How to Be Charming When Talking About Yourself

It’s sometimes assumed that talking too much about ourselves is rude; and asking questions of others is polite and charming. But the distinction is not quite so simple. There are far better and worse ways of speaking about ourselves. We end up charming when we dare to reveal our vulnerabilities to others.

FURTHER READING

“Polite people have it instilled in them from an early age that they should not talk too much about themselves. A few comments aside, they should – to prove appealing – always ask the other about their lives or stick to impersonal topics found in newspapers, lest they be accused of that heinous charge: self-absorption. But this rule fails to distinguish between different ways of talking about oneself. There are, as well-mannered people sometimes forget, better and worse ways to share details of one’s life. It is not the amount that one talks that should determine the issue; only how one does so…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Andrew Foerster

[nishitdua]

it is like a *free* internet therapy session

[GenJotsu]

You have to be strong to show your weaknesses.

[valkyriav]

This is slightly misleading, as it doesn't mention the appropriate volume for these kind of conversations.

We all have that one friend/relative who is almost constantly complaining about how terrible their life is, how many awful things keep happening to them, and who counter anything we say about ourselves with a similar, but worse event happening in their life.

The constant need for sympathy that isn't reciprocated makes people be at least as, if not more, unpleasant to be around than people only sharing their success.

I agree that it is important to share struggles in order to make people empathize with you and like you, but don't make it the sole focus of your conversations with others.

[Ninjahire]

Let's start here by sharing a vulnerability: "It bothers me constantly that I'm deep into my 20s and I can't afford to move out of my parents house. I dropped out of college to pursue my dream entertainment career and am stuck in a dead end retail job." wow... That was tougher than I thought to do.

[Bepetoni]

*gasp*
The art style..
It's beautiful.

[AHK]

The animations to these videos are always interesting, coming back to the message of the video, what if a person is *constantly* talking about their vulnerability?

[SgtSmuckers]

So many comments seem to be missing the point. The solution is not to *constantly* complain or lament one's vulnerabilities, it is that your vulnerabilities (fears and one's you shouldn't talk of constantly) show that you are not the perfect prince charming. Hence, "to err is human."

Humanity's best connection is through failure, because fact is, we all fail at some point in time.

[MilenaSimsic]

After watching this video, I made a comment on an Instagram video that said: "I spend about 30 min taking pictures, 30 min editing, and then 30 minutes thinking about the description. Then I wait for the likes and comments for an hour or two while passively surfing the internet. But I don't reply to them immediately because I gotta make sure people think I have a life."
And people fucking loved it. It's probably because it showed the fact that I was slowly dying inside, but let's face it, we all are. HAHAHA.

[dailyrandomsmiles]

I really really want to believe this method is effective in talking about oneself but I always come across 2 problems.
1. The opponent always has the probability to use your vulnerability to their advantage.
This is mentioned in the video and it admits that there's always the danger of being humiliated, but we never know 'who' to trust our feelings with.
2. The opponent could interpret your honesty as 'self-pity' and want to distance themselves rather than emphasize with you.
If you become 'too' honest with your vulnerabilities the opponent might feel burdened to share your own problems and feelings of sadness or guilt, when they are already busy with their own problems.
I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Edit : I didn't know this would get this many comments, but I don't know why my wording of opponent is wrong. The reason I didn't use the word 'people I can trust' is because there is no 100% in trust. How do you know the future? How do you know your friend won't turn their back on you tomorrow? Or if someone you really hated nasty foe suddenly made some connection and become besties? (yes this is coming from personal experience) That's why I generalized it with opponent. You never know.

[mohammadi]

I'm happy that you are only doing 2 videos a week now. You could tell from the previous videos your team was being overwhelmed.

[muhammedcihathan]

This is true i made the deepst connections with people whom i talked about my problems and they also told me theirs.we listened and found solutions and the shame was gone there was nothing to hide and when we felt normal we started joke around even though i loved that conversations i love the fact that i dont need them anymore.
So: dont always create problems but when you have speak about and dont forget to listen others too

[creatorlater]

I SHOULD HAVE DISCOVERED THIS CHANNEL LONG AGO ;-;

[cyborgchimpy]

I am not sure you will read this. but just in case:

I just wanna say that all your videos have helped me a lot start a new and incredibly healthy relationship after my last one. I used to be closed of, stoic and never spoke about any of my short comings, mistakes and fears. it made my last relationship fall into a million pieces and made me realize I need to somehow change.

I now share almost anything with the one i'm with currently, and against what I have always thought it doesn't make me weak. it creates respect, true security, and a realistic expectation of what it is like to be a normal human being. in fact, I have experienced it takes great courage and strength to have the balls to be completely emotionally naked with someone you love. we support each other, and have such a deep connection. and I have to thank you at least partly for helping me change into a better person.

Thanks School of Life.

[dickiemckay]

The animation for this is amazing! Well done Andrew.


Could you do a video specifically on Free Will?

[cedfiz]

I do love the concept behind this but maybe it would be better to suggest being genuine? (I mean it would also be a drag to feel like you always have to talk about negative parts of your life in order to be "charming")

[ck-bpny]

I finally moved out of my parents house and got into the training program specialty of my dreams: Pediatrics Residency, and now that I am here, I am overworked and exhausted, struggling to keep up with expectations and work hours and feeling worse about my abilities than ever before. The silver lining is that everyday I get better and better at my job, and slowly but surely I am creating a home that I love and people I connect with to create the life of my dreams too.

[showbeaut]

This is the best YouTube channel out there. We love you School of Life.

[Riroraruro]

These lessons are so valuable to me, especially the trauma related ones. I have so much to learn, and the videos cover so many of the areas that I want to get better at. I always find that these videos have very specific and practical tips. So happy to live in a time where I can access life lessons like this, in the middle of the night in a small Swedish apartment.

[phillipadams]

just started learning to do this. I feel it's better to talk humbly about myself than to put others down constantly. it actually makes me feel better about myself and shows me things I wasn't paying attention To. This is good reassurance that I'm onto something. Thank you.

[jonathanxdoe]

I love listening people complaining about their failures, said nobody