Key Signs That You’re ADDICTED To Your Toxic Family of Origin

Uncover the key signs of addiction to your dysfunctional family of origin. Recognizing and acknowledging this addiction is crucial for your healing journey.

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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.

****DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.****

[jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇

[kimberlymccracken]

Jerry, I had to cut off entirely in order to begin healing and do the inner work. It has taken that for me to begin self-differentiation.

[karenkasteler]

GREAT is dysfunction the getting healthy is such a

[zsuzsuspetals]

This is so correct. You really have to do the internal work coming from dysfunctional narcissistic families. You can't just move away or stop talking to them or you are the equivalent of a dry drunk. The first step for me was actually admitting how messed up my family was. It was so much easier to blame myself. Everyone around me could see how my family was but I didn't.
Saying we are addicted is an interesting word. But I can definitely see how true that is. We get so used to the pain that we keep coming back for more. And if we remove our families from our lives, then we just recreate the family pain in a new relationship. A person has to do the work through therapy to get mentally healthy.
thank you Jerry for another great video!

[jessicaabbott]

Addiction runs in my family, and I myself struggled with alcohol. I never thought about my own family being like an “addiction”, and this comparison makes perfect sense. My association with them really was like an addiction.

[sorenable]

Mr. Jerry, this was SO incredibly helpful to me. Opened my eyes all the way to what I’ve been dealing with for years. I’m going to work on self-differentiation and developing my own sense of self apart from my family of origin. I have to! It’s time. Thank you so much.

[adrianadelassereed]

Great video, Jerry!!! Very revealing analysis, especially for toxic relations within the family. Thank you very much!!!

[kareemmohammed]

resonate, much appreciated as always Jerry.

[stacyeriksson]

Wow reality check! If I could love this twice I would <3

[sockpuppet]

Making a Venn diagram helped me clarify differentiation with other people.

[domainmailbox]

This is excellent Jerry. Glad to see you are looking healthier today. 😉🥰

[naturelover]

No but these videos keep coming up every morning and it's kind of depressing I think I'm going to have to check out

[carladossantos]

The last part was KEY for me. Than you so much 🙏❤️

Last year, my family or origin ostracized me in response to me sharing my voice on social media about Sexuality as it relates to Christianity, my religion of origin. It has been really intense journey since then and do relate with everything you are sharing. My issue currently is dealing with the sadness of missing my family of origin in the void of them no longer being in my life. At times emotionally I feel numb and scared of intimacy/trusting others. It now shows up in my romantic relationship and desiring more support. Thank you for this video as it really resonates on every level.

[daydreamer]

Hello Jerry. Am I right that this was originally filmed a few years ago?

[Ben-twlf]

I've been noticing lately that maybe I have or have had "Stockholm Syndrome"...I'm 62 years old and I am watching my family of origin break apart like the Greenland Ice Sheet. It is soo hard to mourn the loss of living family members. No one wants to talk about the narcissistic abuse. Is there any situation where it is "normal" for an adult sibling to say this to you in conversation: "Well, you will die a horrible death!"? That's what I got for being "vulnerable". I just can't be in the presence of someone who has put me into a panic attack through simple dialogue on two different occasions. I was 8 years old when I received my first dose of this, by the time I was eighteen I found myself enrolling others in my own inherent inadequacy. Oh, the gaslighting fog...fortunately I saw the light and moved away to get out of the gravitational pull of my family culture. For 15 years I "gray rocked" with my sister but as my parents aged out I became more involved with her. I just wish that she could understand that just because it comes out of her mouth it doesn't make it any less toxic. Because I am unwilling to have my life be an endless emotional and psychological endurance test administered at will by this "loved one" I have been ostracized and villainized through separation and silence. I am not sure that my yearning to have family connection is an addiction.

[donbueller]

Hi Jerry -

I would like to ask you to clarify something for me, since it's a subject that comes up often your videos. You often say, and I think Bowen would generally agree - and I am paraphrasing, don't mean to put words in your mouth - that 'separating from your family of origin, or going no contact, will not solve the problem, is not in itself differentiation/individuation, and in fact, it could actually be said to be a sign of the addiction.'

But I think you phrase it in an incomplete way that may imply something you don't mean, because it's not stated in a fully logical way that 'covers all code paths.'

I would argue that in cases of abusive family systems such as Narcissistic, especially where scapegoating is involved, and especially if you are or were the scapegoat, No Contact or Complete Separation may well be a NECESSARY (but not SUFFICIENT) action for 'recovery' if we are to use the addiction vernacular.

it may NOT be 'running from your problems' or 'a sign of enmeshment' -> rather in many cases it should be encouraged, and people who do it should get a pat on the back for the courage it takes to do it and keep it. Is NO WALK IN THE PARK emotionally.

Sometimes what I hear in your videos, and I don't think you mean it, is that 'if you have separated, you have taken the WRONG path. Go back and learn to individuate and be semi-comfortable around them'

I THINK what you mean is 'maybe or maybe not separation is necessary for a time or forever, based on the nature and extent of the abuse and zero-to-little-to-lip-service sign of change or self awareness form the family of origin, however, in itself, it is not the cure. But it is not a WRONG choice, may well be the RIGHT, and frankly in many cases is the ONLY choice for well being.'

With alcohol for example, for the true alcoholic, you BETTER separate from the booze (abstain), but that is not SUFFICIENT to recover, to not be a dry drunk. That is NOT to say that 'Abstaining is wrong, because it demonstrates enmeshment with alcohol, a lack of individuation from alcohol.'

I am NOT saying that YOU are saying separating from your family is wrong. I AM saying that I believe you don't make it clear that you are NOT saying that.

I have heard various philosophies that say 'until you have mastered the ability of being relatively comfortable around your family, you are still in a dysfunctional mode, and you must travel that road before you will have freedom.'

i say BS, that's ego.

I can tell you that what kept me drinking for a long time was telling myself that 'I must master this!' ... until I realized it might kill me before I mastered it, so I should just be humble and admit defeat. THEN I QUIT an THEN I was able to do the self-work to 'recover', and I should NEVER go back to it to try to 'master it' because it could have devastating consequences.

I say ... in many cases the alcohol analogy is true of family of origin in THAT REGARD TOO. That is, it was abusive throughout your childhood as your nervous system was wiring itself ... their figures, faces, voices, ways of being, your hypervigilance around them ...are PHYSICALLY WIRED INTO YOUR BRAIN AND NERVOUS SYSTEM in a way that can't be changed, and probably SHOULDN'T be changed, that trigger memories, emotions, just like maybe if you were in Vietnam there is simply no reason to 'master feeling at peace sleeping in rice paddies' or if you were in Iraq and have PTSD, there is no good reason why 15 years later learning to drive a convoy truck through desert roads strewn with IEDs with comfort is now necessary to your recovery.

Can you confirm that you are NOT saying 'No Contact' is the wrong path, and that you are just saying 'It's perhaps overly prescribed right now, but of course there are situations, the individual must determine it for himself or herself, where indeed complete separation IS WISE, but should not be confused with the likely need to do further work after that.'

If you agree, I would just like to say that for me, an intelligent mostly healthy mostly 'recovered' person from both a narc family and booze, it has been difficult to be sure what you are really trying to express.

Such a clarification may be very important to some people who, like me, respect your viewpoint in general but aren't quite sure what you are fully saying regarding separating or going no contact with family of origin.

Or of course possibly I'm the only one who doesn't hear you saying it clearly. Or of course you may simply disagree with me.

Thanks, and also thanks for your very helpful videos.

[yuk]

Thank you Jerry. So, how does one overcome this addiction...?

[renus]

You also look for validation, approval from family of origin. When you get their approval, you are elated. Otherwise, you feel miserable.

[chocolate-eqjn]

Jerry, what if we go "No Contact", then we are addicted to our family of origin? That's what it sounds like to me.