My Personal ROCD Story

00:00 - Intro
1:28 - Your story doesn't have to look like my story
2:29 - Why childhood years are important
3:13 - Why you don't need to have significant trauma in childhood to develop ROCD
3:39 - My Childhood
4:22 - Adult Children of Alcoholic (ACOA)
5:51 - Trauma at sixteen that started Obsessive compulsive tendencies
6:19 - What's underneath the Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies
6:47 - When I met my husband (Joel)
7:04 - Infatuation and "Honey-wood" phase
7:24 - Why it's okay to not have the infatuation stage
8:10 - ROCD starts
10:30 - Breakdown
11:49 - What love is
12:22 - That conversation that created Awaken into Love
13:30 - My fathers death
14:17 - Wanting to re-create my father and childhood
15:06 - Functioning with ROCD
15:36 - Being a social worker
15:48 - Graduating college: When ROCD got bad
17:45 - Going to therapy
18:58 - What kept me going
19:42 - Why success is up and down
20:15 - When I started getting better
20:28 - How I got better
25:10 Q&A's
25:31 - "Did you tell your friends?"
26:17 - "Did you fancy anyone else?"
27:03 - "How did you decide that your relationship was enough?"
27:49 - "How often did you feel as though you need to leave your partner and that you don't love him?"
28:02 - "Did you have trouble with intimacy?"
28:13 - Everything that's been asked I've gone through.
28:26 - "How did you make the decision to get married?"
28:49 -"Do you have anxiety aside from ROCD?"
30:19 - "What is your life like now in terms of ROCD?"
30:44 - "Did you come close to leaving your partner to escape the feelings?"
31:21 - "Did you ever experience deep pain in your heart that never seemed to go away?"
32:06 - "Favorite quote and affirmations that you turn to?"
34:21 - "Where are you now?

RESOURCES:
» WEBSITE: AWAKENINTOLOVE.COM

[jackietea]

I had severe ROCD about 18 years ago. I didn't have a major honeymoon stage like you explain.. I am more stand-offish.. but I knew this relationship was serious. (It was also my very first one). I knew he loved me a LOT (he is a vocal romantic), and i think that triggered my ROCD. I felt like I had to reciprocate that same level of love. I needed that same amount of certainty that he had for it to be Thats when I started questioning. Questioning my love for my partner. Noticing every SINGLE thing that he did. Wonderered if I was ACTUALLY attracted to him. Wondering if I would be in 50 years. Wondering if I thought he was funny. If I liked his body, was a sexually attracted to him, was he annoying? ALL DAY EVERYDAY. Love was such a grey idea and I didn't understand how to prove to myself that I loved him. I would sit around and over analyze photos of him. Compare him to other people's boyfriends or people on the streets. I became a shell of myself. I remember being with him and feeling so depressed. Almost to the point of derealization. My mom would say... "Well you don't have to be with him, there are plenty of fish in the sea" and I would say BUT I DON'T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.. I want to love him!!! She didn't get this at all. (Same for my past themes... telling her I kept thinking about suicide but I didn't want to kill myself.) It was like a mind game I was playing with myself. Well... during this time he proposed to me. Not the best time to be proposed to at all. But I said yes.... even though I was having all of these thoughts. That's what did it for me. Saying yes to his proposal, slowly took those thoughts away. I committed to him regardless of the thoughts. I gave myself more power than the thoughts. Suddenly the thoughts started going away. I truly believe this was a weird form of exposure therapy. after I committed in this way the thoughts disappeared.. there was no room for questioning anymore. We are still married and have 2 kids. It gets better... and those thoughts will go away. Have they popped up here and there randomly... sure... but they are NO WHERE NEAR where they used to be, and I can easily brush them off.

[blueyedgirl]

When I was struggling at my worst that thought 100% kept me going. “I have someone amazing and I don’t want to lose this” it cut through everything. Sometimes it was a roar and sometimes it was a whisper but it was my lifeline

[koopa]

i feel so much better knowing that ROCD is actually pretty common. my partner is so amazing, he always tells me that “WE will get through this” god I love him regardless of my brain trying to bully me into thinking that i don’t.

[bethanyprieto]

The fact that I stumbled across this is truly a blessing. I can’t believe that I’m not alone

[purplerocks]

Oh my goodness. I got chills when she said "It felt like he was behind a screen." Every time I've tried to describe what this feels like, I say, "I can see all the wonderful things he's doing, and I know how they normally affect me. But I don't feel anything. It's like he's behind a pane of glass."

[lolapinnow]

I have this. My man and I have been together for seven months and I will never meet anyone like him. He’s amazing, passionate, hard working, and extremely caring. He has his moments but at the end of the day he’s mine. He’s so unique sometimes alittle bit of an asshole to others but extremely sweet to me. It really sucks I’ve had this for a week and I’m already like please switch to another theme. He’s so understanding of cheating ocd and my rocd. He tells me I won’t ever shake him off. I always help myself by saying it may feel like this now but I know if break up with him, I’ll lose something special. Usually it attacks me by making me think I don’t want him, I want to be single, if it’s hurting me this much why don’t I just break it off etc etc. don’t listen to it! It can feel so real! You will think you are lying to yourself. The reason why it distresses you is because it’s unwanted! Thank you, I love videos like this!

[b.mig]

I feel like crying. I'm so close to complete recovery, so close. But the moments of doubt and terror feel like yesterday 😭❤️
Be brave everyone, and don't give up!

[esztertothtefy]

Does anyone feel irritation and anger towards their partner ever since ROCD kicked in, especially when your brain is filled with the doubtful thoughts?

[BenitaPrinsNotTheAuthor]

When you said you realised you'd gone a year without ROCD, I cried. Right now, it feels like I'll never break free of anxiety, and even though I've been working on it, I thought I would have to deal with it to some degree for my entire life. You've given me hope that someday I'll be able to enjoy my relationship without this weight. <3

[unimoon]

These last two days have been a disaster for me, especially when I know that I want my current partner for the rest of my life. You have changed my life these last two days. I don’t feel like I’m insane, like I had two different personalities. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I will get better, I know this. 💜

[Gpjykcj]

One thing that has really helped me every time I start feeling disconnected or I start “checking” for feelings is to repeat to myself in my head that I deserve to enjoy my relationship. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy our time together.

[pixiebug_]

I'm in tears right now. Myself and my partner are currently on a break; hes in our apartment and I'm at home with my parents. I thought we were finished because of how I felt. But this video has given me so much reassurance. My head is overwhelmed and that's okay, and I just need to get myself on track and my relationship will follow. Thank you. Thank you so much. I cant wait to go home to him❤

[gopikamaniprasad]

My Rocd and anxiety started from the first month of the relationship...I mean ..the moment I felt I wanted to be in a relationship...I had this anxiety from day one of the relationship...

[thelittlewizardcat]

I just wanted to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I clicked on this video because I wanted to hear your story ROCD. You mentioned that our stories may be different, and I prepared myself for that. However, as soon as you mentioned that your father was a good man, yet also an alcoholic throughout your childhood/adolescence, how you longed for certainty and stability in your life. And I burst into tears. I’ve never felt so validated, so understood. And... I just wanted to say, thank you. You’ve made my night. Your story is one of comfort and hope for me. 💕

[NelliBeen]

Ive been on an obsessive google search for the last 4 hours and while watching your video my partner messaged me something very sweet and i just started bawling. Thank you for this video. I feel so much less alone and feel so relieved.

[MyTorta]

With me - it's the panic of "does he not love me the same" - "does he want me" and "why don't we talk and text like before". This after being shown so much attention in the relationship. I hate this feeling.

[tea]

I'm so thankful I didn't give up, I already wrote and rewrote my break-up letter again and again, and was about to send it to my boyfriend last night, but I hesitated, I just feel that my "instinct" may not be 100% true. And I somehow found your videos, and heard the story which is so similar to mine, and so hopeful. Thank you truely

[orianetournemenne]

Hearing about your story was actually really helpfull... I started developping rocd about 3 years ago without knowing that it was that. I talked about it to my partner the moment those bizarre toughts starting spreading in my brain. He actually had so much faith in me that he stayed by my side even though i told him things that were hard to hear, such as having the urge to leave etc... just as you said in your video. I got to see a therapist who helped me discover my trauma that i didnt know was deeply rooted in me. She helped me a lot, as well as my partner who stayed by my side. At this moment of my life, i was really at my lowest, it really affected me and my relationships (with my friends and family). It took me a little bit less than a year to get back to my true self. 3 years later, i cant say that im totally healed as i get those little moments where rocd still hits me, but i know now how to get through it et still do my best to overcome it forever. It's really rare so i hope im on the right path to awaken into love! and im still with my partner so we can all do it

[morganetorriero]

I am so relieved to know I am not alone. I’ve had panic attacks, nausea, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t bear the smell of food, could not even look at my lover right in the eyes, I felt guilty for having the thoughts of not loving him anymore, felt like I wasn’t in love anymore juste because those butterflies were gone. This anxiety monster ruined my days and nights ( just as you said I also avoided movies or books with any kind of romance in it), I would get panic attacks were my body would be all shaking for at least 20 minutes, I would cry all day long, I would feel numb and empty, my lover my best friend, is the sweetest person that I know, we’ve had ups and downs but he always knew how to confort me and I can’t imagine leaving without him… your videos helped me a lot going through this hard period, at first I was so scared to go see a doctor, as I feared he would recommend me to break up with my boyfriend, but that is not something I want because when my anxiety remains quiet for a little time, I can feel the love I have for my partner deep inside me. Even if ROCD tells me to end things, makes me wonder whether I am in love or not with him, I feel it’s just a phase, love is not only about having sexual attraction or having butterflies in the stomach it is mainly about being here for the one we love and accept the better and the worst. Committing to someone is very hard and going through life even more, but it is very enjoyable to have someone to face life with. Thank you for your video💘❤️‍🩹

[vxstolxrde]

going through this so roughly right now and this video got me crying oh my god 😭😭