Intro to validation seeking (for narcissists)

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[brittdzierzond]

They brag, pretend to be a victim to receive compassion, they do favors with strings attached.

[dianasponsler]

I think everyone raised by a narcissist or two has patterns and behaviors that may look/feel like narcissism because we all carry the "flavor" of the stew in which we were steeped. I have appreciated this channel for it's helping me to see these spots in my own behavior and realizing that they probably have as much negative impact on my family. Maybe the big difference is the ability to apologize, recognize and TRY to do better? I do realize I have a LOT of inadequacy issues and have probably annoyed people with my own validation seeking since I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's great to have a place to have my experiences validated, and my responses explained in a way that makes me "normal reaction to a grossly unhealthy and toxic environment”. Learning to be OK with me has been a life-long journey. My Husband's family was invaluable in the early days of our relationship/marriage, and he's been a total blessing throughout my journey. Self-regulating is a constant struggle, and gets better with practice.

[stephanie]

I applaud anyone who thinks they may be a narc who watches these videos for help. It's like an alcoholic admitting they have a problem as the first step in recovery. Validation seeking is like an addiction in a way.

[Motivation_Rio]

Shout out to all those people feeling trapped with a narcissist. You arent alone 👍

[TheMuslimThriver]

Since codependent people and people-pleasers also crave validation I can say what really helps is not to share all of your achievements with everyone keep some things just to yourself and constantly validate yourself through affirmations and journaling. Also reward yourself often in whatever way pleases you and doesn't have to do with anyone else.

[suppa_sam]

For anyone divorcing a narc... Consider adding a social media clause to your divorce decree. My children couldn't stand my ex constantly putting them on Facebook. Now she can only POST (not just pictures) about the children when they have academic or sport accomplishments... Nothing else. So glad I got this in the decree.

[shelley]

When the supply gets pulled they don't know what to do with themselves. The pity party goes off the charts and they spiral in to the abyss. There was a time I would have allowed myself to get sucked into the abyss, but not anymore. Thanks for helping to peel back the veil, Dr. Ramani. :)

[SueP-D]

I think the gaslighting from my narc is what makes me question myself sometimes. But then, that’s exactly the goal of a narcissistic gaslighter.

[tyunkankuru]

One form of validation-seeking I experienced when I was with some narcissists is complaining and telling you that their life is full of drama, so you have to be very sorry for them. Constantly. Another form is letting you know that they are superior to somebody, so they keep belittling others without showing any empathy or compassion to them even if the people they are criticising are suffering from something or are in a difficult situation because something happened to them that was beyond their control.

[Aimeesund]

Try self-validation, practice saying nice things to yourself in the mirror, until it becomes part of your inner monologue. When you can listen to your reassuring self inside, you need less reassurance from others.
When you feel like fishing for a compliment, compliment someone else instead; a genuine compliment, not a sarcastic, one.

[ixizn]

My top things I’ve done (and continue to do) to stop unhealthy needs for validation:

— Quit social media (yep, all of it. If you truly have a destructive issue then this is my personal recommendation just based on my own experiences. I did it over a period of time, but now I literally only have this youtube account that I don’t post anything on anyway, and you will feel so much better not constantly seeing everyone and their mother’s opinion lol).
— Reflect on what area in life/what aspect about yourself you mostly use to get your validation from. For me it’s been worst with what has always been my #1 biggest hobby in life, something I’ve been told I’m naturally “gifted” at since I was a young kid, so I’m currently on a break from doing that. Maybe (hopefully) I’ll get my joy from doing it back one day, but then it’ll be 100% for my own sake and not so I can hear others tell me I’m good at something.
— Once you know your triggers, it’s all about catching them as early as possible (something that should get easier over time with practice), which will help you learn to identify your emotional needs and what to do and how to take care of yourself BEFORE reaching a point where you’re already dysregulated and maybe rage or get passive-aggressive at others or simply end up feeling numb and depressed.
— Do something creative that you don’t typically consider yourself “good” at, or maybe haven’t even tried before. Start drawing, writing, knitting, cook, bake, whatever! Something you don’t typically do, BUT you’re NOT allowed to judge the outcome of it. It’s all about having fun. If you try drawing, it’s just about drawing, not about making something perfect that you can show off to someone else etc. Allow yourself to be “bad” and a beginner at things so you can find the inner joy of it while you’re actually doing it, instead of focusing mainly on that happy rush of getting praise once you’re done.
— Practice mindfulness and gratitude. It’ll be super difficult at first, but the more you practice it, the easier and more helpful imo it will be. Gratitude especially can be tricky because when you’re defensive and/or depressed the concept can often feel invalidating or like an attack and you might want to “prove” that you have reasons for feeling the way you do. Which I totally get, but it should in no way be about denying how you’re feeling, it’s about shifting perspectives even if just for a moment, so that you might actually feel better and learn new ways to think and look at life. So if you can open yourself up to the idea I’d definitely recommend it, because at least for me, looking inwards and being thankful for everything that is already in my life is the complete opposite of looking outwards for some confirmation I’m not seeing but I’m craving.

Those are just some of my personal thoughts and strategies. There’s a lot to it, a lot of practice needed and the realization that it doesn’t mean that trying to feel more regulated and self-aware won’t make negative feelings magically go away. They’ll still be there, but if we learn to take care of them in another way, over time the feeling might just shift. :)

[pameladouglas]

I'd imagine that a wonderful form of validation would be volunteering in some kind of activity involved with nature or animals. If you volunteer to help people, you may feel hurt if you don't feel they appreciate your efforts enough. But if you're cleaning trash out of the ocean or walking dogs at the local shelter, you get the benefit of being helpful and have to validate yourself for your efforts.

In addition, being around nature and animals is just good for the soul. And that can only help anyone feel better, right?

[zyzzuschrist]

I appreciate this. I’m 99.9% sure I’m a covert narcissist. I hadn’t realized it or even knew what it was until a break up with my 8 year relationship mentioned it to me. I don’t WANT to be a narcissist
Not proud of the way I treated her
It breaks me thinking about how I treated her.
I want to make the necessary changes to make sure i can break away from this.

[homefryniles]

As a person who interacts with narcissistic people, I find that some of the two main ways that they have sought validation are as follows: complimenting me, telling me that I am special or extraordinary. Talking over me, selectively responding to only certain things I say and ignoring other things so that what I've said, whether I meant to validate them or not, serves to validate them.

[privatejen]

Individuals with narcissistic tendencies are lonely individuals. In their early years, they were abandoned and they live what they learn. Unknowingly, they continue to abandon themselves and give away their power. As children, they sought validation but it was not forthcoming. They developed a preoccupation with their unmet needs, and so every day, they live in limbo since their self-absorption leads them to follow what they believe will regulate them. It is an illusion which they tightly hold onto to survive their trauma. In my growth journey, I am choosing to live consciously and finding the courage to be vulnerable. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me the gift of accepting my own humanity. I am liking being on Team Healthy!

[ixizn]

Validation seeking has been one of my biggest issues in life. I don’t think I’m narcissistic as a whole, but that struggle in particular has always been there. I’ve realized since my teenage years when it first started becoming a big problem that something was off and not healthy about constantly needing other people’s approval to feel like a worthy person, but having toxic parents I’ve never been able to figure out how to heal it. I’ve also always been extremely terrified of becoming like my mom and taking out all my own emotions on those around me, so I don’t rage at others, but I’ve dealt with such extreme hatred for myself instead for almost my whole life. So it’s definitely still been an extremely harmful thing where in the end I’ve just withdrawn completely and isolated myself because I always end up feeling so bad and worthless no matter what I do or how hard I try.

Also I’ve always wondered why on earth I so easily become depressed any time I reach a goal or never feel satisfied about myself and my life long-term, no matter what good things happen to me... like I literally remember googling about having depression crashes after successes etc because I was so desperate for some answers and understanding since I definitely WANTED to get better so badly.

Coming to terms with all my core issues and how my narcissitic upbringing has taught me these destructive (and not only untrue but unjust) ways of looking at life and myself has helped me so much. It’s still a struggle, but now it’s okay that I struggle because I understand where it’s all coming from, what is happening and WHY it’s happening.

It was never about life being bad—not really, even at times when actual awful circumstances around me of course made some situations so much worse too—but healing has been about realizing that I’m worthy as a person because I am a human being. It’s amazing that something that sounds so incredibly simple to say can be the most difficult struggle when it comes to actually figuring out and learning how to make it into a reality. But life really can be so beautiful, even through hard times, once you learn how to see that beauty and feel that gratitude for the things in life that you already do have.

It’s still hard work for me, filled with constant bad days of feeling overwhelmed with self-hatred and just wanting to hear someone else tell me I’m okay and doing good so I can just feel better, but I don’t feel like there’s no way out of it now. It’s a bad day and I still have so many things to be grateful for. That’s where I get my validation from now. 🙂 Anyone who is looking for other ways not just to cope but to thrive and feel joy in their lives without that approval from sources outside of ourselves can get there too, I really truly believe that. It’s all about willingness to learn and having access to the information on how (+ that there even ARE other healthier ways) to do it that matters.

[dnk]

Thanks for this video Dr. Ramani. As the family scapegoat I’ve realized that I’ve spent a lifetime seeking validation outside myself. In therapy I’ve been able to look at myself and realize that I too can sometimes act out just like my narcissist father. (And some other family members) I think one of the things that is helping me is remembering that little girl that needed love and support and imagining holding her and saying “it’s ok I love you and you don’t have to prove yourself and defend yourself anymore”. It has helped me enormously as the last thing I want to do is repeat generations of family dysfunction or become a narcissist myself.
I’m so thankful to God for giving me the willingness to get therapy and examine my own patterns of dysfunction!

[djbell]

I've just binge watched all of your videos. Honestly, I have all of the attributes of a narcissist. Ive been diagnosed as type one bipolar... but I honestly just use that to get empathy from people. I'm a pure narcissist who occassionally gets really depressed. You really do understand... even if you dont show much empathy for people like me, it's nice to be understood. It's been incredibly humbling to hear someone recite my insecurities to me word for word. It really is a horrible way to live. The people around us are always exhausted and, unfortunately, sometimes that's our intention. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for how I've treated people. I feel guilt and fear more than anything but it manifests itself as malice. My narcissism is so engrained in my identity, that I've chosen to just isolate myself from people... to give them a fair chance to thrive. I have a wife, who I've hurt, but she showed me grace and helped me realize the truth about myself. Besides that, I limit my social interactions to surface level. We are very fragile people. Fear and deep insecurity drive us. We may not deserve anyone's empathy, but it actually does help. Reading these comments is such a gut punch. There are definitely a lot of people that I've hurt...

[carolinebywaters]

My narcissistic ex got validation from owning expensive things, but mostly he needed it from other women, flirting and cheating until I couldn’t take anymore. I asked him “isn’t it more validating to have a loyal partner that cares about you then flirting with woman that couldn’t care less about him?” He said “yes”, but I could tell he would never change

[amberwhitt]

I’m a hairdresser and I wanted to comment and say that you would look incredible embracing your natural gray. 💜