The Icky Feeling When Someone is Limerent on YOU

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When someone is romantically obsessed with you, they usually will try to hide it. But make no mistake, you can feel it and if you’re not into them, it does not feel good. Limerence is the word for when a person infatuated so badly with someone who isn’t interested in them, that it becomes like an addiction – very destructive for the limerent person’s life. But it’s also harmful to the person who is the “limerent object” – that’s the word for a person someone else is limerent ON. My letter today is from a woman I’ll call Romy, and she writes:

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[jodeenwink]

Thank you Fairy. I never knew there was such a thing as limerence. I think I was guided to your work as part of my own healing process, and I want to express my gratitude that you are here doing this work, helping human beings. Bless you.

[melissawong]

I think a lot of tv series and drama are encouraging limerance. We are told that if we like somebody and wait long enough, she/he will realize our worth one day and wants to be with us. Absolute BS 😂

[Aleksandrasamusjew]

Its so destructive...having a limererence object - it was making me feel so pathetic...unlovable, ashamed of having these kind of feelings...just hoping that someone would love you back, accept you. A soul eating experience. In my case- my parents did not "see" me, or my needs. I was so unhappy at home...so yeah...this was my heroin.

[sunsetschaser]

I had been limerent almost all my life until very recently. When you said that it's common for neglected kids, it broke my heart because of how connected I felt to that statement

[isabelchamberlain]

"You get good at seeing love where there isn't any" amazing sentence to describe limerence. Thank you so much for all your enlightening videos.

[reed]

Unrequited love hurts bad, and space helps a lot.

[TalymoMakes]

It’s really dangerous when a person who is prone to limerance encounters a narcissist.

It happened to me. It was the worst 7 years of my life.

[MalaWaldron]

It's counter-intuitive - the object of limerence, in an effort to be KIND lets the "friendship" continue, but is in fact being UNKIND by giving the limerent false hope (been there, done that TOO many times!) -- I believe the "icky" feeling is the body telling you that something is off. You're trying to rationalize that because you're not romantically attracted, the nice thing to do is to continue as platonic friends. But the truth is You can't be a friend with someone who has an agenda that you are not aligned with, especially when your gut is telling you - you never will be. Great video, Crappy Childhood Fairy, excellent advice!

[dl]

Limerence is such a painful thing, never feed that hope when someone is limerent with you, that hope has to be crushed to free the person from it. Actually you are helping the limerent person to face the truth.

[emilyschultz]

I’ve had limerance on others since I was 8. This was so painful to watch.

[KA-mqwj]

There’s a longing for someone who may remind you of a deceased or neglectful parental figure growing up. You are deeply in love with this person because if you can get them to love you, you will be finally loved and accepted by your parents. When the relationship doesn’t happen you are left with such utter pain, grief and disappointment once again. It’s deeply devastating.

[laurenjackson]

I had horrible limerence with my ex. I used to say he was like my Kryptonite. I instantly became weak & like mush around him. Like the CCF said, the people that have limerence deep down KNOWS that the person doesn’t feel close to the same way, but the hope they give you is a huge drug hit that keeps you coming back for more. People who experience limerence are often trauma victims. I felt like the ounce of “love” my ex would give me was better than him taking the drug (himself) away completely. I eventually learned that he had alarming narcissistic traits. He would love bomb me, use me for sex, discard me, & ghost me on repeat. That intermittent reinforcement is enough to keep someone on their toes & heavily addicted. I pray for those that experience limerence because it’s not a fun predicament to be in.

[aurelia]

I feel like romcoms and romance books made me like this

[christopherherr]

I've been on both sides. With a lot of upkeep of self-respect & confidence, I've been able to keep mine under control and I'm proud of that. Just recently a woman liked me in this way and I kind of realized "Man, I know what that is like." Your heart's in a prison of your own making, but you gotta see somehow that you got have the keys.

[Lilghostpepper]

I was limerent for someone once and I have also been a limerent object. To be the person yearning is so painful, the end of it was indescribable for me and I look back with so much embarrassment but I think it’s important that this is spoken about because it’s dangerous for everyone involved

[KelleyBroussardMackaig]

As someone who's been on both sides of limerence - my heart goes out to both of them. Such a sad and difficult position to be in.

[jacquelynvizcarra]

"The hit for a person with limerance is hope." Exactly

[ethanmiller]

Ladies, if a guy starts interacting with you in a "I wanna date" way, you say no, and he keeps doing it, end all forms of contact immediately. He didn't listen to the first no, he isn't going to listen to any other things you say. This is the guy showing you how much he respects your word. The playing hard to get thing will backfire on you with good people who actually listen and care. Men don't react to rejection the same way women do. You don't have to worry about really hurting anyone if you are speaking the actual truth. The truth sets us free. Reject him softly first, sure, but if he doesn't get it, you have to make him. Men will keep trying, its something I've been told women like, just not in this way. Also don't explain yourself, you don't like him that's all that should matter. Giving your reasons can either help that dude for another woman maybe or make things worse for yourself, choose wisely.

[zippyzoo-zt]

In my experience, so many men think that if a woman merely talks to them, that she wants sex/a relationship. I have no idea where they get this belief from (pick-up artists?). It's a really emotionally immature perspective. You can have a very platonic chat, and this is "leading them on." I've had a few men ask me out after a few platonic chats (one through work), and when I said no, they actually said "but...we talked." So are they really saying that men and women are not allowed to talk to each other unless it ends in sex?? What a depressing and regressive perspective.

[ctygralight]

This one was very relatable, thank you to the woman who shared the story! Also just recently had to end a 10 year friendship for this exact reason. “Suffocating” is the perfect word for the constant texts, (I had even been straight forward and told him that I despise responding to those texts, and his response was “well, we all have to do things we don’t like.”).

I didn’t realize it had been 10 years. After he mentioned how long we had known each other, I knew I had to end the friendship. Tried to be as kind as possible with the final “break-up”, but he lashed out and called me “mean and nasty when emotional”, (ironically, I wasn’t emotional about it, it felt like a very reasonable decision, he was the one showing frustration each time I set a boundary. Major lack of self awareness!). Thank you for the video, this gave me some insight about why he may have lashed out (addiction hard to give up, maybe?).

As for the woman in the story, hope she’s able to break free, it does feel like a weight lifted! Hope can be cruel, and there’s no reason to risk a healthy relationship for a friendship where you’re constantly having to fight for your boundaries.