Can A Narcissist Pass THE BIRD TEST?

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"

JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM

JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK

GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS

SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST

LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[ninamc]

My mom never passed the bird test. We went over to a friend's house for Christmas when I was 8 and they filmed it on a video camera. My friend had gotten bubblegum made to look like french fries and I thought it was so cool. In the video I'm going "Mommy, look! Mommy, can you see? Look, it's french fries! Mommy, can you see the french fries? Look, it's actually bubblegum! Mommy, can you please look?" while my mom sat eating her food, completely ignoring me. Looking back my first thought was "Wow, I was annoying, " but now I realize how sad that moment actually was for me and I was just trying to have my existence acknowledged by the one person who was supposed to love me.

[mpaulpintarich]

My employers always wonder why I don’t ask questions. As a child of narcissists: I learned that asking a question gives the other person permission to withhold an answer.

[minoutv]

I have a different bird test. I had a narc housemate, and in true fashion, would never lift a finger to help with any form of yard work or anything else involving being outdoors or requiring any exertion. For a couple years there was a dove that nested in one of our trees. Whenever I went outside to do yardwork, I would often take a break and sit on the step of our front porch. For whatever reason that dove would fly down from the tree and perch on the back of my shoulder! I have no idea what attracted the dove, but this happened numerous times. All I recall is my narc housemate’s reaction, when she saw the dove on my shoulder, which was pure jealously, then backed by some comment as to why that is the reason she does not like to go outside. The dove did this for a couple years, after which I have not seen it since. Kind of miss the little bird walking on the back of my shoulder. I do not miss the housemate.

[lc]

I wrote a song one time and played it for my narc ex when he got home. He just raised his eyebrows and laughed at me and left the room. They don't like anything to bring you joy if they don't have the power to take that joy away from you. It doesn't matter how tiny the joy is, they have to be in charge of it or they have to kill it right then. It's truly bonkers.

[youngblood]

Narcissists show you who they really are, when they don't need you anymore.

[insiteandawareness]

The narcissist I was involved with knew that I loved hummingbirds and so he found an awful video of a hummingbird getting eaten and he showed it to me. He failed significantly on the bird test and I knew that I was with someone who was mentally ill after that happened.

[madelinebock]

Ironically, a friend was over last week (he "grew up on the land") and made me pinpoint a partridge up a tree in my rural backyard. It flapped up into the top of a birch to get the last rays of the day. He then explained what it was doing and eating this time of year. I have gratitude for people like that after a lifetime of narcs.

[Andrea-HeIsKing]

I'm just realizing how badly I was neglected by my family. My parents flipped houses and at 13 we moved again. When I returned from a weekend from my dad's house, I came to our new house to realize my mother had thrown out ALL of my belongings. I literally had only a couple things hanging in the closet. All of my childhood toys were gone, including a handmade doll ( with handmade clothes) my grandma gave me.😞 I'm 56 and border on hoarding and I think this is why I have so much stuff. I'm starting to go through things and get rid of them
Thank you Dr. Romani. I really appreciate you.🙏💕

[Reafawaz]

I haven’t heard of the bird test but lived it quite literally first hand. My kids and I were trying to find a way to help a baby bird who fell out of it’s nest onto our driveway. My boys were so sweet and I was so proud. My then husband came outside, completely dismissed the bird, the kids, and I, and instead encouraged the kids to go get a car wash for his Porsche. Priorities! The bizarre life I led…. Completely empty.

[lauraspinner]

A narcissist will only pass a bird test if they are in the love bombing phase, or if he is very smart and has heard of the bird test, realizing what you are doing at that moment.
As always, as long as the narcissist feels like something serves THEM, then they will be accessible for that thing.

[totostamopo]

The bird test with my ex: he would get very upset that my attention had strayed from him for even a second and become surly and complain that I didn't pay attention to him. Rainbow, shooting star, bird, our child- didn't matter. If it wasn't him- it was rude of me to notice it. Thanks for this episode doc! So glad I am now thriving after breaking from my long term marriage. You all can do it too!

[kryssysmith]

None of the narcissists in my life cared. However, I want to thank you because you've helped me realize with this analogy that if THEY DON'T appreciate the small things, it's a red flag for me personally. I have a tremendous toolbox of red flags, and this is just another one to add to it.

[christicarver]

I have a weird twist on this. In the first year of our relationship we went to a few national parks. He would point something out and I would look and respond. Before I could finish responding he was pointing something else out. It was extreme, I wasn’t even able to take in the experience for myself because he was acting like a young child pointing to everything before I could. It felt almost competitive at times. I finally had to ask him to let me experience it myself a bit. It was seriously extreme and I should have run them. That was a sign that he was wanting a moms attention and was going to evolve into a giant man child covert narcissist. Has anyone else had this experience?

[marieborchardt]

And the day came when he yelled at me for asking him a simple question while he was watching tv. A commercial was playing at the time.

[logosgal]

With the narcissist I grew up with, I can hardly imagine even attempting a proper "bird test". He had me so well trained on his interests, it wouldn't even occur to me to try to engage outside of his terms.

With my partner now, I can hardly imagine either of us failing a bird test. We both love to listen to things the other is interested in, if for no other reason than someone we love is interested in them. It's so nice to be learning firsthand what a healthy relationship looks like! 🥰

[EveningTV]

I couldn't even get my sociopathic ex husband or narcissistic parents to pay attention when I was having a flippin heart attack! After a decade in that marriage it didn't seem that outrageous when he said, "You're a grown woman. You have a car don't you? Why are you bothering me with this?" I was mad at myself after that, wondering what I was thinking. How selfish of me.

[MaxOakland]

I never knew about the bird test but I'm realizing that the bird test is a very important factor in my friends and relationships. If people can't engage with me on stuff like that, I don't feel a connection

[ckvarnmass]

Tried for over 20 years to engage the narc, it was impossible. I would be ignored or told, "What do you want me to do about it." or, "You need to accept me for who I am."

[JLTravels]

Oh my gosh, this is amazing! They can’t engage, preoccupied with their own interests! No wonder I was so unseen, unheard, & eventually depressed. Thank you Dr Ramani!

[joanistock]

He hated for me to point stuff out like birds or a crazy tree. He told me to stop and I did for years. When I finally started to see what was going on in my life, I started to point out everything! It irritated him and I enjoyed that fact. It felt so good. Petty but you look for ways to stay sane.