Warning to Neurotypicals: Don’t Fight with an Autistic Spouse - You'll ALWAYS Lose!

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[valeriecailean]

Warning to ASD husbands - having ASD, once you become aware of the issues it creates for the unassuming neurotypical, there is no excuse for not equally making the effort to meet in the middle! ☯️😉 All's fair in ASD LOVE & chronic relationship STRUGGLES!🎄May we all survive the holidays!🎄🙌🎅🏻🎄🥳

[markhutten]

Points to consider:

• A shutdown can be like a reset for the person with ASD.
• In many ways, a meltdown mimics burnout.
• Meltdowns can be external and include aggressive behavior, agitation, or extreme emotional responses.
• Shutdowns tend to be more discreet than meltdowns - and may even go unnoticed sometimes - but either way, the ASD spouse is no longer invested in problem-solving.
• The best response to a shutdown is to give your ASD spouse the space to recuperate without placing additional demands on him.
• When your ASD husband “shuts down, ” he may not respond to your communication attempts anymore (you lose – again).

[wearegoingtomessthisup]

When dealing with anyone, ASD spouse or not, where one has a professional/legal/etc duty to say something one knows the other is not going to agree with and/or take well: I find saying it as neutral and emotionlessly as possible is helpful. It takes care of liabilities while leaving the other's response purely their own.

[joditillman]

I'm the ASD wife with an NT husband. It seems like he always wins. He lectures. I shut down. I guess, we both lose. I love him, though!!

[theaquariananimist]

You described my relationship with my son. I'm not nt. I'm on the spectrum and have CPTSD from his extremely malignant narcissistic father. Most boys/ males do this. I can't recall a male who didn't respond to life this way. They lose their stuff and blow up or run off, only to act like nothing happened and forgive us girls and we are not so easy to move on. Males are just abusive in this way and females ruminate too much. I already don't understand how NTs are NTs if they are known to lie, manipulative etc that's cluster B but they'll never seek genuine diagnosis. When males act this way I either move on or protect myself if needed. They often start the fight to avoid accountability and pass it on to the nearest female. My daughter and I talked last night, why do men say we're the emotional ones or irrational when they smash things, break things, lose their minds in public or drive crazy and then say.. whoops. We females often have to think rationally to clean up their messes. Honestly, haven't met a single male who doesn't do this. I forgive my son pretty quickly just because I understand how he works and he cooperates more if I have thick skin. But I have zero desire to tolerate this in a partner despite being on the spectrum. All men do this. I'm demisexual likely switching to asexual to avoid more people like this. With CPTSD it's not worth it. I understand my 15 year old but men need to grow up even if they're on the spectrum. Abusive and neglectful partners will make you sick no matter how much you change yourself. I have fibromyalgia too... Fight or flight does that.

[stephencolligan]

When you say “fight”, I take it you mean trying to get yourself understood when your own viewpoint is being challenged aggressively?
Surely not all AS persons are unwilling to at least engage in conversation to resolve conflict, though you seem to be saying that.
Do you mean when a conversation has become very heated?
In which case even in NT /NT relationships it is often better to agree to disagree and stop before things escalate

[ingridross]

I live in scotland but love you videos, you describe my partner to the T, I'm really struggling to give in to him, you are so right you can never win,

[ccinswim]

Omg u are so right. Please listen to Mark!!

[mikewizoski]

I’m not with my autistic fiancé anymore but I can’t seem to recover from the trauma of the relationship and I don’t know where to get help. My therapist is incompetent intern the mental health care is awful unless I pay for private services. If I had the money I would pay for better help.

[risingphoenixiw]

I have ASD and I believe my partner does, too. I used to be the ones with the meltdowns but I learned how to regulate independently because I knew he wasn't going to change. Now he's still having meltdowns and I'm just scared. I don't want this experience to make me leave for the safety of our daughter.

[carlosbushm]

That's is why at the first sight of trouble, you ask for a change a first time, maybe a second time, and if everything is the same, you just walk away....

In this way you save yourself years of pain and heartache... You move on and leave the aspie, find a better adjusted person and be happy

Period

[Shantiholisticwellness]

Wow...yes! The 3 day wait. It wasn't in my head.

[rdu]

Little nephew has non verbal severe autism, when he has meltdown tantrums we stop him when he gets way too animated on the ground, I always gets beat up, and have my hair pulled around. frustration, sadness and anger are always there for me but when he calms down goes back being happy like nothing happened.

[namelessnemo]

I am an autistic wife married to a neurotypical husband. I am searching for videos to send to my husband to understand me better and all that I find is ND husband and NT wife as if we don’t even exist.

[TBC]

There’s no hope, if you are searching for help please listen GET OUT NOW, THEY DO NOT CHANGE OR GROW. IT GET S MUCH MUCH WORSE WITH AGE. NEVER BETTER.

[repentorperish]

Mark...do you diagnose? I believe my spouse is ASD ..however also shows ODD & maybe some other mental illness. His mother I believe is a psychopath. His youngest brother diagnosed bipolar. And another brother I believe is a narcissist.
Unfortunately my spouse believes there's nothing wring with him. I need to get him to see someone to see what's really going on.(I know in school he said he was in the emotionally handicapped class). Could you see him if hes willing & see what he has?

[melissawagland]

Hey Mark
I have been watching your videos for a couple months now. I believe my husband may be ASD. Everything I do pushes him further away, which is not what I want. We have been in traditional couples therapy on and off for 4 years. Could you send me a link to the group you have coming up. This video hit home for me, I definitely need to change my approach!

[ubergigglefritz]

We're struggling. I'm going to see if he'd be up to go ahead and start this, if he wants us to work. 💜

[juliepeacock]

So true Mark, I just won't engage with him for my own health and well being, I wait now till he makes the first move to communicate to talk, and he will remember every single word I said so I have to be very aware of what I'm saying and how my tone of voice is

[bethanysurrender]

Is it worth it to have a relationship with someone with Asperger's? So... I met this guy at work he showed that he feels sorry for acting rude...but can not communicate... Only once he tried but I was upset and didn't give him the attention. Therefore me being ADHD and him being him we dropped the ball but Im still in love with him.