Saving My Mother: Do I Have a Responsibility to Help My Parents Emotionally Heal?

Thank you for watching this video. It was not an easy one for me to make (emotionally, that is!)

[yelena]

I like that "it's not the responsibility of the traumatized to heal the traumatizer."

[Sketch_Sesh]

A lot of us have already learned the hard way: you can’t do someone else’s inner work for them

[sonseraedesigns]

I ended up losing my career, my home, my savings trying to take care of people who didn’t care about me. Lost everything..and then when I was homeless, they didn’t care. You can’t earn anyone’s love. They either love you or they don’t.

[Denise]

Sadly, some people don’t want help. They’re more comfortable wallowing in their misery. Accepting that fact is difficult for the children, but it’s a step in the right direction for the children to heal.

[palominoshine]

The solution is to become our own loving parent.

[eastalawest]

My parents wanted me to parent them, even at a very young age. They wanted me to heal the damage caused by their parents. But when I got older and started having severe mental health issues due to the abuse I suffered at their hands, they judged me and abandoned me.

[jalena]

True. You can't be responsible for your parents and their emotional states. It is too much of a burden. I lived at home until I was 27. I was my mom's live-in counselor. I always tried to "help" her. I defended her against all who hurt her, etc. I was the protector. She was the child. It drained me. I didn't have my own life, because I was too worried about hers. It is no way to live, for a parent to feed off of the emotional support of their child, so they can make it through life. I met a man. Got married. And, moved away from my folks. I have 3 children now, and am so glad I got away from my family. I don't know where the courage came from to leave, because people would ask me "what about your mom?" Like I was expected to sacrifice my life for my mom's. To never leave her. I'm not in real contact with my parents now, and when I think of them, I actually get creeped out. Picturing myself having a relationship with them, makes me feel icky inside -- like I have to sacrifice myself to get their "love" and/or approval. I'll never sacrifice myself again. They got 27+ years to warp and twist my mind. They're not getting anymore. Save yourself, because your parents surely won't.

[KT-glfe]

No matter what we do as children to parents like this, it is never enough. Their behaviour never changes. I always get blamed for everything even in my adult life. I just don't care anymore. One thing that's always stood out to me is my mom said to me, "can't you stop wanting a mom and just be my friend." I will never forget that.

[kaiazion]

Thank you for your video. My Mum stayed with a man who sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me from the age of 5 until age 48. My mum died 2 yars before him so he cut me from the bulk of the inheritance. He lleft my 3 siblings who he loved millions of dollars, property and possessions. I could have contested the will but the pain of having to see and fight my estranged siblings was too overwhelming. In the end all i wanted was love and a step father who truly accepted me as his own. My mother I realise was the real problem. She should have left the 1st time she saw him violate me.

[Turtua]

" I was trained to put my mom first, to love her to the best of my ability till she would be a mom to be, care for me, all that love would boomerang to me like trickle down economics"

Such a good upload during the holidays, a sad time for many adult survivors of abuse. Thank you.

[beckbabej]

She knew you had to get up early and take that long drive, but she didn't care. You're such a wonderful person Daniel, you deserved better.
The night before my sister's wedding shower, my father was in the hospital with a supposed heart attack ( that turned out to be an anxiety attack). My mother kept me up all night complaining about how it would impact her if he died. Not one mention of caring about him, just "how could he do this to ME". The next day I went to the shower an exhausted mess, and my mother didn't go claiming to be too upset, my sister had no parents at her shower. By the time the shower was over my father was home and they were both acting like nothing happened.

[Analysis_Paralysis]

This is exactly what my therapist said to me yesterday. He said it was not my responsibility to help my mother heal her trauma. Thank you for confirming it. I feel relief and a sense of freedom. I subconsciously believe I'm not 'allowed' to heal, unless I share that knowledge with my mother in helping *her* also heal.

[diane]

Oh yes...I know this story. I was my mother's professional listener from the time I could first hear her voice. I listened until she died at age 93 in 2018 and all the time angry at her for never listening to me without her eyes glazing over. But, she was the sweetest lady on earth and no one ever let me forget it! 🥳 Now, five years later, I'm pretty much cried out and feeling sort of happy despite being a broken-down 75-year-old lady!😂

P.S. I'm a retired therapist in Oregon.😊

[Michael-Archonaeus]

A child is NEVER responsible for the parent!

[jennygao]

I really needed this one, thank you! I have felt perpetually guilty for pulling away in my late 20s to finally no longer be their 'therapist'/emotional caregiver and create boundaries. My parents acted surprised that I would do this and have expected me to continue to fix them/make them happy, when in fact I needed so much time alone/away from their toxicity to heal and to find who I am before all the enmeshment and 'being a good child'. And no they don't change so I got really burnt out trying to help them and resentful. Even my therapists could not have said what you said and I am really appreciative of the validation you give to children of dysfunctional families.

[witchywoman]

A huge step in my healing process was realizing that I was under no obligation to take care of my mother's emotional needs. She'd been using me in this way all my life, but she was a black hole of need that could never be filled. I did everything I could to make her happy, but it was never enough and came at the tremendous cost of my own happiness. We can't control anything in the external world, the only true power we have is managing our own inner world. The more I detach from my mother and the drama and disentangle myself from the codependent relationship that she'd fostered between us since my childhood, the more I heal.

A parent has the obligation to nurture and care for their offspring, but a child is under no such obligation to take care of the parent, even though that's the position so many of us were placed in BY our parents, starting from a young age. Kudos to you Daniel for recognizing this and taking your own life back into your own hands. If our mothers want to heal, that's up to them, just as it's up to us to take care of ourselves and our own healing. The responsibility for one's well-being falls squarely upon one's own shoulders; everyone has this responsibility and capability, it's simply an individual choice whether to exercise it or not.

[melaniereed]

I would never confront either of my parents about the impact of what they did to me - I do my own work in the privacy of my inner experience with the support of teachers, therapists, and friends. I know my parents inside and out, they are too shallow and immature to evolve. They have eaten up many decades of my life and now feeling almost entirely free of them, they are not my responsibility in any way. Their actions and attitudes have made their life and they have the responsibility for it. Thanks for this video, very illuminating.

[jeanettepettiford]

Almost killed myself saving my mom to get her to love me, so my life would be saved. It's not your job to heal your parents, it doesn't work. We have to save and heal ourselves, as hard as that is. Great video.

[AnxietyMentor]

I looked after my mother since I was a kid. I kept doing it for years way past the point of burnout. At 35 I could no longer do it. I found the best nursing home I could and put her in there. I feel guilty often but if I did not do what I did my mental would have gone down the toilet. I also needed to get on with my life. Within a year I was married and have been now for the last 4 years.

[karinealami]

¨It is the job of the mature side of me to be the parent for the wounded child inside of myself¨ Thank you Dr Daniel Mackler.