

[EmperorZaph]

Better yet I go out of my way to put myself in a situation where no one expects anything of me at all so the pressure is gone lol

[oywiththewaywardtardis]

Another layer to this is the trauma that occurs when situations where expectations weren’t clear, or were clear but couldn’t be met, led to conflict or negative consequences.

For me personally, I immediately think of workplace scenarios and how even though I have finally found a job that I really love with a good team and a solid environment, I am constantly having to reassure myself that everyone isn’t expecting more/other from me than what I have been told, and I’m not going to get pulled aside by my boss tomorrow and fired because I was not meeting those expectations that I can’t predict. This is because I’ve had multiple work situations in which I was unexpectedly fired for unknown reasons. I’ve had other situations that I knew there was friction that I thought was being resolved, but then I got fired instead (that was a scapegoating situation, but still a blow that added to the “what am I missing?” trauma pile). I’ve had one situation where the expectation was made perfectly clear with reasonable timelines (“You’ve been late too many times, you get one more month of probation but if you’re late even once, you’re gone”) In that situation, even though I made what is for me a HUGE amount of progress and improvement, I still didn’t meet that expectation and I was fired for being late one time.

So now I struggle on a daily basis to try to trust that this won’t be the day that the rug gets pulled out from under me at this place I’ve been firmly settled for two years.

[ranmakuro]

I really appreciate this specific advise as an (lately awakened) autist. I always struggled with that in terms of certain tasks. Like in school / work I wanted to overdo things. I had learned that I'm loved and respected, if I'm impressing them all. I really loved doing things, because I was driven by imagining applause. So it led my inner critic to push and push me over the edge until I'm not able to complete the task, because it's too huge and unrealistic, but I need to do it that way, otherwise I'm not impressing anyone - not loveable at all, concerning the style of education my parents had.

Plus, I recently found out, that I do not only want to impress others, but also myself and I'm afraid of starting tasks that I set up for myself, because I might fail.

This is a pretty deep topic and you hit it on point. Thank you so much!
I believe, this thing is part of a Reparenting Progress as an adult and it's important to set oneself free from that pressure.

[myconfusedmerriment]

This has made me so anxious in the workplace, especially because there have been many times where I either forget/drop the ball on something important or I misjudged how important/urgent something was, leading to friction with coworkers or clients. My manager is pretty laid back and doesn’t micro-manage us, which is awesome, but sometimes it’s hard for me to figure out what exactly she wants or what she thinks is important. I actually recently explained it to her like this: “If I have 100 tasks, it doesn’t matter how much time I have for them or that most of them are easy or not that important. All I know is that I have 100 tasks, and I immediately start panicking.” I think that put it in perspective for her and she was able to suggest some ways to try and organize my day better to make things less overwhelming.

[jordanshuler]

This. All of this. The amount of times I’ve stood around awkwardly internally freaking out because I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to do or how to act.

[nicolemitchell]

I feel this so hard, I usually end up overworking myself because I just go above and beyond since idk what to expect. Then when they want more from me I can’t do it. There’s just so many times and ways this has happened to me.

[krickett]

My husband told me a direction while I was driving. I didn't understand it, but it felt like I should. So I kept thinking about it, hoping it would click. Then, when he was mad I didn't do it, I told him I was trying to figure out what he meant. He said I should ask clarifying questions.

He asked me to move my car. I asked if he would like it in this one spot, or...? And he yelled at me for not getting that he wanted it somewhere else.

He asked for a pot. I asked which one he wanted. He yelled at me for not knowing which pot, or just picking one at random (as if my brain would pick the same pot for the job as he would)

I constantly feel a little stupid for not being able to figure these things out. It feels like something I should know, but it's in code.

(This would probably apply to other people, not just my husband. He's just the one I interact with the most. And we're both autistic in our own ways).

TLDR: When I try to guess, I get it wrong. When I ask questions, I'm told I'm asking stupid questions and should be able to figure it out on my own.

[ekbutterflyink]

I have literally had multiple meltdowns in my life from this, where I was so incredibly frustrated that I burst into tears and begged for them to “just tell me what you want from me!” To which their responses always seem to imply that I should have figured it out already or simply just know what they want, based solely on their completely unhinged but supposedly obvious “hints”. It all just makes me want to shout: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT POINT-BLANK! 😅 PSA: HINTS DO NOT WORK WITH ME. I REPEAT—HINTS DO NOT WORK!! 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

[NishaBird]

Me: questioning if Im autistic for the past month
Me: Watching this series and 95% of it is me 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

[michaelanthony]

So true…and then, I always ended up doing way, way, way too much.
Thank you