Your Anger is a Signal That Your Situation is Unbearable

***
Growing up with trauma can lead to deep confusion when you feel ANGER; even when you're being abused, you may doubt your feelings and think it's your anger that is the REAL problem. In this video, I respond to a letter from a women whose husband blames her for being negative, when the conditions of her life are intolerable.
***
🟢 *Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?*
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.

🟢 *Become a Member!*
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community

🟢 Take My Online course: *Healing Childhood PTSD*

🟢 *Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns*
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD

🟢 *Learn to Heal Dysregulation*
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp

🟢 *Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships*
Online course: Connection Bootcamp

🟢 *Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna*

🟢 *PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS*
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)

🔹 *Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:*

🔹 *NEED ONLINE THERAPY?* BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:

[mthomas]

Spot on! You said it with such consideration for her feelings, but honest enough to tell her it isn't going to work out. I hope she gets help and increases the tools in her toolbox. :Sexual abuse is not okay no matter where you are from. It's not okay to be treated in such a vile way. I hope you listen to the advice and get help. Strength comes from being afraid in the challenge and coming out on the other end of it. That's how we gain our strength.

[designchik]

My heart goes out to this poor woman; what a horrendous situation. My ex had supposedly separated from his wife before I hooked up with him, but he was nowhere near ready for another relationship. A good friend of mine used to always say, “What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife.” I’m not saying that to be judgmental in any way. I’m merely stating that I will now stay away from any man who is emotionally entangled with someone else.

[Battledrone]

I heard about a dozen red flags for abusive narcissism. Get out! And get as far away from him as possible!

[marymaryquitethecontrarian]

Repeat after me, "you don't get to treat me this way" then walk out

[freyagoodhew]

Anna I think you have given very good advice to this woman, I would just like to make two points-
1. It is very normal and appropriate that they would not be advised to do couples therapy if one person is abusive. Couples therapy just becomes another avenue for the abuser to control and manipulate their partner. This is widely recognised by couple’s therapists. Abuse is not a relationship problem, it is a problem with the abuser (however of course the partner should get their own individual therapy and support as well)
2. Abusers do not have a problem with being unable to control their anger. They are very capable of controlling it, however, they feel entitled to use it as a tool to control their partner. Otherwise they would be unable to control their anger in public etc.
I would highly recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ to deeply understand the issue of domestic violence.

[andreaanonymous]

To whomever wrote this letter, You are dealing with a whole lot of toxic people. The man you're with is terrible. I am not going to sugar coat it for you. He doesn't know what love actually is if treats you that way. His ex-wife is just as toxic. It sounds like they both might have narcissistic personality disorder. If you actually had any signs or symptoms of mental health issues, which I highly doubt, it was only because of the awful people you were dealing with. Your anger is NOT wrong and is perfectly normal when dealing with emotionally abusive people. I would NEVER talk to any of those people again. Start trusting yourself. If you wouldn't treat someone the way they are treating you, THEY are the problem. NOT YOU. Trust yourself again. Don't let people do this to you. Trust yourself with everyone in your life. Find people like you, that treat you like you would treat them. That's what you deserve. You deserve to be happy. You also need to remember that if your family treats you this way also, that my advice applies to them also. You DO NOT EVER have to remain around people that don't treat you with the love and respect that you deserve and how you would treat them. It's okay to cut out toxic family also and may be very necessary. Keep that in mind.

[auroraborealis]

Woh this is so chocking! The guy is going to her dad to talk about her intimate life? Man, this is so abusive

[allisona]

What a nightmare that kid must be going through with this situation. I imagine it's hard for her to leave him as well. Just sad. I hope she gets out of this.

[marleyofficialmedia]

"We are not responsible for other peoples feelings." Thats what I kept thinking while listening. Hope she figures it out, as it sounds very painful and disruptive to her life. ❤

[lyndseygolden]

Emotional abuse and is very hard to untangle when you got there for support only to be crushed with more grief when you get out. Do things that are fun as much as you are able so your nervous system can remember something besides the hell your working to get out of when you get enough space from the bonkers to do so. Abuse is unresolvable and that makes it hard to get pulled back in

[tahitihawaiiblue]

Unfortunately nothing looks right in this situation. And nothing in this relationship seems salvageable. One good thing is that they don’t have any kids together.

[yuk]

Gosh! This is a very very abusive relationship. Gal, please start working on getting out. Divorce is heartbreaking, I understand, but such a relationship will kill your soul, self esteem and will get really really sick. Therapy cannot change the very core of this person. What are your goals from a marriage? Home? Kids? A sense of family? A sense of community? Love? Respect? Hopes? Dreams? Can you imagine any of these with your husband? You know even the most loving people will get angry and resentful if they are abused as much as you are being abused.

[rlord]

Had a few tears hearing this. Oh my gosh girl - please be good to yourself. You deserve happiness and you know you're not going to get it there.

[ec]

I’m doing parts work IFS, loving kindness, somatic, brain spotting and Idunno what else my therapist throws in there. I just know that IFS, especially, is 100% saving me, healing me for the first time in almost 50 years of trauma, giving me felt experience in what it means to love one’s self and taking it all from hollow, mysterious concept to living experience & understanding. Anger, in my sessions, is a “part”& parts all have good intentions, there are no bad parts, no matter how they show up. In my therapy, I get to hear what anger and other have to say…I get to find out, by acknowledging, validating, inquiring and listening as to why they’re there, what they’re trying to function as, for, protect etc. And it leads me to so many places within my traumatic experiences & responses, points so directly at catalysts & then…I get to love them and honor them and ask them, “what are you afraid will happen if you don’t show up like this” or, “what would you rather be doing?” and it’s just…healing. As in actual, real, bonafide healing. It’s transforming these reactions into their best functioning selves. As if the most loving entity climbed inside your inner self and did all those things that should’ve been done instead of the traumatic events, for those wounds. And it’s you doing it. I never ever understood what self love really was or what going in first, really was until I took one small step at a time. Steps that weren’t painful, weren’t traumatic, didn’t require tons of motivation or courage…because they were really bite sized. Almost as though I was doing the bare minimum but, because these were the most effective things I could do, it didn’t matter how small I began…apply the right methods, actions, asking the right questions, listening even just for a few moments, they all produce gigantic results…and date I say FAST. Certainly as far as topical therapy has gone when healing. I didn’t think this was ever possible for me. Ever. I really hope that these and other high efficacy modalities hurry up and reach more and more people. I want to see the world of us heal so badly & if I could bottle it up and give it away, that would be my full time job, for sure. If you see this…there really is healing out there and I hope you find yours very, very soon. 🙏🏽 There are no bad parts. ♥️

[sweetb]

Before my divorce, the marriage counselor recommended we get separate counseling and she offered to be my therapist only which I took (my ex was much like hers. except no kid and he suddenly stop being intimate w/ me as soon as we said “I do”. I never got angry during the first 4 years of the emotional and verbal abuse so imagine how scared I felt when I finally snapped and more scared when I couldn’t stop it. In the end when he left me after calling me the abuser and I seen him for the abuser he was, I asked her did she know and she just gave me a sympathetic smile. I will never forget it. I understood so clearly then that she was trying to get me out of the situation the best way she knew how, she knew just telling me was not going to get through to me, she was super compassionate and patient with me. I remember when the divorce was finalized that I sat bawling on her couch saying “I realize he never wanted the marriage to succeed.” I remember feeling so irritated that they didn’t want to help us fix our marriage and refusing to see us, but I know why now.

[frankydottir]

I can relate with this situation, although my case is not so entangled. Still i called women's refuge and they helped me with legal aid, and in collaboration with the local council i got a decent house to live with my son. It was the best decision I have made, call womens Refuge and tell them what is going on.

[pinkrabbit]

He seams to be a melignant narcissist. There is no reasoning with these people, no closure, no commonsense or true communication and every day / hour / moment in his presence or in this relationship is toxic and messing with the mind of any honest, empathic, sensitive and genuine person - no matter if that person has CPTSD and needs therapy - this is wrong. I know because I have been in a similar situation for almost three years. I agree with Anna's advice and would add, from my experience to get out and away from him asap! And to give yourself all the love and support and guidance you need and you deserve. If you have reached and know Anna's work you are in a good place!

[MsPingyin]

This is classic gas lighting and you have all the right to be angry. I was in a sort of similar situation when I was married. I was very angry but had to repress my anger for a long time. I used to have dreams when I would be physically fighting with someone, although I have never actually did it in real life. Leave the toxic relationship and do everything you can to take care and love yourself! Life is too short to put up with this.

[Inugmi]

I feel for that poor woman. She’s very clearly being abused. I hope she’s able to get the help she needs. ❤

[barbarahawkins]

Sounds like “no boundaries “ IN EITHER family 😢