ISTJs and ENFPs: Are We Compatible?

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Chapters:
00:00 ENFP and ISTJ Compatibility In The Workplace
01:21 How Working With ISTJ Regulates Our Emotions
02:57 ISTJs Being Realistic
04:00 Do ISTJs Understand People?
04:40 ISTJs And Decision Making
05:23 ENFP And ISTJ Relationship Dynamic
06:00 ISTJs And Fairness
06:49 ENFPs And Fairness
08:02 Your Experience Working With ISTJs

#ENFP #ISTJ

[MBTIinRealLife]

ISTJ here. Been dating an ENFP woman for 2 years. It gets progressively worse. It can be nice when she learns and adopts the best and the weirdest of my practices like going by bicycle everywhere no matter the season or going dumpster diving with me. But it also can be really frustrating when she can't communicate clearly, for example when she wants me to meet her somewhere at whatever o'clock and she wants me to take some stuff with me, she can't just say: "be at *place* at five pm, take glue and a bottle of water with you". Not at all. Instead her mind and her words start to jump all over the place and I can't understand where and at what time she wants me to be. When I politely ask her to clarify, she gets pissed off. Or another case that frustrates me: when she's being messy while eating or whatever she's doing, (she's always messy. Her house is definition of messy house) I start to clean the mess after her, because I can't stand it in my house (probably the main reason we live separately) she starts to take offense like as if me cleaning after her is insulting her. 😢

[swansonseven]

So. My experience. I tried to morph to my ISTJ husband for a long time and found I could. But his standards and perfection and me trying to match them came to an exhausted end. So he is now learning a new way to adjust to me. My oldest kid said it’s like hippy mom all day long and drill sergeant comes home at night and gets the thing done. It can be hard on older kids because I am DEFINITELY more “friend” parent. But I also get caught up in my own creative stuff either the non ending roll of changing projects or thoughts and ideas. Kids get swept in them but I also can go inside myself and not let them in. There’s a lot going on in my own world. I think people would be shocked to know how much I consider and create and contemplate during any given half day. Lol. Husband/Dad is keeping the rules and cleaning the house and more likely to get stern and gives harder consequences. But he is also super sacrificial and servant hearted. We work pretty well. But I do think it’s very hard. I get so exhausted by his rules and energy toward them. I am certain he gets tired of the constant change of direction and vision and the never knowing if she will be open or in her own world from day to day.

[bc]

ISTJ here. I won't lie, I struggle working with ENFPs. My biggest issue isn't that they are opposite to me (actually logically we could potentially complement each other and make up for one another's shortcomings like yin and yang). The issue is when the ENFP tries to follow the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do to you. But actually when an ENFP tries to treat me how they would like to be treated, a lot of the time that's not how I want to be treated and they are accidentally rubbing me the wrong way. For example, when an ENFP manager tries to give me autonomy to the degree that they would want for themselves, I feel there is a lack of structure and involvement. When an ENFP tries to get me excited about work, I'm irritated because I see excitement as irrelevant to getting relevant requirements done. When ENFP tries to be gentle with me (including on criticism or disagreements), I feel irritated and would prefer direct communication so that there can be an open dialogue about it. In short, I need ENFPs to be aware my needs are different to theirs and things need to be pitched accordingly. I'm mindful it would be challenging though because it cuts both ways and I need to speak to ENFPs like they are ENFPs and not like they are ISTJ. And it feels uncomfortable for me because it's a tightrope to balance adapting to others while not compromising on your own needs and your own authentic self.

[swansonseven]

ENFP here married to an ISTJ for 22 years. Piqued my interest!

[Sofiarey]

The only Person my age at my new engineering job (we’re younger than everyone else) is an ISTJ. Just last week I was telling him how I fell down this combination hole (of course me, an ENFP, asked him to find out his type).

One thing that I’ve noticed is how he speaks during meetings. I tell him all the time I like to hear him talk. He speaks with clarity and zero emotion. But it’s nice, not like a robot. It’s sort of passive sounding but what he wants to say is communicated clearly.

I wish I could speak like him. It sounds professional and effective. I speak more with slang and with emotion and inflection (ugh). I hope we can grow to be a good team at work. Boss says he’s too passive, but I don’t have any problems speaking up for him when needed.

[andreasepulveda]

My ISTJ husband has been my rock for more than 30 years. Not easy but such an adventure

[karinab]

Omg! Emotional mirroring between enfp & istj so true. Terribly Explosive when the moods are negative and stress related. However When life is going good for either Enfp or istj, then its all peaches and cream. .
Takes maturity to recognize and adapt to this

[sad_doggo]

I have so much to learn about ENFP. I'm not a TJ but I am an INTP and I tend to find that my ENFP significant other warms more to my clinical/intellectual side than my emotional side. It's just as well, INTP could win a prize for their anxious, truth-seeking tendencies, and if paired with an ENFP with even an ounce of doubt or insecurity, well... gas, say hello to open flame.

[philgoddard]

Great video Dan! Love the new format, much easier to digest and understand. Also love the theming of this one, i'd love to understand more about how various types can work well together. I just hired and ISTP, but he's borderline P/J, so considering this relevant :)

Apart from their hands-on skills and experience, one of the reasons I wanted to hire them, was because of their type, and being much more of a focus on the day-to-day and general management of things, rather than the longer term vision stuff which is what i prefer. He's also very much a realist, as you mention in the video, as oppose to my idealistic tendencies, so helps to keep us planted firmly on the ground when required.

I work fairly consistently with x3 TJ's and the only negative i would suggest is perceived lack of enthusiasm. When im trying to get people excited about a concept, sometimes its like pulling teeth! I can present an idea and talk about all the possibilities, and sometimes with their 'realistic' point of view, it can feel like my dreams are being instantly killed :)

But i joke... in general, i understand how they work, and they're very much open with me about their interest in what im talking about.

As ENFPs, i think we need those types around us who can keep us grounded and appreciative of the little things. They can help us be content with what we have and slow down a little bit, while we work towards the ever unattainable :)

[zjk.studio]

The my istj husband has narcissistic traits as well and and also avoidant. Now during our divorce he just completely cut me off emotionally, literally in his worst enemy now. He looks at me with disgust tho the only thing I’ve every wanted was to love him and I’m the main caretaker of our children and my only fault is that I’m ”to intense and dreamy…” I don’t get how he can hate me so much.

[kimanistar]

Maybe it's me but I find ISTJs extremely hard to deal with...We're so caught up in not judging that we don't realise that we're the only people who actually can deal with ISTJs and not be put off by their lack of social skills...I think we as ENFPs intuitively (pun intended) seek out judgers because we know what it's something we're lacking and that's a good thing...I agree that having an ENTJ around to pull the trigger when we get to deep in our feelings is a good thing...My wife is an INFJ and if we both don't get to caught up in the xNFx thing we actually can guide each other very well...