Narcissistic Family: The Hidden Trauma of the Parentified Child

Jerry Wise, MA, MS is a relationship expert, self-specialist, life coach. He as been helping people for 37 yearsa. He was a marriage and family therapist, pastoral counselor, pastor, speaker, and trainer.

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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.

****DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.****

[jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇

[ForeverAutumn]

I was my mothers emotional crutch. I parented her emotionally. I now see that as very toxic and dysfunctional. My mother still is very low functional, but I have detached myself emotionally, so that I can preserve my peace and joy. I am not responsible for her happiness, I know that now.

[bubbashuman]

My family treated me like an adult/spouse/parent when I was little. And now that I’m an adult, they treat me like I’m 10 🤦🏼‍♀️ and I’m almost 30. It’s so frustrating, I feel like it’s a control thing but I’m not sure

[petparadise]

I think being a parentified child is why I have a boatload of mental heal issues as an adult

[pavla]

As the eldest daughter my parents acted as if I was born into the family servant role . Constant scapegoating and raging anger b/c I never did anything right I was still expected to try my hardest to please them, I knew by age 10 that I couldn't do ANYTHING right and I think depression probably started then . I was supposed to feel responsible for, physically and financially for younger siblings . This followed long into adulthood as at age 30 both parents told me that I should feel guilty about having a house when my younger unmarried brother didn't have one . The projecting and dysfunctional behaviour never ended - until I went NO CONTACT .

[BadbearXIII]

This is the first time that I actually felt deeply understood, outside out of my own understanding about myself. You really do live up to your last name Jerry! And Im so glad that I found your channel!

[carolnahigian]

Since age 3- I was Mother's " little Doctor"( her Words)!What a burden:: WARPED family (ug)!

[TXsungirl]

I grew up hearing my parents say all my life that they couldn't wait for me and my brother to move out when we were little kids. My feelings were ignored big time. I was told to shut up all the time. I thought as I grew up that's the way its supposed to be but after narcs taking over my life..I found out I was raised wrong.

[christinerobertson]

In 5th grade, I went home to my locked apartment- I was an only child-no father- Mother was in there with co-workers. (otherwise, they were having a party) I went to teenage neighbor's house for comfort because I was crying- she gave me a snack. I later asked mother why she locked the door and she said, "marijuana was in there, so you couldn't go in." That was just one story. It is still going on today. She gave me her difficult, spoiled dog that I feel obligated to take care of. I just called her and said she need to take her dog back- that I couldn't manage him. I'm learning, Jerry, Thank You! It's never too late to become healthy.

[MrPausenbrot]

25 and finally waking up to this. Thank you so much.

[tiffanycolson]

I had a teenage parent. I was treated as an equal and used as an emotional sponge. Once I questioned anything then i was called a child and told to act my age. It was very confusing. I could go on but its too much.

[MarieBrown-kp]

My advise
Turn up for yourself. Care for YOU. Embrace the anger, process it and see the reason why. See your parents for who they are. Take care of you, take care of you - I can not say that enough. Say No. do Less. Let them be disappointed. Let them be upset. They are already always upset. Do for your first and then them. Go through the pain. It is worth it. Find yourself. Do new things. Meet new people just be wise and know your boundaries and LIVE and LIVE. You are someone deserving of love regardless of the damage done❤❤❤

[barbaragriswold]

It isn’t always about divorce. I had “the normal child” scenario at home. Two older handicapped siblings. I was told at 9 that it would be up to me to have the grandchildren or to do this or that because my siblings won’t be able to. I had to support my mother emotionally. Told, she could not talk to anyone else. I could not talk about any of my needs even if they were basic simple teenage things. Even now, I get “you think you have it bad” which means I can’t be unhappy. And indeed I was told on occasion that “I need you to be happy”. I couldn’t cry. Mom didn’t get the life she dreamed of, and she wanted me to have her dreams, regardless of if those were mine. She couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be like the girl down the street and like pink and then the next week she would say of that girl turned out to be on drugs, I am so glad you aren’t like that. I became where even now when someone says you are pretty, I am waiting for the contradiction. I was a disappointment for things I couldn’t change, which when I was young I blamed myself for...my hair wasn’t red and curly. Now that I am older I understand what happened. But not every “baby” of the family was spoiled. It was a mission impossible

[avonleamontague]

Not gonna lie, I'm tearing up out of relief and the disappointING realization of how much some of these things effect us 'til this day, and the price we pay. We pay because of someone else, and now it is our responsibility to work through that ourselves when we shouldn't have to to begin with. Ironic, huh?

We owe ourselves an apology and so do our families.

[joanditlevsen]

As a parentified child.. my mother will use “suicide” as my guilt..

meaning.. “if you dont save me.. i’ll just die..”..
So her choice of abuse, is my love to her.. “You will never forgive yourself if you let me die..”
Sadly enough, this is not a empty threat.. her life is literally in my hands, if i dont take care of her..

eating a handfull of pills.. then calling me.. knowing that i will go from 0-100 in a sec..

Its been a close cut a couple of times, with ambulance and cpr..

so if i dont drop everything and run to her, i know it might be to late..

And Its such a cruel manipulation, that i just dont know how to stop her..

[stormaurora]

I have never heard of this until watching your video. It slapped me in the face as this perfectly describes me. I never knew why I felt to blame for everything but also felt a victim of everything, it is awful. Thank you so much.

[rubycubez]

This was my mom's parenting style growing up. I have a younger sister she always made me responsible for even though I have 2 older brothers. Fast forward, I'm 40. My sister is 35. I live a state away. My sister, niece and nephew live with my mom. My mom and sister have the most toxic relationship. I rarely visit. Parentifying children just makes them distant and bitter in adulthood.

[jooneemoon]

I am in floods of tears as I listen to this. It is the story of my experience with my mother and my father. But I am so grateful to hear it told and to be forgiven. I am learning not to take responsibility for how others feel and I see the value of being selfish and not self-centred.

[olilumgbalu]

There was actually a story of a 9 y.o. girl driving her drunk father home from the bar about 10 to 12 years ago or so.

[tattedupelizabeth]

No one talks about the oldest child’s role. Especially if that child is a daughter. I often think, is my whole purpose in life? to deal with my parents and their F’ed up marriage, or their “traumas”. Is this it? This is my whole life? I’m at the point, where I blow up at my parents, when evolving me in their crap. Btw, it’s a daily occurrence. But I have have only blown up a few times. I’m literally at my Witts end. I’m made to feel like my mom is going to go back into suicidal depression, if I do anything for myself. Even dating, I’m made to feel guilty, due to my dad being a crappy husband. I’m 34, I’ve never had a romantic relationship that last longer than 3 months. I have no kids and no friends. I love my mom so much, I love my father so much. But, I’m angry that I have made so many sacrifices all for them to still be so unhappy. It makes me angry. While brothers are thriving, happily married with kids. Yet I’m the one stuck dealing with my parents. They give my brothers their very best selves, I get the bs. Im mad and jealous my brothers left me behind to deal with my parents crappy marriage and finances issues. I had dreams, I had wants. Why me