What is Attachment Theory in Adults? Mended Light

What is Attachment Theory in Adults? Mended Light//

Have you ever wondered what is attachment theory, what is attachment theory in early childhood, or what is attachment theory in adults? Today, I will dive into what is attachment theory, what is attachment theory definition and what is attachment theory definition.

If you can define attachment theory then it will make it easier to first, understand if you might have this, but more importantly, who you can live your everyday life and still be happy and healthy, (mentally and emotionally). Emotional attachment theory explains the attachment theory which helps us understand this so much more. Click to watch now!

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#WhatisAttachmentTheoryinAdults
#Mended Light

[SeveralAnts]

I would say I've been avoidant in my past relationships, but after getting into one again after a long dry spell, I find my behavior in the current one sounds like a secure attachment. Thanks for the explanation and examples.

[amandabyrd]

I'd say I definitely started with an anxious attachment style. I fit almost every single criteria that John described for anxious attachment at some point in my young life. Recently however, I feel like I've been fostering a more secure attachment style through years of self-reflection, some help from a LCSW therapist, and a partner who makes me feel emotionally safe and validated in a way that no significant other ever has. I often blamed myself, or even other people blamed me, for my clinginess and fear of rejection and anxiety of too much space between me and my partner. I'm thankful every day for the mental healing I've been able to accomplish thus far and for my partner who is helping me find my secure base that my parents never could provide for me. Thank you for the awesome videos, people like me really appreciate the work that you do, and it makes all of our lives better for you being in them! ❤

[Artemisss]

I think I have been anxious for quite some time. I have always been securely attached to my parents I'm sure, but I have been bullied and/or socially excluded through primary and secondary school.
It took me a while to realize that, I guess because of this, I have always been afraid that the friendships and after a long time the romantic relationship that I had, were very fragile. I was always afraid that my friends or my boyfriend would stop liking me, stop loving me. After all, most people didn't like me, was what I had subconsciously learned. I felt terrible when my boyfriend was more distant in the beginning (simply because he was tired, for example) and I immediately thought the relationship would be over soon.
But now, three years in, after a lot of proof to the contrary, I finally feel that that fear is going away. I feel loved and I know that it's not weird if people do like or love me, just like anyone else. And we're still going strong! And me and my friends are too. :)

[CorbeauDigitalArts]

I'm mostly anxious but not just in my romantic relationship, friendships as well. My parents divorced when I was barely three and father never kept much contact. He paid child support without any problems and asked about my well-being time to time but didn't feel the need to form a connection. I didn't really miss him. Mom was always affectionate but she developed cancer when I was six. It was a very real possibility that she would die. She didn't, thankfully, but it remained a constant question of my childhood, "what if mom dies?". Even when she was announced cancer free, I lived my life with returning bouts of anxiety of what if mom dies. It wasn't until both me and my little brother were adults with a stable income that I could let go of (a great part of) this. So she didn't want to be inconsistent, she just had to fight for her life. I don't blame her at all. I'm happy she survived.

[CarlywithaY]

I'm absolutely anxious! My parents are supportive, loving people, but due to several medical issues in my early life, my grandma was also a constant presence. Even after I got well, she always treated me as fragile and basically tried her hardest to make me scared of the world.

Seven years and a global pandemic after her passing, I'm very clingy in my relationships, crave verbal affirmation and validation that I'm doing okay, and bend over backwards to "earn my keep", because I'm afraid of abandonment, due to not being 'useful'. It...sucks, and feels hopeless no matter how hard I try to do better.

[Ona]

I spent most of my life having an anxious attachment style. It was so severe that I think that it could have been considered a disorder.
A traumatic event in my early 40s brought up memories of horrific abuse from my father and other men. My husband didn't believe me and he was a danger to me as well. When I realized what my father had done and how indifferent and abusive my mother was, I didn't want to be with anyone anymore. Especially not a clingy husband who regularly put my life in danger and treated me like a glorified pet.
I went to a domestic violence shelter while my husband was out of town, so that he couldn't prevent me from leaving him.
I had to transfer to a shelter outside of the area so that my husband couldn't find me. I started trauma therapy and for the first time, I was completely honest about how my childhood had been and I realized that my parents never gave a crap about me or most of their other children. I wrote a letter to my mom a month after I left town. It was the only communication that I had sent to anyone from my life in that area and my mother didn't even read it. I spoke freely with some of my peers at the shelter and I talked to some of advocates about my relationship with my parents and I was able to see my parents for who they were. With out those illusions and realizing that my parents were not going to lift a finger to help me survive, I think that my attachment style has become avoidant. I have made a few friends, but it rarely occurs to me to ask for help and it is scary to do so. My father's help came a high price. He is completely narcissistic, violent and sadistic. My mother's help was almost non existent. She has munchausen by proxy and I am certain that she has sociopathy. The only way my parents were able to hide who they were, was by isolating our family completely. We were all homeschooled and we lived in the wilderness near a very small town and we were completely conditioned to hide all signs of abuse and neglect. We also had to promote our parents to anyone who we came in contact with so that they would think that my parents were great people. No matter how miserable I was, I had to pretend that I was happy when anyone outside of the immediate family was present. If I didn't, my father would tell me that I was, negative, overreactive, bazaar etc, etc and that people were saying that they didn't want to be around me, because of it. In the privacy of our own home, I had to be attentive to him at all times unless he dismissed me and I also had to avoid catching his attention so that I didn't trigger his rage. I had to offer him regular praise for things that he didn't do that I had to make up. If I walked away from him with out his permission he would become physically violent and physically dominate me thoroughly. I had shoe prints on my back if I did. I lived in fear for my life growing up. My mother was only better than him, insomuch that she was violent less often.
Those people are never going to get another chance to tear me down or hurt me.

[TheMagnay]

I'm anxious and my girl is avoident, it certainly was hard on us. I became the way i am due to my parents. my dad worked all the time and when he wasn't, he was controlling. Mum had very bad depression due to her upbringing, one minute she was kind and caring then next second big heated argument over nothing. They were both pretty absent for most of my childhood, my main source of connection was my brother. All we had was each other and so we were close. Being so different attachment styles as i said caused problems, i would try to make a romantic gesture and come on bit too strong. She would pull away. She often pushed her towards dating when she wasn't ready, she would then go cold without telling me why. I was left assuming the worse and terrified she wouldn't come back. I've settled down a little now but i still got more work to move towards secure, she's making great progress too but also need more work. We're taking it slow while we work on our problems before dating.

[brittanywilcox]

I have an anxious attachment style, however, through lots of therapy I've developed a secure style. It's possible!

[TheLuckyPurse]

Is it possible that you could have different attachment styles toward different people? I am a full blown avoidant toward my parents, but at the same time quite overbearing toward my friends😅

[elysetodd]

Growing up in a big family with a widowed single mother with big health issues, resulting in emotional neglect - I can identify with all of the insecure attachment styles. I grew up under her eye only when she had some criticizum for my weight and health, and only then. I don't recall hearing a nice word from her except when I made her life easier by cleaning, cooking, or genurally "earning my keep". Learning that being the "helpful one" was the only way I was given affirmation or love.

I learned quickly to self soothe and to relay on only myself. Which in hindsight is why I feel I have such a hard time with addictive behaviors, and over-regulating with food - resulting in weight issues. My self-worth has always been close to zero. But I also remember being much younger and being treated as "too clingy and emotional" growing up. Those bids for love and attention being dismissed since my mother didn't have time to help me manage and regulate emotions as a single mother to 6 young kids.

I struggle now that she has passed away, and only now coming to terms with the ramifications of what I had to do to survive/cope as a kid. Particularly now that I can't confront or work on fixing that with her since she's gone now. I crave validation for my feelings from someone who couldn't give me that when she was alive, and now can't give me that now that she's gone.

[gigissketches]

Definitely more of the anxious type and a little bit avoidant. More so has to do with attachment issues very early on in childhood and never forming lasting relationships with peers. Trying to build meaningful friendships or bonds with people has been difficult, and I often end up in situations where the other party plays games or has commitment problems. I usually end up thinking that it has to do with me and breaking that pattern of thinking is not easy. It would be nice to feel secure in a friendship/relationship without feeling like the other person might ditch me down the road.

[tahninikitins]

Based on these descriptions (which for me have been more clarifying than others I've seen, thank you!) I think I've been primarily avoidant my whole life, though recently becoming disorganized after a series of traumas. I feel confident my partner is anxious (though waiting to hear their thoughts) so that's been a trip, and WAS a trip hearing you describe one of our recurring conflicts to a T 😅

[ciattathompson]

Was definitely anxious most of my life. The past two years I've been seeing a more secure attachment after many years of therapy, prayer, coaching, and choosing way better women. My anxiety still comes up but I make sure I take responsibility for my feelings and share when I can explain to my partner from a place of accountability.

[Zeithri]

Anxious in my Teenage Life and into Adult Life.
I've always craved closeness and love but I was denied it time and time again. When I got my first partner, I was so happy that I was super needy, and my partner took advantage of that by making me on purpose jealous by flirting and telling stories about a person before me. Though that whole relationship only lasted about two months, it emotionally devastated me for years and made me hate everyone and everything.

Even in adult life, at the start of my relationship it wasn't good. A sort of anxious style, and even a bit disorganized when afraid.
But now, in that same relationship, I feel very Secure and let go of a lot of jealous feelings that used to haunt me. My mum gave me a tip that struck very deeply, that people are jealous and suspicious of others are often times the ones that are more likely to do what they accuse others of. I found it rather impactful. So, I let go of all such worries. I suppose it also helps with some other personal issues that's killed a lot of care for life but yeah.

[gracesimbeck]

I used to be anxiously attached. I think now I’ve morphed into being avoidant and disorganized in my attachment but probably more avoidant. My husband is securely attached. It makes for an interesting combination because I have a tendency to hold my distance even though I’m closer emotionally with him than anyone else. I had this weird realization the other day that he loves me and wants my attention and it had just never occurred to me that someone else might want me around or want my time and attention.

[gendor]

I used to be very avoidant in the past, but may have gotten more anxious. I became avoidant with my parents being very distant and I never felt I could trust them, and lost all self-respect for myself.
But with people I now need them to validate me, and I feel like "A mirror in an empty room without people, nobody to give me value, and nobody to shape who I am compared to them".
I often hope my partner (Or sometimes close friends even) can be trusted, but I put them too high and they can't live up to that, which I think makes me angry with them. I sometimes try to fix all their problems, ignoring my own, so that they will feel good and have more energy and good feelings for me. Sometimes helping with chores, it's okay, others, it goes too far. It's very co-dependant of me.
But I think that when I meet someone else who is too clingy, or has the same anxious style, I may become more avoidant, seeing only the physical/sexual need and not the emotional. I know it isn't fair to the other person, but sometimes you will warm yourself by a fire and do anything to not freeze in the cold. I do also get very distant in relationships when it comes to confrontations and arguments. I shrink down into an impenetrable rock until I explode. This terrifies me, it has not happened much, and I never hit someone, but I get furious, and I since I don't think when confronted, I lose some control.
But I always go back to needy, I never end a relationship, even if sometimes I do look for validation from others, which has been called cheating by one ex.
I am not sure how to work on this however.

[morganfern]

After years of dramatic relationships with unhealthy attachments on 1 side or the other, or both, I decided to take some time to be single and work on myself. This has overall been a really good thing. I'm independent & pretty confident, but I haven't dated in about 10 years, and to be honest the thought of being as vulnerable as a committed relationship requires is just terrifying

[veefrain]

Mostly anxious, but with an (un)healthy dose of chaotic.

I am scared to let people close because it hurts....but i want it. I want that closeness and security.
Sometimes it does take up too much of my time and focus, thats true.
But i am on my way to improving my selfesteem and habbits...

[lizzywagstaff]

I am definitely avoidant. I want to have close attachments, but I feel like I can't let anyone in and trust them. I feel like anyone who likes me will come to their senses and leave me. This probably comes from childhood when I lost one of my parents and the other was detached. I've also become a perfectionist to earn the love of my father and avoid him being angry at me. Could you make a video on how to overcome insecure attachments in order to build healthy relationships?

[lingodelfo]

I'm only in my second relationship (1st lasted 6 years, this one only 3 months so far). I can't quite decide whether I'm secure or anxious. First time my feelings were reciprocated when I was 20, after a lot of hard work to make that happen. Before that my crushes laughed at me and my "friends" kept telling me I'm not worth of a romantic relationship unless I change completely. Eventually I broke up with those "friends". I think I have developed a good sense of people since then, so I don't actually worry about losing my partner, but every so often the words from my past still echoe (especially after the first breakup, when my mum said I shouldn't be in a relationship, since I don't want to have kids). Those self-worthlessness moments come about 1-2 times a week, but I don't show it to my partner, because I know it's not real