Being Older and Asexual: Challenges and Advice!

What's it like for folks who realize they're ace later in life? In this video, we talk about what it's like being older and ace, and how we can handle some f those tough challenges.

Find me:
Tik Tok and Instagram: @AceDadAdvice

[SarahJigglypuff]

Great video. I’m an aro ace woman in my thirties and I notice that a lot of people in my life expect me to do what lots of other women have done before me, i.e. settle down and get kids. I always feel a bit thrown when people ask me whether I have kids because I’ve never even been in a relationship. 😅 It’s not something I tell people, though. I always lie. Not because I’m ashamed or anything - I’m not - but people tend to think you’re way past your sell by date when they find out you’re a woman who’s never had sex. That being said, I do envy the younger aces who accept and celebrate their identity more openly.

[juliegolick]

I discovered asexuality when I was in my mid-30s and married. Now I'm 40 and divorced (though still friends with my ex-husband). I think one of the nicest things about being an "older" ace (while still respecting that there are plenty of ace people older than me!) is that I can be a mentor to the younger ace community. Even though I may only be 4-5 years into my officially-recognized ace journey, I have actually been ace all my life, and I can look back on my younger years and contextualize stuff I didn't understand at the time. Consequently, I can help younger ace folks (the ones in their teens and twenties) by sharing my life experiences with them and acting as a mentor in the community. I really appreciate that my decades of lived experience can help the next generation of "baby aces" as they come out into the world.

[rudetuesday]

I'm in my 50s, and have always known, but the language has shifted, as well as the idea of a community of asexual people (in my experience). I've not really had a hard time of it, but I've always felt solo-ish and okay with that, though I do put effort into maintaining friendships. Alone sometimes, but not lonely. One thing I'd like to see more of generally is older queer people in fiction, especially happy ones. We live in a youth-obsessed society, so coming-of-age tales tend to dominate.

Thanks for making this video.

[danielmathers]

I realised I was ace in my late 40s. My life felt pretty difficult as I had gone through a marriage which broke down due to intimacy issues. There was a lot of resentment. I never knew what sexual and romantic attraction was because I'd never really experienced these things. I'm now 53. I've only just come to the decision to say "yes I am asexual".

[jesicad.]

Thank you for the videos. I'm 39 years old. I first heard about asexuality a few years ago while watching Bojack Horseman, which has an asexual character named Todd. I was aware of the LGBTQ community, and sometimes questioned whether or not I was bisexual since I felt the same about both genders. It's difficult for me to accept my asexuality because I'm a CSA survivor and I can't shake the feeling that my disinterest in sex can be "cured" through therapy. I think I might also be aromantic, even though I've been married for fourteen years. I never really wanted a relationship because I believed my duties as a wife included regular sexual activities. When I was younger, I sometimes fantasized about marrying a man who was unable to have sex, such as a paraplegic, or maybe a closeted gay man who just wanted to appear hetero and could secretly have boyfriends to meet his needs. I liked the thought of staying single, but felt I had to have a partner, because that's what society expects.

I've never tried to find a partner, but I've had plenty of boyfriends who asked me out and I wasn't assertive enough to say no. Most relationships lasted two to three months before I was miserable enough to break up with them. I think there are multiple reasons for accepting my husband's marriage proposal and staying with him this long. I never planned on getting married, but my husband is different from my previous boyfriends. For example, he pays close to attention to my body language and recognizes if I'm having a freeze response. He gives me a lot of space and never pressures me to have sex. In my mind, we are very close friends. In his mind, we are a romantic couple. This can cause some tension sometimes though. We are both aware that his feelings for me are a LOT stronger than my feelings for him. I feel a lot of guilt about that. Like I'm a bad person who's taking advantage of his love for me, without loving him back.

I'm so glad I've learned about the ace spectrum. Even though I'm still confused and feel guilty for not being "normal." I'm hoping that I can accept who I am by spending time with other members of the asexual community. It sounds like they share the same thoughts, confusion, and guilt that I'm currently struggling with. My realization that I'm probably ace happened a few days ago. I think it will take some time to free myself from the ingrained social expectations and the feeling that I'm doing something wrong.

[npflaum]

Older Ace too. I've started to disclose in the last few years and it hasn't really gone well. I'm trying to decide if I will continue to come out to others (Maybe I will just wear "coded" clothing or an Ace ring) or not. Either way, I'm really glad to see that there is a lot more discussion and information out there so that people won't have to feel alone or that they are messed up somehow.

[cushmanarmitige]

Understanding there are others like you means so much but i find its bitter sweet in many ways and that can be very hard, hearing advice like this means so much in those moments where the feelings of being broken or isolated resurface and it reminds me that its ok to be this way and not to want what others value so much.

Its alright to want something different, better to embrace those differences and amazing in the times you're truly content with yourself, even if those moments can be rare sometimes.

[Angela-]

I'm 48 and through this channel and another channel along with some other vids I've come to discover that I'm on the ace spectrum, it has been a revelation for me and has made so much sense in relation to my previous long term relationships. I still haven't come out yet, ( except to my daughter who is part of the LGBTQ+ community), but if it comes up then I would like to be open about it, I'm still figuring stuff out for myself but I'm very happy I'm on the right path now and things are making sense 😁🙏

[goldensugarball]

I like seeing older ace here I’m in my mid 20s, never heard of it until a. Couple of years ago and realized how much I related to it. I kept trying to force myself to be “normal” it never felt right I never clicked with anyone or had a real connection with anyone doubt I ever will but it’s nice to watch videos like this

[brentmccollister]

I discovered I belong to the Ace community when I was 49 and came out to friends when I was 50.

[lucisventusnoctis]

dad stop. you're not old. you're ~WISE~

[tobilemoine]

I'm a youngish ace/aro guy (30). I have come to term with my asexuality a few years ago, ok with it, but not sharing this about myself to others. I am also very ok with my relationshipless statu quo. I am a bit afraid to get old and keep things the way they are now, as if I'll never evolve or catch up on whatever allos want to sell us on. I know I shoulder soldier on, but there is always doubt whether or not I'm - maybe - shooting myself in the foot by not doing more right now. How do you get around that? Great channel btw :D

[LewisLittle]

I didn't realise I was asexual until the age of 55 - when I learned that "sexual attraction" and "romantic attraction" were two different things. It turns out that what I've always felt in the past is romantic - never sexual. I'm not "out" except online in Ace-centric spaces, because I really have no need to be out. Nobody who knows or meets me in "real life" (except my long-term partner), needs to know who I'm attracted to or in what ways. I think thats the biggest difference between older and younger people in this kind of situation - when you're navigating relationships for the first time, you kinda need to be out, at least to potential partners. At my age, it's much less relevant. My partner doesn't know the term "asexual" but he knows I don't want sex, and he's ok with that.

[shazza]

Thank you so much for this channel but particular thanks for this video! I have been shedding tears as I have been watching all your videos because I for once feel so seen... but this one has really been so helpful. I'm 47. I first heard about asexuality probably about 10 years ago but I didn't think it applied to me in any way because I was full of all the same misconceptions as broader society. It is only in the last couple of years that I have found out about the spectrum and specifically demisexuality and everything clicked into place. Thank you so much for the work you are doing! It really is making a difference in lives out here in the world.

[StephenLaverackpsychologist]

I'm turning 50 in September and am coming to terms with my asexuality. Your content has really helped me a great deal with my process. As a gay cis-man I thought I was broken or faulty by seeing sex differently to other gay men, and I'm now becoming increasingly more comfortable with my asexuality. Thank you! Ps. I came out to two friends over the weekend, shared my asexuality with them and it went well.

[merle]

On my ace TikTok channel I get so many comments from people who tell me, that they discovered their asexuality in their 30s and what a struggle that had been for their past or current relationships. I'm so happy I learned about my asexuality at 16 and accepted it when I was 18. The time before that acceptance was so exhausting

[grafinvonhohenembs]

Awesome! Stuff like this specific to us somewhat older folks is much needed!

[kateo]

I didn’t realize I was Ace til I was 38, I’ve only told my partner and my best friend…both were accepting, but it’s why I’ve chosen not to come out IRL with people I know although my internet life I’m fairly open with who I am and my experiences

[Smurf_Garden]

hey, i'm new here. discovered asexuality when I was 42 though I always knew something was different. I feel more liberated now. The family pressure is gone since I had a child with my ex. follow your dreams everyone!

[sylmanyeki]

Hi Cody! Im 45 and came out as ace about a year ago!