Attachment Vocabulary: Guilt Vs Shame

[Ashley--L]

Eye opening! I am binging on your videos, having insights, taking notes, ... Each one is a jewel! Thank you! <3

[getreadywithmemamma]

Thank you My brain can be a shame bucket thank you for

[compassionandwisdom]

Vulnerability with others seems to help me quite a lot on my discovery of shame in my life. Most people seem to respond quite well to me when I am honest and express my shame in a vulnerable way. Thank you Heidi, keep it up, another video on this topic would be great.

[angelmossucco]

Wow. Shame obscures and blocks appropriate guilt.

[howtosober]

WOW, the part about shame and making amends answered something huge for me. I was in a relationship with a DA that dumped me for no reason and absolutely destroyed my life on his way out as some sort of revenge plot against me for finally setting boundaries and telling him I was done being his emotional dumpster and responsible for making him feel better all the time. He owes me a ton of rent money, took a bunch of my stuff, and let my cat escape on purpose, never to return. He's in a 12-step program and he's SUPPOSED to make amends to me. But it's been almost 2 years and he hasn't bothered to do a thing. And naturally, I never had the opportunity to express myself, because he made sure he never had to experience any consequences for his actions or deal with my emotions. As far as I can tell, he simply doesn't care. But because my experience with a DA felt exactly the same as being in a relationship with a narcissist, I may be missing something. If shame is a core wound for DAs, and he actually felt shame over his behavior at some point, maybe he feels entitled never ot have to make amends or confront my feelings because he thinks he's paid up already.

Side note: Is anyone else hyper-attuned to their animals' emotional needs, bids for contact, and attachment security and vigilant about being responsive to them? Just me? Oh, ok LOL!

[scheitahnberg]

it's the craziest of things, conflating shame and guilt. I grew up with shame being the backbone of everything. cue feeling unable to progress because you instinctively unable the smallest feeling of guilt (professional growth) because of being instantly overwhelmed

[driftingpaperboat]

It's so helpful to know that shame is felt so intensely within that one can hardly think about the other person. What a painful emotion... it's hard to fathom its function in society. When I feel shame I physically react so strongly, I wince or abruptly walk away or cover my face in pain. But the pain has also led me to question whether I really deserve it, and when examined fairly I always find some compassion for myself. Whether we were wrongly shamed or there is something we should change, the first step is to sit with and examine that intense feeling and not run away because it always comes back to haunt you if you run away.

[nicoleheymannweltgestalter]

Thanks Heidi for this distinction. I didn't study Psychology but have been learning about Psychology and Personal Development for years, and MBTI-videos lead me to your channel. All this information helps me understand myself and other people, but I am aware that it's all written for the Western cultural context, where open, self-aware articulation is considered a given ideal to aspire to. My question is, how could this translate to other cultural contexts? : I interact a lot with people from East Africa, who quite literally come from "shame-cultures", where the "polite" thing to do is to make assumptions and talk behind people's backs, all in order to avoid personal or community-based shame. In other words, the complete opposite of what we learn in Western Psychology! In these cultures, you avoid talking about the problem (especially if you are the victim) until it becomes so overwhelming that it kind of explodes. A community may know about each other's secrets, but not do anything about it, so people suffer in silence. But heaven forbid those secrets are exposed, then the people who did the wrong thing, and even the one who exposes things, are shamed so much that they feel they can't recover. Jealousy, rumors and "isolation while in your group", even suicide or self-harm due to perceived societal shaming are common. I am considering to go into community development work in this region of the world, so knowing how to communicate in a mature way that is also culturally appropriate is a challenge to work through. Do you have any ideas how one could enable people from such backgrounds to have a healthier approach to shame? Can parts of it be translated without being a form of forcing one culture on the other? Thanks, and greetings from Germany!

[edwardgreacen]

Thank you, Heidi. Recognizing the difference between shame and guilt is very important to me at this point in my life. I will be listening to this audio each time I struggle to find a way out of the shame/guilt net.

[arsastisatyapradyta]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:

00:00 🗣️ *Introduction to Attachment Vocabulary*
- Overview of the channel's focus on personality types, attachment styles, and self-improvement using various systems.
- Mention of the specific vocabulary distinction (shame vs. guilt) to be discussed in the video.
01:08 🔄 *Differentiating Shame and Guilt*
- Brief history of shame research, referencing Brene Brown and John Bradshaw's contributions.
- Emphasis on the importance of distinguishing between shame and guilt in psychological discussions.
- Acknowledgment of varying perspectives on the distinctions between shame and guilt.
02:18 📚 *Core Definitions of Shame and Guilt*
- Concise definitions: guilt as the feeling of making a mistake, shame as the feeling of being a mistake.
- Elaboration on guilt being tied to behavior, while shame relates to one's identity or sense of self.
- Introduction to the complexity of guilt requiring an understanding of others' perspectives.
03:41 💡 *Developmental Aspects of Shame and Guilt*
- Explanation of the earlier onset of shame in infancy and its connection to feelings of disconnection.
- Contrast with guilt, which develops later (around age 3 to 6) as a more complex emotion tied to moral consciousness.
- Insight into the impact of shame on one's perception of self and the role of caregivers in early experiences.
07:09 🧠 *Perspective: Guilt vs. Shame*
- Highlighting the shift in focus when feeling guilty (considering others' perspectives) versus feeling shame (internally consumed).
- Emphasis on the internal, all-consuming nature of shame, making it challenging to consider external perspectives.
- Addressing the common misconception of thinking one is feeling guilt when it's actually shame.
08:18 🔄 *Coping Mechanisms: Disconnecting vs. Reaching Out*
- Distinction between the drive to disconnect and isolate when experiencing shame.
- Counterpoint: Feeling the desire to reach out and make amends when experiencing guilt.
- Personal anecdote illustrating the impact of buried guilt and the importance of recognizing shame-bound emotions.
11:20 🚧 *Challenge of Shame-Bound Emotions*
- Exploration of shame-bound emotions and their tendency to obscure certain feelings.
- Importance of identifying emotions shrouded by shame to facilitate self-awareness and personal growth.
- Recognition of the role shame plays in hindering the ability to make amends and repair relationships.
13:12 🔄 *Practical Significance: Guilt as Self-Monitoring*
- Acknowledgment of guilt as a helpful self-monitoring process for understanding the impact of behavior on others.
- Contrast with shame obscuring judgment and hindering the ability to recognize and address the impact on others.
- Emphasis on the importance of distinguishing between guilt and shame in attachment healing journeys.
14:19 🛠️ *Future Tools for Managing Shame*
- Commitment to developing tools for managing shame in attachment healing.
- Invitation for audience engagement, encouraging viewers to share their own tools in the comments.
- Mention of potential follow-up videos on the topic.

Made with HARPA AI

[nobodynowhere]

My personality is ENFP, but it wasn't until after I became homeless for a year and my whole social life fell apart that I learned I had cPTSD and ADHD. As you can imagine, this combination is a shame pressure cooker. Identifying the shame was the last piece I discovered most recently. I have no friends or pets, family cut off, the social isolation and homelessness during the pandemic broke my soul. So I'm hoping that healing all of this shame will give me a fighting chance at having a normal life one day. Otherwise I may need to simply end it, life isn't worth living like this. But I'm hopeful things will be okay with this knowledge. I hope you make that 2nd video, more tools for uprooting toxic shame would be lovely. Much love

[abbey_]

thank you. you mean the world to me and you have helped me so much

[claytonia]

Thanks Heidi. Great topic. I really need to process this as I think I feel shame so often. It's a complex theme to address where grief is involved as how do you make amends then? I guess that's another topic. Anyway love your content. 😘

[KristianBssb]

hey Heidi! I'd love to see the follow-up on shame processing! hope it is going well

[t.f.f.e.d.l]

I've been feeling a lot of shame this past month around the fact that i added stress to someone I'd been dating for 3 weeks back in November (we broke contact start of December) and knew she was already dealing with a lot. After finally returning to somewhat a state of equilibrium I've had perspective and realize i behaved not ideally and dissapeared out of her life after she had wanted to be friends. I feel guilty now because i think it must have felt like i abandoned her when she wasn't doing well. I was very activated during this period due to past trauma and i didn't know it so that's why I ran away after demanding she essentially break up with me. I tried to slide back into the dms but realise now that was stupid. Time and perspective is everything. That being said she's on a healing journey herself and from what I understand her world was crumbling around her these last months and i certainly didn't help by dipping out when I did.

I guess what I'm asking is if it's appropriate for me to try to apologize to her or it's best to let things lie?
I did value the friendship we had started forming. I understand also i shouldn't have been dating and right now am in no state to do so too. So I'm more trying to repair a possible friendship not to get her to go out with me.

[SLCKaled]

My ex is anxiously attached used to say things like, "I feel like I'm an old soul. I don't want to live another life after this one I'm done. I feel too much"

Is this a tell tell sign that there is an engrained feeling of shame and that's why she can't bear another life? Or is this more that she was an INFJ?

[jonwilkinson]

Maybe we need a new lexicon in this area? Surely guilt is just a matter of fact? You did or said something counter to the norms of your tribe. Shame is the emotion you feel when you know you have been tagged for this transgression and will be or are shunned by the tribe? Perhaps we need to introduce new words to deal with the psychological nuances described?