Autism Disclosure and Unmasking: Is it Safe? Who should I tell?

How do you tell people you’re autistic? And come out safely? If you have been diagnosed later in life, chances are the discovery of autism is a very big thing for you. Maybe you’ve been masking all your life and it’s difficult to get the people in your life onboard with your new self-discovery. However, we have to expect that negative stigma and myths about autism are common. So how do we go about disclosing safely? There are different ways to do it, but for me, the key part was that I wasn’t justifying myself. Rather, I was just sharing what I learned in my own journey so I wasn’t trying to convince anyone.

🎞️Timestamps:

0:00 Introduction
2:15 3 Different Ways of Coming Out As Autistic
3:20 My Experience: How did I do it?
4:08 Creation of the YouTube Channel
4:40 Sharing it vs Looking for Support
4:58 What are the challenges to coming out safely as autistic?
5:08 This is not a step-by-step approach
5:30 Social Challenges of Coming Out Autistic
5:55 Myths and Ideas of People About Autism
7:30 The Journey of Unmasking and Self-discovery
8:15 How can I avoid negative reactions?
10:23 Negative Stigma of Autism – Is it safe to make a disclosure at work?
12:30 Balancing Risks and Rewards
13:25 How do you bring it up to the right people?
15:08 Situations when NOT to talk about it
15:26 3 Things to look for to know when to talk about it
19:08 The Ultimate Advice? Be kind.

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👋Welcome to Autism From The Inside!!!

If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

Join me as I share what I've found along my journey, so you don't have to learn it the hard way.

Make sure to subscribe so you won’t miss my new video every Friday and some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.

👋Connect with me:

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy my channel!

Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness

[innocentnemesis]

It is so hard to accept ourselves when those around us don’t validate our experiences or perspectives. This is why I won’t go to therapy anymore, because as a high-masking woman I’ve ALWAYS been dismissed because I am not, idk, stereotypically nonverbal and flapping my hands around. Even my school psychologist sister dismisses me when I talk about autism: “Everyone is a little autistic though. Let’s not over-pathologise ourselves. It’s called the spectrum for a reason.” It can be so hard to be ourselves when no one allows us to be

[Lance.West]

When I first found out, I was so happy. I finally knew why people didn't want to be around me and it was impossible to make friends. I thought now I'll just tell people and they will completely understand and accept Boy was I wrong there! I should have said I have HIV or something they wouldn't have ran away as fast.... These are people my age about 10 years ago. Casual friends at local bars.
Telling family was a little better but I got the same response as your grandmother, my mom has eventually come around but still says there's nothing wrong with the way I am... I understand why she says that but for me, I need to know why I'm never invited to things, why people ignore me, why people use me for my talent and then drop me like a dirty sock. Knowing there is something "wrong" makes me feel so much better. I asked myself for 25 years "what's wrong with me?" Now that I know, it hurts when people don't believe you. The first person I came out to "was" a good friend he made me feel so stupid and low. I felt like I was trying to apply for disability trying to explain it to him. He said I just needed an excuse for being a weird asshole.
(Be very careful who you come out too! People will take advantage of our weaknesses!) Just went through that for about the 100th time...

[HappyHoney]

I mask so well. As I interact with another, I look fine on the outside. At the same time, my anxiety level is screaming inside. I weigh potential outcomes to my responses, judge what is going on, and try to analyze what is expected as the interaction proceeds. It's exhausting.

[WesLottrd]

I found out at 67 years old, not knowing what’s wrong sucked. I thought I was alone. I'm now very comfortable being autistic. I's nice to have an owner’s manual for my brain, I understand me a lot better. Because of this, my masking methods have improved quite a bit. But I really don’t care if people know. If I had a choice, autism with my gifts, or neurotypical, I’d choose the first. God does not make mistakes.

[sleepyzgoats]

When I told my husband, he just kind of shrugged and said, "knowing what it's called doesn't change who you are. We've been married 20 years and we're managing just fine." And he was so right. I was not only validated but I felt fully accepted! My sister pushed back hard because we're twins, and she's not on the spectrum. But we've worked it out. Thank you for this video!

[sylvanacandela]

I came out as soon as I discovered my autism... At age 69. I recently moved to the community and was a relatively new member of the church. So I came out by standing in front of the congregation and making an announcement. 😊 Yep! I told everyone what a blessing it is and how grateful I am to finally know who I am. When I told my family and friends, also right away, their reaction was basically. "Oh." I mean they've always known that I'm a bit weird, so this probably just made sense to them! 😁 Church folks have been fine. I guess my point is, I'm not looking for anyone's validation. Just happy to shout the good news from every housetop. Happy to be me, and at last, to know who the hell that is! ❤️

[sideshowbob]

I was born 1960, figured out on my own that I'm autistic via reading a random newspaper article about "Asperger's Syndrome" in Nov 2005 at Age 45. This was a "Gobsmacked" moment for me, it utterly & completely explained my life! I fit all the "stereotypes" down to a T: Very difficult childhood, socially awkward, bullied, disruptive in class, not capable of focusing on schoolwork, very few long term friends, in & out of psychologist's office, a Pariah to everyone in my life - family, teachers, classmates, irritatingly focused on narrow interests - trains, ships, bridges, buildings, geology, geography, history, music, art - all at the cost of completing schoolwork. Oh yeah, insanely photographic memory, gifted at math, literally, didn't even have to be taught algebra, geometry, calculus - all that I could do effortlessly, but not hold a conversation of small talk at a party.

But somehow, I managed to cope well enough w/society to go to college, my parents were so Dysfunctional & treated me so abusively I knew I HAD to strike out on my own at age 17, could not tolerate being with them another minute of my life, once on my own things improved a lot, plenty of painful learning experiences trying to live w/dorm mates, room mates, etc, but eventually figured life out enuff to get multiple degrees & licenses in Civil Engineering, land a job w/a State DOT agency designing highways, lived on my own, bought a house, advanced up the career ladder to Project Engineer then Project Manager (I was literally born for my career, literally, "Predestination"), had a few relationships, married for 8 years, didn't work out, never had kids, by the time I "discovered" my "way of being" I was 2+ decades into my career, pretty successful, divorced but in another relationship, had a pretty good social circle of friends.

Your video is prompting me to go back & remember how I "came out" once I figured out my "way of being"

Now here is some controversy: Even after 17 years, I STILL don't have an "official diagnosis" - there are many reasons - first off, I am simply Absolutely Sure I'm Autistic, just having lived my life experiences, knowing what I'm interested in, how I behave, my career, taking all the surveys, etc - some things, like sensitivity to overstimulation, were things I realized I had, but never had thought about. Secondly, when I did seek therapy, most of the groups said "we only take on children", the few that would handle adults said "well, unless you have a "disability" situation, ie, being discriminated against at work, or needing special accommodation at work, then we don't have the time for you". Third, once the Sandy Hook mass shooting happened in Dec 2012 (10th anniversary the other day), which is in my home state (CT, USA), EVERYONE started saying "It's a Mental Health Issue! Take All the Guns Away from Anyone With Asperger Syndrome!" (because the shooter was diagnosed as such), so me, being a firearms enthusiast as part of my interests in history, would have no part in ever seeking an official diagnosis ever again.

So anyhow, I was pretty outspoken & didn't care who I told. I immediately realized that I was literally surrounded by folks "on the spectrum" at my job (I worked mostly with other engineers on designing & managing projects, & I started seeing the "traits" in just about everyone I worked with), & my social circle (most everyone I was friends with was because of some special interests - historical gaming, music, art, bicycling, etc, & again, I saw "traits" in just about everyone. Most folks took it lightly, laughed about it, I did encounter quite a few folks who were obviously "on the spectrum" but ashamed / embarrassed about it, didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it.

So yeah, then it came to my parents. I'd been semi-estranged from them since I went to college at Age 17, had moved 6 hours drive away, only visited for a day or 2 every couple months, on & off, for decades. Didn't share much of my life w/them, as both of them disapproved, I never lived up to the Predestined life they had in mind for me. It was tougher because I was an only child, not by their choice, my Mom had Birthing Difficulties, 3 late term miscarriages when I was Ages 2, 3, & 5. So they wrapped all their hopes & dreams around me, a Disturbingly Dysfunctional offspring, who had brought them nothing but Embarrassment & Humiliation in front of their friends & family my entire childhood.

Dad wanted an athlete, as he had been, but lost interest once it was obvious I had less than zero talent at hitting a baseball, throwing / catching a baseball / football. I played Soccer, but to Dad = "Not A Real Sport" / "For Kids Who Failed At Playing A Real Sport" (yeah, typical 'Murican lol).

Mom, whose father had been disinherited from a wealthy family for marrying below his social class, so she had to grow up poor in the Depression /WW2, she was singularly focused on me growing up to be some sort of "Big Shot" lawyer, corporate CEO, mover & shaker - law degree or MBA from Villanova, corporate lawyer job, country club membership, trophy blue blood wife, 2.5 perfect children, chemlawn mcmansion in the 'burbs, church deacon, rotary club president, dashing in a 3 piece suit, MAKE LOTS OF MONEY & BE WEALTHY & HAVE HIGH To her, my Engineering career was too "blue collar", didn't "get it" at all. Also, working for the Gov't - ugh! Just . . . No - "when are you gonna get a Real job?"

So yeah, my "coming out" to parents happened on my next visit, at breakfast, figured I had their attention. Mom at first showed me an article from Time Magazine she'd kept around from like a year ago, about how Silicon Valley couples were having "Fully Autistic" children at a far higher rate than the general populence, & then the "connection" to "Asperger's Syndrome" began to be made. So yeah, she already knew. But even so, she was STILL in denial about it, blamed the "Liberal Jewish teachers & other kid's parents for warping your mind" (yes, the few friends I did have were Jewish, & the Jewish teachers & parents were the only people ever in my childhood to treat me w/dignity & respect - in fact I owe my success to that little bit of mentoring I got). Mind you, this was by ~2012, when Greatest Gen folks like my parents had been listening to AM talk radio for a few years, were fully steeped in the "Birther" thing - "Obama is the Antichrist!", yata yata. On board the MAGA train, even tho it hadn't left the station. I even tried apologizing to them, for all the hardship I'd put them thru, all the grief, embarrassment, humiliation. I wanted them to know I was happy with my life, & did not hold anything against them for the Abusive treatment they meted out (Mom used to hit me w/the back of her hand across my face every time she got bad news from the school about me), I understood why it was difficult for them to deal w/me.

So, never really "got thru" to either parent, Mom passed away in 2014, never would ever talk about it again, whenever I tried to bring it up, she'd wave her hand, look away. Dad eventually totally disowned me during the 2016 election runup, when I refused to join him on the MAGA train. Sad. I will say, much of my parent's issues have to do w/the Stigma associated w/Mental Illness in their generation (born circa 1930). The genetic component means that it's their "fault" I have a "Disorder" for which there is no "Cure", in their minds.

Yup, can't choose your family. Sad to say. But otherwise, I have no issue telling anyone. Am married to my 2nd wife for 11 years, I told her all about my "condition' from Day 1, she still sometimes doesn't fully "get me", especially when it comes to my "triggers", like TV cable news, which is so full of lies & bullshit it simply drives me off a cliff (& it doesn't matter, right or left wing, both are just as bad to me).

One thing I will add - I know it's now Unacceptable to use the term "Asperger Syndrome" due to the Dr's association w/the 3rd Reich (I agree), & now it's also apparently unacceptable to use the term "High Functioning", which I prefer. "Autism is Autism" the "community" screams. But to me, there is indeed a distinction. I have a couple friends with "fully" autistic children (they are ones who I see as being "on the spectrum" but in denial, like my parents, ashamed of the genetic component), their children, although now in their 20's, will never, despite a lifetime of intensive therapy, be able to live independently, hold down a job, drive a car, or even take a bus/train. They will need "Adult" supervision their entire lives. Yet here I am, pretty well adjusted, having a successful education & career designing & managing some very large, complicated projects (in the $100's of millions), having 6 relationships, 2 of them marriages, a circle of friends, yata yata. Sure, I share many of the same "issues", but not to that severe of a degree. I would say, restricting the label of "Autism", & that's it, to both them, & me, is at the very least pretty confusing to the "lay person" not familiar with it. I will use "on the spectrum". I will Emphatically NEVER use the term "ASD" - "Autism Spectrum Disorder" - I REFUSE to label myself with a "Disorder" - no, I have a "way of being", not something "Wrong" for which a "Cure" is needed.

Sorry for this being so long, you all know how that goes. "End A Conversation!" lol

[highplainsdrifter]

I'm a 54 year old guy from UK, can you imagine the loneliness of being on the spectrum, almost deaf and completly alone through life, it's soul destroying.

[BLKDOLPHNDK]

I didn’t even know I was on the spectrum and until I started following this channel I am a older African American male and I’ve had horror stories coming out with my autism including employers coworkers healthcare providers and most people are not autistic friendly.

[malgorzatapiechocka]

Min daughter told me that she may be autistic.She told me that it is so reliving to know that there can be a reason why she has been struggling so much with her life. Somehow, I feel that it is also reliving for me.
I has been trying so hard to understand what I have done as a parent to make her so unhappy. I think that now we can build a completely new relationship without blaming each other for our past. I love her so much. I am so grateful to all of you for teaching me what is autisim. I am sure I will be able to understand my child (children) better. Thereis also a chance that I will also understand myself better.

[Veroxzes]

I don’t tell anyone about it. Ever. I don’t want people to think less of me or think I’m weird because they don’t know what autism means and I can’t be bothered explaining it all the time. I was diagnosed at a very young age so my family knew I had it before me.

[Lenneeful]

As always, another fantastic video. I personally regret telling co-workers about my autism. It's because by intention was to have them make minor changes that would help me in stressful situations, mainly during mandatory meetings. For exemple : that they avoid wearing perfume and not sit too close to me. Well, my expectations were way off. Nobody adapted. They just take it personally and feel rejected. The question I got was " Were you officially diagnosed?". Since I am self-diagnosed, they just invalidated me. They think I'm too blunt, non-social and too much of a stickler to the rules or just an inflexible person that worry too much about details. I see myself as masking and adapting ALL THE TIME for them. So, it didn't help me at all. There was one co-worker who was very supportive and it is because his daughter is autistic. I thought that because I work in the education system, people would be more sensitive to my issues or at least more knowledgeable, but no. So, in certain work environments, it might be better to just say that you're allergic to perfume, that you are very tired that day, that rules are important for the welfare of all, etc. That kind of verbiage will be better accepted (but few people will accommodate you anyway). 😀

[Judymontel]

As always - so much wisdom and kindness - thank you, Paul. And if I could make a request: I realize you are extremely uncomfortable ending videos, but the gawkiness and the way you admit how difficult it is for you are very endearing and kind of invite the rest of us to be more accepting of those things that are hard for each of us to do. So, my request is - please don't get too much better at ending videos, they have become a very heart-warming part of your videos that I especially like.

[jutta]

Oh dear, I wish I had seen this video before I told my psychiatrist today that I'm going ahead with an assessment for adult autism at a private clinic! It never crossed her mind that I may be on the spectrum because I appear too "normal" (which is a problem in itself). Initially I wanted to keep it to myself but felt that I had to tell her and now she's worried I'm doing something that might cause more harm than good. I understand her concerns but I have to quietly follow my instincts on this and I'm tired of being dismissed as "imagining things".

[katdawgaz]

I just diagnosed this year. It's hard to tell people because they automatically dismiss it. I was taught to mask and be "ladylike" my WHOLE childhood. Literally trained to look normal. But those are all learned behaviors. How I process and interact with the world is very different. That's what people don't understand.

[chloejackson]

Watching this, and reading comments from others makes me realise and appreciate how lucky I am, to have been able to 'come out' safely and without any push back. I started telling people as soon as my referral for assessment was accepted, nevermind waiting for formal diagnosis 😂 I work in the field of autism, and have 2 sisters who were diagnosed before me, so I am fortunate that almost everyone around me has some understanding of autism. One of my lovely colleagues gave me a heads up the other day that she had rearranged part of our office, as she knew this unexpected change might bother me, and that being warned of things in advance helps me.

It has been a very liberating experience. I hope that one day we live in a world where everyone can safely share who they are .

[DevonExplorer]

I don't usually tell anyone unless I think they really should know; one friend and one doctor, and I regret telling the doctor! Instead I usually explain things with the symptom rather than the actual cause, eg, 'I have discalculia' or 'I get panicky if I can't find the exit'. Some people will just think I'm weird anyway, or thick, for some reason, as I sometimes find verbal communication really difficult if it goes off my masking script. It used to really hurt, but now I know who I am it hardly bothers me now and I reckon it's their problem anyway, lol. :)

[tris]

I made the mistake of bringing it up during an escalating disagreement. I was trying to explain the preference for identifying as being autistic vs having autism, and things got out of hand. It started off as a generalized topic, but I was getting more and more upset. When they demanded to know why I was getting so agitated, it just slipped out. There was immediate pushback, and then I left the room in tears. The next day, we acknowledged the argument (things devolved into shouting before I stormed off), and then we shelved the topic. Months later, I asked to talk about it again. There was no argument that time, but they still weren't receptive, and it compounded the hurt. It sucks that they don't believe me, but I've come to terms with it. Their opinion has always meant a lot to me, so I'm still hoping one day they'll come around. Unfortunately, I don't think I've ever been as important to them as they are to me. I'm in the high masking group with comorbid ADHD and anxiety, and I think I just fall outside of their perceptions of autism. Fortunately, they aren't the only person I've shared with and things have gone better with everyone else. The first two people I told didn't bat an eyelash. The third treated it as an interesting new detail about me. I told one of my younger sisters a couple months ago, and I was shocked by how receptive she was. Instead of pushback or dismissal, she asked if it was part of why I always felt so different from everyone else growing up. Her response really touched me and it helped heal some of the pain over the one bad interaction.
Don't assume one bad reception means they'll all be bad. If they are, I highly recommend looking for other autistics in your area. My entire book club is neurodivergent and queer, and I've never had an easier time making friends. When I go to gatherings with them, I leave feeling energized instead of exhausted. Being able to socialize without masking is a game changer, and I'm so grateful for my friends.

[Geaners]

You have an excellent presentation opening and closing your videos, and everything in between. You probably don't realize the impact you have. Don't change anything!

[ThindiGee]

My son was diagnosed 8 years ago and back then I questioned myself whether he has it from me but threw out that thought because I believed it can't be as I'm really good at reading facial expressions.
A couple of months ago my trusty counsellor asked out of the blue if I had ever been tested because she noticed some clear symptoms. I was stunned and my whole life flashed in front of my eyes, all those situations that would make so much sense with this diagnosis.
So yeah, turns out she was right. I wish the public was more informed about what the spectrum looks like and everyone who needs it has the opportunity to get a diagnosis and proper support.