Red Flags, Icks, and Toxic Traits… Is Dating Doomed?

Chapters:

00:14 - Icks
01:45 My first time getting the ick
02:38 - The psychology of icks
02:51 - The evolutionary perspective
04:22 - The attachment style perspective
05:30 - The having different values perspective
06:33 - The it’s complex perspective
07:19 - What to do when you experience the ick
07:47 - You don’t have to go through it alone
09:42 - Red flags
09:44 - What’s a red flag?
10:30 - Breaking down a common red flag
11:48 - An example from my life
12:47 - Calling you out
14:05 - Have red flags gone too far?
15:15 - Gaslighting
15:17 - What is gaslighting?
15:30 - What it can look like
18:20 - Scenario example
19:26 - Not necessarily a red flag

What I use to make my videos:

What I use for my daily journaling:

Books that shaped me:



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[alittlebitofaditi]

I'm so happy to see finally someone talk about it! A lot of the times things end up getting too far on social media and nobody addresses it.

[Phoenixtwinflame]

When did we go from "cringe" to "Ick"? And, the lack of tolerance shown, especially by the younger generations is a major cringe, ick for me. People have become so openly self righteous & judgemental - thinking they are holiar than thou, it's sick. Definitely projecting their own insecurities. When you're a content person who holds a high self value and self-esteem you don't even think about or care what others do. You just feel indifferent to everyone else that isn't in your direct circle or your jam. And when you meet a person you may be interested in and they don't have the qualities you're into you don't judge them, you simply move along- knowing everyone is not going to be just like you. Thank God! We can't change others, only our reaction to them.

[CliffyH]

Please note: If you are in your late 20s/early 30s still talking about icks, the problem is you. Spoiler alert, but if you want a meaningful and long term relationship, you're gonna have to accept that your partner is gonna have some gross imperfections. We all got them. We're all human. If your ick is as shallow as them being months younger than you, not liking your favorite movie, and etc. you're never gonna find a partner. It's honestly kinda interesting that the people I know who talk about those type of shallow icks are 9 times out of 10 the ones who've never been in a healthy relationship, never been in a long term, or just haven't been in one period.

[Nabanita]

You have become a therapist for us. The way you are making us aware of situations that could give us a unwanted, stressful life, which could even leave us with mental health issues. Thank you so much for your guidance❤

[pyaephyokalayarh]

i listen to u to fall asleep every night. ur soothing and calm voice>>>

[Chrisratata]

I haven't watched this yet, and will, but I think so many icks are mainly a byproduct of online dating and people's lower attention spans in general than decades passed...

The slightest thing not perfect with someone then people convinced that someone else is right around the corner...if not frustrated with having to take part in the paradox of choice, so they choose solitude in the form of more "digital options to indulge in" if you catch my drift sadly.

[wangcheng]

Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

[ayyaa]

Sis... thank you so much for this video. I started to cry at the "Gaslighting" part because it's something that happend a lot to me with family members and also in relationships, but I never really paid attention to label what was actually happening. That was so important to me ❤❤

[luisan.]

You can explain so good! Thank you so much for this entertaining AND educational video :D

[qwoobeb]

We all have icks. It's unavoidable like blemishes on our skin or weeds in a garden

[srit]

17:00 The difference between having 2 different visions about something and gasligthing is very subtle, i would say that sometimes you cannot even make that distinction, i would say that it's gaslighting when someone negates objective provable facts

[bryanguijarro]

Your voice is very calming, and everytime I see your videos I always get relaxed.
I feel so much calm and that makes me think about my problems and how to fix them.
You deserve the best of life.
I wish you success.❤ I'm your fan Lana!

[SageYourSolace]

i love and appreciate this video!
it helped me recognize some triggers from past trauma like when you mentioned gaslighting
the fact that I know that has happened so many times to me in my childhood terrifies me.

[michaelwiebe]

Great video, Lana! May God bless You!

[natemarx]

It is awful to be in a relationship with a toxic partner. My best friend is currently in one and I am glad that I have witnessed it because it is showing me exactly what to avoid.

[Leoo]

I can help with this. Women are attracted to masculinity. The ick is basically when a woman feels unnattracted when the man does something that is the opposite of masculinity. Thats why its mostly women that feel it. For example, you felt the ick when your crush was annoying everybody, his behavior in that moment was likely born from insecurity. It sounds like he was trying to gain approval and be liked. You subconsciously noticed this. This was very childish behavior. He acted like a little boy, not a man. So you felt the "ick" in that moment, because you liked him and were hoping to see more attractive and masculine behavior, like confidence and calm and maturity. Instead, you seen him annoy everybody and not have the awareness to recognize it as if he were a child.

Also, if the man generally acts like a child or has many behaviors motivated by insecurity, this shows the opposite of confidence, and if this keeps up, the woman loses a lot of attraction, which is why she starts noticing lots of small things that bother her.

This is not evolutionary by the way. This is how we are designed. It's always been this way. Women are romantically attracted to masculinity, and men are romantically attracted to femininity. That creates the sexual polarity. When we see the opposite energy type in our partner MUCH TOO OFTEN, we tend to lose that sexual and romantic attraction for them, but that attraction can go back up if our partner gets it together again. Understanding this can really help us maintain romantic relationships.

[PrimaImperator]

Thank you for being one of the few, sane people left on the internet

[hp]

My ick is when they're not matching the energy I am giving, when I am clear that I like them, then they give me the cold shoulder. That's probably a reasonable ick.

[dragana]

Love your videos & mindset so much!!! ❤

[Dreykopff]

It's just like with criminals. The biggest ones get ignored, the most insignificant ones get all the attention.