The tolerator narcissistic relationship

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[IndigoCosmic]

The more you tolerate the more you lose yourself.

[laurad]

Sometimes the relationship with the narc is more of a slow burn, like the frogs in a pot of water on the burner. You don't realize you are being "boiled alive" until they have taken everything, your self esteem, your dignity, all their attempts to destroy your boundaries, family and social life, all the space that they consume in your head, and you barely have anything left to even think or plan out how to escape. I didn't realize how all-consuming it was until I finally ended it, and suddenly the absolute silence in my head made me realize how much of my life he had taken over and stolen from me.

[lockstar]

I swear these people operate on the level of school age children, mixed with a diabolical and sophisticated adult understanding of the world. Not only is it "accuse others of exactly what you're doing" they KNOW you're just putting up with them. So what do they do? How many people's cycle of hopelessness became full circle when YOU were treated like the one being tolerated? So wonderful 🥴

[Aikoerin]

I tolerated my sister for years…..I walked away from her and ALL (4) people who enable her. I was a target for years. I finally had enough… of course the 4 enablers blame me for being “jealous”🙄 bitter, shallow, you name it I’ve been called it. Walking away was the best decision I have ever made. My sister is a evil person and I will never understand why these 4 people don’t…

[aprilwilcox]

I have become a tolerater, until yesterday... I need to let the chips fall where they may as I have become a shell of a human being as the situation gets worse and worse.... I wanted to say that I don't know where I got the strength but I know where it comes from... it's from the things I've learned from the Dr. Ramani videos and things I'm seeing get worse... I called a lawyer today and have an appointment tomorrow morning... please pray me

[patpaiz]

This was the relationship my mom had with my dad. She tried everything she could for years, than the last 10 years of her life she was just resigned to it. She lost her laughter and her sense of humor. She got cynical and just sat there in her situation hoping he would die, or she would. Through the years, once I became an adult I begged her to leave him. Begged her to come live with me. And she had friends that begged her too. She never did leave, she said she couldn't. It was extremely sad. Once she died I went NC with my father. I have stayed too long in bad relationships myself, but I do have a limit and when I walk away it is for good.

[us]

I feel validated watching these videos. How on earth would thousands of people felt the same abuse and saw no escape until they learned about NPD just boils my blood. I thought the tolerance i had was good for the narcissist but it was only a way of getting supply and i still feel bad for my young self, i thought i was being a good person to someone with trouble but i was only getting used/abused for supply.

[amiblack]

Something I heard a long time ago and never forgot: You TEACH people how to treat you based on what you TOLERATE from them. Sometimes we can be complicit in our own unhappiness simply because our tolerance to some people's behavior implies permission for them to continuing behaving poorly. Think about it and you'll find it's actually true. Stop tolerating abuse and the abuser will do one of 3 things: if they're capable of introspection then they'll change, if not they'll initiate the breakup of the relationship, or they'll continue behaving badly just to test you in order to determine whether you're really serious/whether they can continue to use/abuse you. I wish you all well :)

[lulumoon]

Disability, aging or chronic or serious illness, especially combined with increasing medical/financial needs or lack of other options can reinforce a Toleration Situation. Get out sooner when possible!

[carolinesc]

My son has been in a relationship like this for quite a few years now. He finally blocked them on his phone. I'm hoping he will stick to it. He knows this person is a narcissist & will never change; the cycle keeps going & going. He's mentally exhausted.

[carolynjaynes]

I'm done tolerating bread crumbs from my family. Thankfully, I have friends with empathy who are validating and supportive. Seeing the contrast between the two really showed me how bad it was.

[Buster-imso]

This describes me, along side the "50's" housewives. Just this past week I consciously acknowledged the loss of myself inside this one sided marriage. 35 years. I'm beginning to eat well, sleep well, exercise, and plan my exit strategy. It's taking tons of energy to reach escape velocity.

[jl]

Once I learned about NPD, my tolerance completely vanished.Anytime I go to see my family, I think, What is the point.I'm here because I'm trying to bond, And they only care about supply.What a waste of my fricken time.

[heavenlygrandma]

I tolerated a lot that I didn't realize I was just tolerating. Now, I am only tolerating until I get the money to leave.

[lketoplay]

I tolerated my ex-husand for 28 years. My "refuge" should have been my parents, but they didn't want to hear it, so I stopped talking. I didn't feel like I had anywhere to go. As soon as my youngest graduated from high school, I finally left. Been divorced just over a year, and in spite of all the emotional crap that came out (which I was NOT expecting!), this last year has been wonderful. I don't know what happens from here, but I am FREE. Now I have to try to stop blaming myself for all the time I wasted, and won't be getting back. I'm 55, and just starting a new life!

[beatricepelleriaux]

I'm 58years and just recently understood I was raised by a narcistic mother...I still tolerate her and now I try to hide my other life, friendships, joyful moments, feelings...from her. I can feel so sad sometimes and it feels like I missed my life . On the other hand knowing this has liberated me and I intend to make the best of it for coming years...Listening to this videos helps me a lot. Thank you.

[DaughterOfGod]

I was listening to the song by Whitney Houston-The Greatest Love. And she says “I never found anyone to fulfil my needs. A lonely place to be and so I learned to depend on me.”
And realised I have spent my entire life just tolerating and accepting whatever crumbs are given to me even though it’s never gets me my basic needs met.

And at this point in life, I just want to be alone. No matter what I do, I was end up in abusive, unfulfilling relationships. That turns out to only be a waste of my time and vitality. Giving my all to people that really only feel neutral or lukewarm about me.
This has brought me to a crossroads in life where I feel Ike giving up. My parents raised me to be in fear by never protecting me. No self-esteem and barely a voice (super soft spoken).

[PassionateFlower]

I thought I was supposed to find a significant other to submit to, be feminine enough for, be understanding enough for. And in return he would be my protector and provider. I thought that was the only way to find love. And that it was okay if he was mean to me and called me names and screamed at me because he actually "loves" me enough to tell me "the truth". I thought this was "romance".

But now I see myself as my own protector and my own provider. That I don't need a significant other to "protect" me from the world in order for me to feel I am worthy of being kept safe. I am worthy of safety with or without a partner who finally deems me "protectable" in return for being "what a woman should be".

I can hear "the hard truths" from true friends who give truth without abuse. I can now differentiate between constructive un-sugar coated feedback versus destructive gaslighting and manipulation.

I am setting up my life to not be dependent on anyone except myself for security and stability. I am able to be my own rock and my own anchor in the storm. I thought my "real life" starts when I finally meet "the one" and all the other years are "preparing for him". No. I'm living every day of my real life now, for me. I'm not preparing my life to be finally hopefully good enough for a significant other. I'm setting up my life so that I can be independent and self reliant and capable of getting through situations without caving to an abuser in exchange for some help and sympathy attached to sinister strings.

I'm planning out my life now where I could potentially remain single and I could still make it in life with emotional wellness, physical wellness, and financial wellness without having to fall back on narcissistic family or a narcissistic partner and get sucked back into the dis-empowering cycle once more.

I'm still open to including a significant other into my life somewhere down the road but I'm trying to set my life up now so that I'm never desperate enough ever again to ignore the red flags out of neediness or feeling scared and needing protection from someone I feel is stronger and more intelligent than me.

I may not be the smartest or strongest or most resourceful or most courageous or the most capable person but I would rather rely on myself and do my best than accept abuse in return for a particular set of characteristics in a partner that I feel I'm lacking and need a partner who compensates all my "weaknesses" in order to "survive".

[HatRatt]

Now I have the word that describes the situation of most women in my family!

I thought I was being "the good wife" or the "helpmate." His mother was "the good wife", and my mother was "the good wife" as well as my aunts. There was never a divorce in his lineage nor in mine. I just could not break these family rules unless the "devil got me." I tolerated it for 31 years then finally the "devil got me" and now I am free! To others, I say, be free. It's no sin. It is your life for the rest of your life.

[inchtailproduction]

I tolerated several toxic friendships because I didn't realize the various strains of narcissists I was dealing with. I began watching these videos and realized I needed to set boundaries. None of them liked even the smallest change and they haven't spoken to me in over a year. Thank you.