The Negativity Bias in the Neurodiverse Marriage

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[markhutten]

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[Romans-wwbi]

That makes sense. Hubby and I have just completed 44 years of marriage this month. We are barely able to be a team, but it does happen sometimes. I really do think we are each on the lookout for the next moment of disconnect or the next moment of being disrespected. Either of us might feel unloved or unheard in that moment. I'm the neurotypical and it's up to me to work at making allowances for him. That is how this kind of marriage can still work. I have to realize daily that I'm the one who is wired to reason things out very well and it's my job to guide him and myself if he will let me. My best support system for getting companionship needs met is through my women friends. This marriage is not easy. Lowering my expectations way down is a help for me. There are moments of connection that are a delight whenever they come.

[markhutten]

The Negativity Bias:
1. We experienced ND marital stress
2. We adopted a victim mentality
3. Now we scan for bad news
4. And we find it quickly
5. Over-focus on it
6. Over-react to it
7. Turn it into a memory (emotional memory)
8. Sensitize the brain to the negativity (i.e., recognize, focus, and react to the negativity even more)
9. We begin to ignore the positive, because the negative occupies more memory space
10. Due to our negativity bias, we bring out the negative in others
11. This reinforces our “need” to scan for more bad news, and the cycle starts all over…

[lorivandiveer]

He's negative about EVERYTHING. Negativity is autopilot. I despise it because it's so draining.

[positivevibe]

WOW Mark, you nailed it. Oh my!!.
Long situation, less long. My husb is not good with $$. Got himself in a horrible financial situation. The other day he was talking about ordering something. Oh boy, I tried to keep quiet but I couldn't. It was a trigger. Today, I was like, you said you were going to order xyz but yet you low on gas. He said, when I have extra $$ I'm going to order it. I said, oh, that makes sense because I know you don't want to move backwards. He didn't like that very well. He said you think the worst of me, I said, no you think the worse of yourself. Thank goodness he was on his way out the door. I sent him a text indicating his financial decision is not easy for neither of us but we both are trying.

[Ks-dixs]

What you have to say is so important, please turn the background music down a bit. Cannot process words and music at the same time. Thank you.

[lepolhart]

You cannot ignore facts and the divorce statistics that say divorce is higher in neurodiverse marriages. Ir`s not good to always concentrate on the negative but if I was doing a parachute jump and I was told I only had a 20% chance that the parachute was going to open and an 80% it was going to fail - I wouldn`t jump. I`m a neurotypical woman and I could not marry a neurodiverse man as I couldn`t cope with all the stress and difficulties especially in misunderstanding each other in communication. A neurotypical person can read as many books about autism as they like but will never truly understand autism as they don`t have it and vice versa. It`s better for an autistic person to marry another autistic person because they can understand each other alot better. Autistic people tend to be more drawn to each other anyway. and have more relationships with each other than neurotypical people which is a good thing.

[Rwashere]

Does this also apply the reverse - ND wife with NT husband?

[meitorres]

Is that something that can be changed? I try very hard to focus on the positive and talk out the things we need to work through. That seems to help. Also pointing out when my husband is focusing on the negative too much.