How can you tell if an avoidant partner loves you?

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In today's video we are exploring the question...

"How can you tell if an avoidant partner loves you?"

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In love and abundance,

Briana

[mochiwaffles]

When dealing with a dismissive avoidant, you just gotta remind yourself: It is what it is, take it or leave it. lol

[BlinkyB]

"That truth is the contradiction" - that's a wonderful way of putting it! I myself am anxious, my partner is avoidant. I'm very aware of his pulling away after things have gotten "too close", but my own past experiences with partners have left me not wanting to pursue as much anymore. I suppose that's good, but it keeps me from asking the questions I should in order to find that "truth", like "can they really commit to me? Will it be any different this time?". Maybe it's because part of me knows the answer already :/ I wonder if I'll ever decide it's not enough. I ended things with my ex because he was extremely avoidant, to the point that I withdrew intensely and the emotional distance between us became so great it ended our marriage. It wasn't until later that I educated myself on all the things that went wrong. It's strange to be self-aware but still not totally ready to assert your needs. Maybe it comes from a fear of love on my end, too. You want to be patient with other people but, you can't let them dictate things all the time...Or you end up very frustrated.

[martycrow]

Recognising the contradiction is the start of the battle. It's like wanting to drink from a cup with a gaping hole in. You pour in. For a moment the level is tantalisingly up. But then it is depleted before your lips reach. The contradiction for the person involved with an Avoidant, seems to be that they know not how to hold on. For the partner, it is a long term commitment without any promise of reward. Unless, perhaps, you change the paradigm to believe that you are never thirsty and are content with pouring. The selflessness of Mother Theresa, the patience of Gandhi, the resolution of Mandela (or similar icons) required. Question to self: Is that your mission in life?

[CorporateQueen]

My avoidant loved me, didn't love me, then loved me again and then I had to finish it. I don't understand what the heck that was all about. He refused to say it. He behaved in a loving way ... but he was always conflicted.

[lovewillwinnn]

This is exactly what I’m experiencing with him. Thank you for putting into words what he is experiencing. Conflict. Contradiction. And that’s ok.

[sisista]

Please make a video for the avoidants- how to know whether one is activated or truly doesn’t love the partner anymore? How to connect to yourself as an avoidant and find out wether you are acting up by trauma or have no love feelings anymore?

[Oktaviii]

So I just had my first ever experience with a man who has avoidant style. Omg i was so confused the entire time, I had no idea what’s going on. I’ve never met a man with this attachment style before, however I had experience with a woman, my mother. I kept thinking during my relationship with him why does he remind me of my mom so much? And then one day I put 2 and 2 together: avoidance of direct honest conversation, conflicting/not knowing what they want, keeping things shallow, not opening up, disappearing from time to time. Once I realized the same pattern i realized it’s not gonna work. I grew up with a person like this and it was extremely difficult, they also are terrible parents. I could not handle a man like this, but more importantly I wouldn’t want see him use this attachment style on our kids. The problem with this people is that they only think about their feelings. I realize that their feeling are real and overwhelming however they need to learn how to take responsibility and not only focus on themselves. If you took a puppy from a shelter and then realized you are not sure it’s a right fit, you can’t just kick it out and “run away from a problem”. Yes it sucks to not be sure or feel conflicted but if you took a responsibility for a puppy, child or relationship you have to learn to put your feelings aside and take care of your responsibilities until a healthy opportunity comes up to change the situation. For example don’t leave your partner at the hardest time of their life, be responsible, wait for a bit before breaking it off, don’t act up on your feelings to run away. Same with puppy, don’t kick it out in the middle of the night! Find it a good home first. Just be responsible that’s all.

[beverlyallison]

You can feel when someone loves you. If you don’t feel it you may be right.?

[ioana]

The truth is the contradiction. So well put.

[MM-pbik]

Ok I got wrapped up in it. When you say the truth is in the discrepancy - I wish there was more examples. So for me it was lots of hours long phone conversations, vulnerability, acts of service, but lack of verbalization of feelings/affection and lack of initiative to make clear plans for time together. I was constantly confused. I didn't know which thing to believe - that he is falling for me because of the good stuff or to take the bad stuff and read the room. So much of the advice out there is "if he wanted to he would" when it comes to dating and making plans but then he was not ignoring me. He was constantly giving me time and attention just not giving me other things.

[Taryn]

So what I am hearing you say is that avoidant partners can’t love. You think you can feel how they feel, but they don’t acknowledge it. At the end you say it’s the conflict, and leans towards the dismissal. That’s not love.

[Mrtassan]

I wish this video was longer. Is there some sense that can be made out of that contradiction? What is the anxious person supposed to do?

[angelacoburn]

My husband and I recently seperated after he, in the end, decided he "didn't love me as much as he used to" and "wouldn't be devastated" if we broke up (I was feeling like I was out of love with him but wanted to get it back). He goes between the avoidant/fearful avoidant attachment style so how do I know if these are his true feelings or is his attachment style 'responsible' for this? Have I ended my marriage when I maybe shouldn't have?

[MissBophaLokei]

my avoidant keeps coming back to me for 15 years. sometimes I accept, sometimes I refuse, sometimes I'm the one going back and he accepts or refuse. I don't know where is this going. But it's clear that we both have issues

[shooka]

Thanks for the content, Briana! Could you please help me with advice on breakup with an avoidant? Do they ever come back, is it better to maintain no contact or stay friends an encourage them to open up? Is it possible that they deny their love when panic takes over? My ex seemed so emotionally connected with me and then suddenly broke into tears, clenched his fists and said he cannot offer me what I need and that his love wasn't real... So, after 2 months of no contact and a few short meetings, I am at a loss. He says he is still afraid those bad feelings will come back and never initiates contact, never calls, never writes. I find it a torture to go on like this, without being able to express my feelings for fear he might disappear again. Is there any hope for us, any way to deal with such a situation? Thanks a lot!!

[michaelle]

I’m an avoidant. I don’t know what to do. I’m conflicted all the time. It’s hard.

[cherylotinyhousecellist]

But if what they are ‘supplying’ is not what you need?

[RussellVOsah]

If i get this right, the avoidant's way of showing love is coming off as a contradiction ? You tell by how much contradiction they show ?

[lorettaallison]

I would love to see more information on avoidants and breakups. How do they feel after? Do they regret their decision? Do they come back? I know these are generalizations, but some detailed educated information would be incredibly helpful. Most of the information out there on this subject says “run”, “avoidants will only hurt you and never regret what they’ve done.” I don’t believe that’s all there is to it. My boyfriend blindsided me with a breakup on our 11 month anniversary saying he was depressed and we were too different (aka he shuts down completely and I don’t). We’d been so close and happy (with normal arguments), even planning a date to move in together. We haven’t spoken since that day and I’m trying to make sense of it all. How can someone who is such a huge part of your life, loves you, and is planning a future together turn on a dime and seemingly not look back (it’s been 1.5 months). I’m a securely attached, but this has definitely brought up some anxiousness. I’m coping in a healthy way with activities, friends, therapy, work, etc., but that doesn’t help make sense of it and take away the terrible pain.

[casperinsight]

It's not above love it's about compatibility