Shame Culture

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What is shame culture? Is there a connection between shame, Complex Trauma and Shame Culture? What are the unhealthy aspects of Shame Culture? Tim answers these questions in this talk.

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[Asra]

Thank you. I am a first generation Latina female raised within shame culture. I have a narcissistic father that reinforced patriarchy. My mother used religion to keep me subdued. I was raised in America but could not participate in traditional western living. I also have CPTSD and ADHD. I was and have been alienated by my family, excluded from inclusiveness b/c I am neurodivergent. I have spent years on my own without the "help/benefit" of traditional friend groups, family, & community but I am better for it. (Being alone does not equal lonely.) I am proud of myself for not being a contributing member of shame culture. Thank you Tim for the lecture, I hope more people see the pervasive issues that shaming causes within a country, a family, a person and it's unnecessary. I pray more people strive to think more independently and act with more empathy and compassion in these future days. 🙏

[hillarylarson]

Recently discovered you and I’m realizing things from these videos that 10 years of therapy haven’t uncovered! Thank you! I feel understood.

[BlueskyDenver]

The reality is that dysfunctional people and dynamics are everywhere from your family of origin, to your workplace, to your circle of peers in university, to your very intimate relationships and closest friendships. I come from Europe and so often people say, Ohh it’s way better over there, people are healthier. And it isn’t true. Many people I met that were born here share the same experiences in trauma with me., so the place of birth and country is different but the outcome is the same, abandonment, abuse, rejection, neglect and isolation. They had abusive and very unhealthy parents just like I did., even though we were raised in two different parts of the world. So that shows you that in general most people regardless of where they come from have been through a lot of trauma and pain.

[anta]

I'm half Italian and was raised in Italy. Most of the points you raised (except honour killings which nowadays are illegal but were tolerated in Italy until as recently as 1981) describe Italian culture. Italian culture is very much a shame based culture. It annoys me when people romanticise Italian culture because, while there are many wonderful things about it, it's also a codependent culture and there are many aspects of it that are unhealthy. Most outsiders only see the glossy exterior (meant to impress others) but don't really see what's behind the façade. I've been shunned because I've chosen to leave the group and become healthy. It's a lonely path to travel and only now, when I look back, can I see exactly how unhealthy it all was/is. I've had difficulty when trying to bring it up in therapy with a non Italian therapist (I don't currently live in Italy) who doesn't understand Italian culture. Ive tried explaining it but they minimise things and say "well that's just the culture" and, as a result, I've been left feeling unheard and that they don't get my point. Thank you for this video. It's very validating.

[Haferkoko]

Thank you from a trans guy who has managed to escape from a shame based abusive family home. My escape has then motivated my mom to leave her narcissistic husband and finally spread her wings, move out and start a new life, putting her children first.

[selfcaresally]

Where I grew up, “honor” meant honesty, integrity, trustworthiness, and keeping commitments; not image or status. In that case, shame was the consequence for literally breaking trust by lying or cheating or not keeping commitments; not just a form of self-protection for the people in authority. My partner on the other hand had a similar family culture to the one described here, and it was all about protecting the addict from the consequences of his actions.

[franzabananza]

Straight up hood black culture. As if black people don't feel shame enough for history and our position in socity we shame each other endlessly and it's ridiculous.

[patchdoodle]

Every African family. Shame culture is very common . I found out my father has two families he’s kept seperate for years. When I revealed the truth, I was ex- communicated from the famiky by my father.
The other family he ‘abandoned’ as children have also been cast away.
The only relationships maintained are those who have been threatened with subjugation and/ or defend his actions (like my mother and older sister).
Shame culture is an insidious, toxic element. The sad part about it is that you can only save yourself (and then your children). The society defends the narcissistic abuser. It’s futile to attempt to change it.

[ofkgjsl]

Agree 100%. Same with my vietnamese Family. Everything has an agenda. No unconditional love. No true selves. People are pro manipulators. I also think this is a poor peoples mentality where people are dependent on each other to reach materialistic stability and safety. Individualism is a luxury good in highly developed countries.

[Thatsbannanas-dc]

I learned, how to live by taking the LIFT program.
One very significant lesson was; That in a healthy world, we would all be equal. No suoerior/inferior people. We are all equal. I respect that. And I remind myself everyday, how “unhealthy” it is to judge others.

[rababkhursheed]

Never has anyone articulated my central pain like this.
Ive completely blocked out the memories associated with how my value was attached to what i wore.
I now know how painful that was to me. Thank you Tim 🙏

[joanfolds]

This video helps me make sense of my family of origin. I've been going to counseling off and on since I was 34, and I was never able to make sense of my experience. I am 67 and this video says it all. Thank you, Pastor Fletcher.

[AVADAMS]

I've been following your content, and am very grateful for your perspectives. When I saw this video title, It stopped me dead in my tracks. Since becoming aware of Brene Brown's work, I've been operating on a thesis, that our entire consumerism system is built off of shame.

[llkellenba]

My family do the “she’s not one of us, not a person worth bothering with, ” so they ignore and devalue me. Some actively smear me with whatever resentment and stories they dig up. Tightens their bond and justifies exiling or ignoring me. I was pathologically loyal to family-tried to fulfill parts of parents roles to make up for our parents neglect and absence of support. Parents have died and apparently I am no longer necessary, or worse blamed for not being a “good enough” parent figure. Trying to create a reciprocal relationship as equals was an absolute dealbreaker. Heartbreaking 💔 that I wasn’t consciously aware I was investing in a family that would ultimately betray and discard me. There were clues I just didn’t recognize or accept that it was reality. Radical acceptance is the only way through this loss/disappointment.

[dariabondavalli]

In Italy we have lots of those aspects that you described. I actually realized lately how toxic is the value system in Italy. For example "respect the elderly" yes I agree with that if the elderly person is not a pedophile or a ass..le for example. Being an elderly person does not equal to be holy person.

[saintofspades]

This is one of the most eyeopening video ive seen in a LONG time!! But i can see this SO much in the US aswell!!! And my own ”western” culture family. Strong Family values, expectation of gender roles, transphobia, competition, men work and women stay at home etc! All based in a religion (that never talks about family values or honor). Wow. My eyes are opened now!

[ranc]

Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."
(poslovni hr)

Young American explained why she escaped from Croatia:
"Often I heard Croats intruding why am I eating something, or commenting about what I wore. There is no such thing in America, we allow people to be what they want to be."

[lilwinged]

My mom always said Shame on you, or she shamed herself or others. Her mom did the same thing. I never let her say it to my children. But boy has it stuck on me my whole life. Generational shame..

[xanderduffy]

I am from a GypsyTraveller culture. And the shame-based aspect is a plain fact!

[isi]

This topic is one of the most important and impactful aspects how people treat each other and if trauma repeats and repeats or if it eventually will stop in the future. Thankyou Tim for your incredible work and putting this into understandable words. 🙏❤