A Narcissist's Love Bombing, Flattery, And Helpfulness

While narcissist like to portray themselves as confident and strong, deep inside they wonder: "What do I have to do to make you think highly of me?" They crave your admiration. A favorite ploy is love bombing, or showing flattery and an extra measure of helpfulness. Dr. Les Carter describes how this works, explaining that it is actually a form of projection...giving you treatment they desperately want for themselves. This positive treatment can't be sustained, and when it breaks down, watch out!

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[christopherquigley]

My former boss bought me a coat. Actually he bought me two coats. I never asked for them. Strings attached of course. When I quit he took the money he paid for the coats out of the money he owed me.

He also bought me coffee. And then asked me what my plans were after I left working for him. Everything nice he ever did had strings attached.

They give you gifts and help you because they can use it to control you.

“Remember that time I was so nice to you and bought you a winter coat? How can you accuse me of being a habitual liar? I am such a nice person”

I knew he was being manipulative though. I quit and went no contact.

You know how I got him to pay me? By telling him I knew he was too poor to pay me and saying not to worry about it. Then of course he had to pay me just to prove he wasn’t poor.

[brittanygerth]

That "white night" comment really got me as I have a drama Triangle going on over here and the narcissist is the hero in our relationship but the person he's been cheating on me with is his hero.

[THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

Awesome vid always and "food for thought", Doc C... thank you again. I guess my only bit to add is to Do nice things if the opportunity is in front of you and without expectations and just remind others to Pay it Forward when they offer to pay you back... but also gain control of your "NO" when you just really can't help today or you realize someone is mistaking ur kindness for weakness and just taking advantage and this will save you MUCH frustration or disappointment.

[nicolem]

Also I wanted to say to Dr Carter how much I appreciate all of your counselling resources. When I'm in the thick of chaos and lost in all these emotions, your common sense approach helps me unravel it all and approach it from a place of power and courage. I feel as if I'm being stood up tall and placed on level ground and able to think and choose from a place of strength rather than confusion. Your work is absolutely life changing truly, so so grateful.

[SM-otkb]

Flattery all the time, then just as he’s said it, he’ll turn on a dime and criticize me for just about anything! I know he’s looking for me to gush over his flattery but I’ve learned to take it with a grain of salt. All eyes on him…so drop whatever I might be doing because it’s certainly not as important as what he’s doing or needing at the moment! 😏 a lot of good points to think about, thanks Dr C!

[rebekahjette]

The statement, 'for you' seems to be a common ending to what my husband says after he does almost anything around the house or for the kids.

[MsPeppersmom]

He was so nice and caring. Little did I know he was expecting me to pay his way and adore him for years . He dumped me. Good riddance.

[smac]

@11:36 I died laughing! my ex actually wrote in his dating ad online (the one he used to meet women while we were living together),
“ you’ll think I’m too good to be true, and I am! :-)”.

[saratemp]

Yes my narc deffo lovebombed me at first. And then turned. However... And I have not seen this mentioned much by professionals, they do have some advantages. My narc is very involved in my life and loves giving advice. So he does give me a lot of attention and involvement. And that is kind of hard to find from a normal person. Of course he uses it to his advantage and against me when he wants to. But it is a little bit addicting to have someone give you that much attention. And that is why it's hard to leave them sometimes.

[WhiteNight]

This might be a little offbeat, but I tick all the boxes... On myself. I'm not sure what to feel, I've always felt like the relationships with people are kinda superficial and not what they are supposed to be. I've brought up the thought of being a narcissist to my therapist several times I think, but she always shut me down - "if you think about being one, you denititely aren't one". I also felt like Ive never been honest in therapy and that I made myself the victim to get sympathy and help from the therapist.

[moonlanding-]

whew...my mom is exactly this video. The other day she was looking for a certain spoon. All in a huff. I had it in my spoon container. Why you not ask me if I had it? I said I thot you gave it to me. She blew up! I handed it to her she quickly opened a drawer and threw it in and stomped off like two-year old. Then love bombs me that afternoon. Crazy sh*t.

[MichelleTaylor-bvft]

I thought he was just in a good mood & being sweet to me thn at the end of our conversation he drop the “send $ to my cash app” he jus wants to buy drugs. Im so over his mess after 20+ yrs. I hate to say it but I’m kinda glad he is in prison & lost his visits for a yr so I don’t hv to deal with him.