Why You Should Explain What You Need

There is a widespread tendency to assume that others must know what we mean and want without us having actually told them clearly. We assume that if they don’t, then it must be a sign that they are being wicked or deliberately obtuse. The truth is we have forgotten the fundamental importance of teaching.

FURTHER READING

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“One of the finest things about being a baby is that our minds can be read by others. Without us needing to say anything, people around us will have a guess at determining what we intend — and, typically, they’ll get it right. They’ll correctly surmise that we are craving some milk or that the sun is shining in our eyes, that it’s time for a snooze or that we want to jiggle the keys again…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Deanca Rensyta Mihardja

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[AliHassan-utvj]

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place" - George Bernard Shaw

[SuzanaValenca]

I feel like sometimes we don't ask for what we want because, deep down, we know we are not getting it. Instead of facing the facts that some people are just not going to give us the love or attention we need, we ended up never asking, always resenting.

[trinaq]

As the wise philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you'll find that you get what you need."

[IKEMENOsakaman]

This period in our life has made me very toxic and borderline crazy, listening to The School of Life helps make me sane again

[untanglephilosophy]

I've certainly made the mistake of assuming that people around me are "psychic" and feeling that they should know how I feel, and then being annoyed at them for not understanding how I feel, all the while I haven't communicated anything to them. I guess we can all be better about communicating how we feel, and that includes being honest with ourselves about why we've reacted to something in a certain way

[sjwimmel]

I know this feeling of being misunderstood. But mostly I'm actually surprised with how sensitive my loved ones are to my needs. They sometimes even treat me in a way that I needed, before I know I need it.

[Pikminiman]

I never feel insecure about being misunderstood, but I always take it personally when someone misrepresents me or my thoughts.

[joedavis]

... Wow. This is really important. I'm 81 years old, and I still need to learn this. I hope it helps.

[cielorama]

The benfit of having a mother that lacks intuition of others' internal realities is that I learned this lesson at the very start, applying it the minute I could speak. The downside is that some people feel hurt when they feel I assume they cannot or I am being too direct. Learning to relax into intuitive mutual understanding takes a little bit of time for me, but I never assume anyone has any idea what I am feeling. I appreciate anyone who can read my mind :) Easiest way to my heart.

[Amina]

It sure is not easy to explain neatly without creating unnecessary drama, when all we feel is hurt and not being understood. I think the key is to balance between explaining as soon as possible and explaining once you feel ready. 'Cos if you rush too much, you can't make anyone understand. (Maybe you haven't understood yourself yet.) But if you delay it for too long, the other party might have misunderstood to the point that things became too late. All in all, explaining at the right time can be a challenge. But it's worth the practice because it's a skill one needs no matter how old ones get.

[Putyurlipstickn]

The biggest problem is my life is my enormous nostalgia for my childhood days and I really thank you people working on this channel because I feel seen and understood - thank you.

[grace.flores]

I love that they brought up teaching. I recently started realizing that if I want things a certain way I should take the time to teach others how to make me happy. Whether they cooperate or not is up to them

[janinearmstrong]

As babies, most caregivers actively sought to figure out what our needs were. We still had to communicate them. But as adults, our loved ones aren't as active, and we don't communicate those needs. That life that happens in the middle did a lot.

[improvementspace]

You are responsible for your intention, not your reception.” ~Amy E. Smith

[avidhossanmansur]

After starting college I read Dale Carnegie's life-changing book and now I remind myself of the golden rules. Whenever I'm faced with a challenging person I think about these golden rules offered by Dale Carnegie, and these are just some examples:

Don’t criticize or complain.
Give honest, sincere appreciation.
Be genuinely interested in other people.
Remember and call people by their name.
Be a good listener.
Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Help others feel important, and do it sincerely.
Show respect for another person’s opinions.
Begin in a friendly way.
Use encouragement.
Let others do a great deal of the talking.
Let people think the ideas are theirs.
Try to understand what others think and their reasoning.

[jimmyjams]

"... and the subject we must patiently and laboriously become experts in, and deliver lessons on, is ourselves." I think that right there is a huge part of the problem. A lot of us (myself included) haven't taken the time to earnestly begin this process. Learning about yourself is grueling work. You will have to be painfully honest about your flaws and imperfections and why you have them. You will be forced to understand that many of the traits and characteristics that you don't like about yourself aren't the responsibility or the fault of anybody else; that many of the problems you now face are self-inflicted. You will have to accept that you do have the necessary tools to overcome those afflictions, and that it is your responsibility to apply those tools. It's not because of one circumstance or the other, it's because you haven't chosen to diligently do the work necessary to understand and better yourself. But the truth is that all of this requires a lot of time, effort, and brutal self-reflection. And the world is so cold and unforgiving that it makes sense that a lot of us aren't willing or able to begin this painful process in earnest. I, myself, try and fail to commit to this everyday, and my circumstances are much more forgiving than most people's, so how could I expect something of the world that I can't achieve myself? I'm rambling now, so I'll stop, but the notion of trying to understand yourself is a concept that I couldn't place on a higher pedestal if I tried. It is the most noble of endeavors in my opinion, and it is the most difficult thing we will have to do in this life.

[nancyaustin]

A slightly different way this happens is when our early caregivers don't much care to hear what we want. Those children grow up to be people who don't learn to speak about themselves and assume no one will be interested in them. Having never much thought about it, they don't really *know* what they want or even, in many cases, that there are choices/options.

[ricardoadorno]

I am someone hard too open up about myself to others. I really love to heard other people's life lecture about their life and problems, but often I forget to teach people about myself, only doing so when they insist on me to do so.

[EVL-xjvc]

I used to get emotional and down when my partner didn’t know my feelings and wants. I also used to tolerate insensitive friends. It’s only when I reach my late 30s that I’m able to have the confidence to have demands from my partner, and accept that I will never be close to some friends and that’s ok.

[conservativebarbiedoll]

I would like to counter this point by saying that MANY people take exactly what you say and misinterpret your needs based off what THEY think you need or what is best for you. If you’re being direct and someone is trying to proceed to work against you it’s time to reevaluate your relationship with them.