The Golden Child (understanding family dynamics)

A month or so ago I made a video about eldest daughter syndrome, a term I saw being talked about online, and so many of your related to it. As I began to research and explore family dynamics, family PTSD, sibling order and sibling traits, I saw a lot of research around the golden child. What is the golden child? It's often the child that does everything perfectly, but also has the highest expectations from their parents. The golden child or the favorite child may often have to deal with things that other children don't. Or, perhaps you may feel like the least favorite child or kid in your household, and were ignored versus a sibling who was the golden child of your home. What was your experience as a sibling in your house? Do you relate to being the golden child? Or was one of your siblings the golden child? Would love to hear your experience in the comments!

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#family #mentalhealth #womenofyoutube

[SurferJoe]

My best friend, crippled by depression, told me what was wrong: he was about to finish med school and was engaged, and he didn't want to be a doctor, and he didn't want to be married. I told him to just step back from both- nobody was pushing him (which was true). He told me how much had been invested in him, what was expected of him. "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it". Those were his last words to me.

[WhileAKyle]

Oof. All of these hit me. Point three was the biggest one for me. To do this day, I can't separate my sense of self-worth from how I perform at work. I used to have crying fits after write ups because I felt this deep inadequacy. I have gotten better with that over time through therapy and realizing I have room to mess up. No one is expecting perfection out of me. Growing up even the smallest mistakes felt gigantic. Having a grade in school that wasn't an A was met with "why didn't you try harder? Why? Why?" I always had to have a reason for messing up. Being human wasn't enough.

[FallenDragon]

I thought I felt the most seen after watching your Eldest Daughter video, but this takes the cake for me. I have struggled throughout my life to not just fill the role of everybody's expectations of me. I was told I had so many talents growing up (ex: playing musical instruments, getting good grades in school) and it was constantly expected of me to be a high achiever. I grew up around the concept of FINAO (Failure Is Not An Option) and it definitely did the worst on my concept of self worth & self preservation. I had to fight to study what I wanted in college instead of what my mom dreamed of for me. Once I graduated, I worked 70+ hours a week across multiple jobs (I overcommitted because I felt like it was expected of me to "do it all") and neglected myself to the point I had to seek hospitalization for a weekend because of how deeply depressed I was. The kicker, I got myself in a similar situation with my last job, but thankfully not to the same extreme. I had to quit in order to prioritize myself again. Since I left that job, I have made a point to give myself more grace when I'm not performing at my peak. "We're all human" has been my reminder.

[ammaokami]

I felt like since middle school (when my mental health started its downward spiral) that whenever I would start to feel anxious or depressed, a voice in my head head would say "Why are you complaining? Look at the life you have! You have a strong social circle. Your friends and family love you. You have a safe home. You don't even have to study to get good marks. Some people don't even have half of that! You should be happy. Why aren't you happy?!?" I've tamed it a bit better over the years (along with some of the things I was grateful for becoming invalid), so it's more of a whisper now, but being toe only child and thus the golden child really does make it feel like your parents' expectations are placed on your shoulders, and that can feel as heavy as the world

[HaroldTheSloth]

This was enlightening. I'm an only child, the first grandson in the family, and I spent most of my younger years with severe undiagnosed OCD, trying to hide my odd compulsions to avoid disappointing my family. I feel like the golden child on steroids. Now that I'm older, I struggle with a constant and pervasive feeling of failure. I've got some serious things to work on, but this is a good starting point.

[marinakiell]

My parents thought that because I was small child always in the hospital that I’d want to be in the medical field such as a CNA or even a physical therapist luckily disability thwarted those aspirations that my parents had.

[jerinpeter]

Thank you, I am trying my best to stay sane as much as possible. Thank you for all the support. (My wife's mother has done so much damage that she tells me to support my wife's decisions and do things for her and behind my back and in front of me, she says to my wife by gaslighting "are you not capable of doing things on your own, you don't need any support". This is why I am so split in my head. And when I keep boundaries, they both end up saying I am insane. But I haven't crossed the line of control and I carry a rosary with me, pleading to God to make stay sane. Her mother interferes in everything and i have never felt this marriage was not between 2 people but 3. Her mother says she is such a nice child and i should do everything for her and says all of this right in feont of her.

[missymagg]

Not to get into it, but i was parentalized at 9. I have 2 older brothers, so idek if that's a good word for it. I was the one who needed to manage myself, and I called 911 if my brothers tried to kill each other. My mom didn't work but would be home for 16 hours at a time. She would "always come home, " but 3am is the next day, no matter how you slice it.

I struggle with all of it. I used to feel so responsible for my family, eventually failing all together. I felt like of i couldve just made everyone see how much we loved each other i could fix it. Then i was taken (again) at 11 and my family fell apart completely. To this day (over a decade) my brothers and i dont talk unless my mom is present and my mom told me 2 months before that shes moving across the country.


All that did wonders for not feeling guilty or responsible. Phones work 2 ways, and my mom is a grown woman. I'm not responsible for them.

My daughter is 8mo old, and she's my responsibility, and let me tell you, that's a weight ill gladly carry. It feels like nothing compared to carrying the weight of my parents.

🥂 here's to breaking cycles!

[stacib]

I am the only one of my siblings with an associates degree, and i enjoyed learning but didn't feel pride for anything i accomplished. Not even graduating community college. I feel proud about my travels that I've been on, but that's about it.
I did things to make others proud of me, and now i can't afford to travel other than to work and back and to close friends' houses.
I feel selfish if i feel proud or even happy for doing something for myself.
I am a people pleaser with bpd.

[carolinelaronda]

This describes my husband so well . He was and still is the golden child of his family . It’s really made him extremely avoidant and very narcissistic. It’s extremely difficult getting him to fully grasp the fact that he’s enmeshed and quite frankly a complete asshole .

[etharon]

soooo now im crying before classes at 8 a.m., because i have a test this afternoon and didn't study for it :) just being called out on avoiding responsibility, apathy, being in a freeze, escapism in general - I have been dreaming of going to medschool and becoming a doctor all my life, yet i can't get myself do anything now like im sabotaging myself, like it's a self-punishment. still stuck in a mindset of a child, a child i never actually was allowed to be when I was supposed to

[louiseyoung]

Yes. I can relate in many ways. I'm one of the most responsible child though. I was the youngest and the golden child but was still abused. I feel like I wasn't as punished as much as my siblings but I was a people pleaser so yes, I was expected to do or act better. Some of my siblings abused me too because they hated me for being the golden child.

[sebastiengermain]

I was the first born in my family and because I was born 2 1/2 months premature I've always felt "behind" in life and that I needed to work extra hard to achieve anything. As a result I ended up moving to another country to try a new career simply to please my family, when it really wasn't what I wanted to do. I'm now back home as it didn't work out. I'm definitely emotionally dependent as an adult big time.

[benjaminpeacock]

Can you be both the golden child and also feel like you experienced perceived or actual abandonment? I very much relate to these and in many ways was the favored child and yet also in many ways felt unseen and unheard. Would this possibly then be related to a disorganized attachment style?

[dram]

@katimorton, Could you please do "only child syndrome" cast? Golden, oldest, youngest and middle, all have I used to attempt to understand what has effected me. I can use as a crossover of those syndromes into my perfect score on ACES and ACoA/DF through family of origin (ancestrial curse) of narcissism in all forms . However it is not even close to a recognizable picture. It is very unique situation for a much smaller audience, as only children are forgotten, the unseen...

[frslover]

I am just the opposite with growing up. My sister got all the attention and i was the invisible one. She got all the attention and was on my own.

[d.nakamura]

1:40 nice Holistic Psychologist reference. Another good YouTube channel 👏

[leslier]

straight As were the norn, C's were failure. I had a learning disability. I couldn't do better in math.

[TheAileZX]

Imagine your mother deciding to just flog your heart and mind and principles for years and years. And since your mind doesn't have pain receptors like nerve endings do, you do not notice it. My mother now treats me like some sort of impressionable object now that she likes to just scare for no reason after my brother put his foot down with her with the help of his fiance. She ran out of all options but my mind now. it's pitiful. I have many principles to unlearn.

[gzlvgmu]

I was diagnosed with BPD, but this feels exactly the same.