How to 'Grow' - The Hard Truth About Growth

Our societies are attached to a phrase which it can be a bit too easy to assume we understand. The talk is of people ‘growing’ and of having ‘grown’ which alludes to some kind of important psychological evolution and development. But what does ‘growing’ really involve? What is it we are developing a capacity to do when we so-called grow and what are we leaving behind? And, crucially, how might we train ourselves to grow a little more - and a little more quickly?

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FURTHER READING

“Our societies are attached to a phrase which it can be a bit too easy to assume we understand. The talk is of people ‘growing’ and of having ‘grown’ which alludes to some kind of important psychological evolution and development. But what does ‘growing’ really involve? What is it we are developing a capacity to do when we so-called grow and what are we leaving behind? And, crucially, how might we train ourselves to grow a little more - and a little more quickly?

What we may essentially be pointing to with the idea of growth is the ability to stop responding to situations in the present through lenses unconsciously distorted by our psychological histories and, especially, the quirks and biases bequeathed to us by our invariably somewhat complicated childhoods…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Natalia Beigaj

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[CodeDusq]

Growth is the wisdom and knowledge gained from mistakes, not from being mistake free.

[ferial]

"To grow is to acquire the courage for new sorts of questions"

[robertoadame]

I am fragile and I am in need of severe remolding, thankfully I can admit this. Such simple things make me cry as a young child and what a wonderful world it is to allow me this

[ivana]

To grow you have to accept you are still in many ways a child.
So true. The problem so many people refuse to humble themselves and can't handle any negative feedback to accept when they're acting like a child and so nothing gets done about it so they can grow up and authentically be who they want to see themselves as. The irony.

[fen]

The problem with this kind of growth is that other people are quick to agree if you say maybe you were wrong, but you can't escape the sinking feeling that they are not being as self aware as you are trying to be.

[Ytvzoey]

This is so good.

Growth is that moment when you finally see your counter productive behavior in a situation and think, “why am I doing this?”

This can happen in so many situations. In so many different ways.

I used to talk horribly to myself. Seriously if I ever spoke that way to a friend I would have gotten a well deserved punch in the face. One day I said to husband, “I speak horribly to myself. It’s so messed up. Next time I do it - I’m gonna push on this horn and tell myself ‘that’s not true!’.” Much of it was so unconscious so the horn blowing helped. It made me aware of how often I was doing it.

At first it was a bit of a shock how many times a day I blew that horn. Like holy moly. And the things I would say?? It makes me sad to think I would say these things to myself.

Eventually, it got less and less. Now, I don’t speak to myself that way anymore.

I knew that this was growth. It’s like one day I stopped and heard myself for the first time and said “what the heck?? No. This isn’t normal or healthy and it absolutely has to stop.” It’s like a foggy haze lifted from my brain. My eyeballs became metaphorically bigger. I could see something I hadn’t seen before. And I was never the same person again.

[rememberthebrowngurl]

The best advice I have gotten is "If you are uncomfortable in your current comfortable state, you are growing and need a new space"

[ringstar]

Really needed this. Blocked out an incredibly toxic person that kept moving the flagpole about me being a good enough person to them but in reality, I have grown, and even outgrown them. As long as you are aware and do try, you will always grow to be a better person.

[cecibrazilian]

I can really relate to the idea in the video that growth means becoming more aware of how our past shapes our reactions in the present. We all carry baggage from childhood—things like fear, loneliness, or feelings of betrayal—and these things unconsciously color how we view and respond to the world. The idea of pain as a catalyst for growth is something I agree with wholeheartedly. We often have to face a crisis to be forced to reevaluate who we are and what we’re doing. It’s often suffering that wakes us up, that leads us to confront our failings and make real changes. That said, I think growth isn’t just about letting go of confidence or certainty—it’s about understanding ourselves more deeply and becoming more authentic. When I say "authentic" I mean acting in alignment with your true values, feelings, and beliefs, without trying to conform to others' expectations. It’s about being honest with yourself and others, and not pretending to be something you’re not. It involves recognizing your flaws and strengths, and making choices based on who you genuinely are. Growth also means learning to work with them, not just be passive about them. It’s not about losing strength, but about using our experiences to shape a stronger, more grounded sense of who we are. True growth requires us to face uncomfortable truths and act on them, even if it feels messy or uncertain. It’s about taking what we’ve learned from our struggles and using it to make better choices going forward, even when we don’t have all the answers. Growth, for me, is a mix of being vulnerable and having the courage to move forward, even if we don’t know exactly how it’s all going to turn out.

[shubhamsingh]

Growth is realizing that suffering is inevitable, no matter what you do, what you achieve or what you become. The moment you expect that suffering should not be there, you increase it by 100 times. All we can do is solve our current reason for suffering and move to the next one.

[XenoRaptor-]

If you ask me what an unquestionable sign of both intelligence and maturity is knowing how to handle difficult situations.

[lovethyneibor]

"Nonexistence never hurt anyone. Existence hurts everyone."

Thomas Ligotti

[lijmoo]

2:51 I like when people answer this from time to time. More so if they like figuring out the answer with you.

[LstBrth]

There is a concept I've never heard before until a few days ago. Shoshin.
This term refers to the attitude of the pupil. The one who's learning for the first time.
Interest, curiosity, excitement! But also humility, patience and desire for growth.

Thanks again for an amazing video!

[stanijev]

book Unveiling Your Hidden Pontential by Bruce Thornwood can change your life. Habit must be not outcome based but rather identity based. Stay blessed.

[thingsnstuff]

This is a very tough pill to swallow for me. I understand that I have some things to learn but the amount of pain to learn them has been immense!! Man, I hope I can be a better person someday 😔

[BatmanSays]

to grow is to understand, empathise and be kinder, everyday - to ourselves and to others - even in those difficult situations .
we are actually still learning ...and growing ....probably :)

[CedricHarms-tbhf]

I've read in a scientific psychology journal, that you don't only grow through painful moment, but also through very happy or joyful moments! :)

[akankshaverma]

Never stop making videos, I always learn something whenever I watch your videos

[hank_]

The Untethered Soul is an amazing book/audiobook - so healing to be living in the present and starting to not be framing my currently life situations based on my past trauma. It's accepting the moment for what it is, and not the baggage we wish to impart on it. <3