Manipulation: How to Spot and Stop It

Dealing with someone who twists situations to their advantage can be tough, especially if they have underlying emotional or personality struggles. Their behavior can be subtle and leave you doubting your reality. To stay grounded and protect your peace, start by setting clear boundaries and standing by them. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame, which helps keep communication non-confrontational. Stay calm and neutral, even if they try to provoke an emotional response. Recognize tactics like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim, and respond by acknowledging their feelings without accepting manipulative behavior. Seek support from a therapist for guidance and coping strategies if the behavior persists. When necessary, limit contact to safeguard your mental health. Remember that manipulative actions often reflect the other person’s unresolved issues, so don’t take it personally. Prioritize self-care, and focus on what keeps you feeling balanced and in control.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

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00:00 Introduction
03:47 Use “I” Statements
05:03 Stay Calm & Neutral
07:00 Recognize Manipulation Tactics
08:44 Validate Feelings Not Actions
11:58 Seek Professional Support
13:41 Limit Contact as Needed
15:32 Understanding the Root Cause
18:24 Taking Care of Yourself is Key

[sirenachantal]

Would you do a video on how to catch yourself doing the manipulation and stopping it? I grew up with many manipulative people. It’s a pattern that I just recently found that I sometimes do. It feels like I am offering protection from what might be a bad decision. It’s an intense feeling. I was reminded of how capable this person was and felt shame for seeing what I was doing. I’m on the low end of BPD diagnosis and really appreciated being called out on this. (Even though the shame was there but that’s mine to process). I don’t want to hurt anyone. It was a reflexive response that I will be watching out for so I don’t do it again. But a little help recognizing it would be nice 😊

[Godloveshischildren]

In my experience, every time you declare/explain a boundary to someone who is narcissistic (especially if the are highly narcissistic), or explain why something has to be a certain way when that person demands to know why, is that they then deliberately overstep your boundaries to provoke you. When they successfully provoke you after doing things to you dozens of times (sometimes hundreds of times), if you ever react once, especially in a professional setting, you often get shafted, because they then switch to victim mode, and you are the aggressor, because you reacted when they finally pushed you past your limits.

Any individual who does this kind of thing to others, is not just displaying narcissistic tendencies, they are a highly narcissistic individual who will do anything to get, gain, or maintain control over you so their self image remains untarnished. It is one of the hallmarks of a highly abusive individual.

[MartinHindenes]

One shouldn't have to tell about specific boundaries upfront, nor should one have to repeat them.

Just know precisely what your boundaries are, communicate them once it becomes relevant, and most importantly follow your boundaries always.

Boundaries aren't optional, nor are they up for haggling.

[sosyrobinson]

So many other signs of manipulation, silent treatment, sulking, crying, pouting, angry stares/dagger looks, tone of voice, threats to leave, or just leaving, anger outbursts…it goes on and on


The interesting part of this video is that both bpd and narcissistic personality types use the exact same styles of manipulation, with the acception of sui attempting and self mutulat…

It makes me wonder if people with bpd have problems with boundaries because they themselves cross the same ones they try to lay down on a constant basis?

[----]

honesty human relationships are not worth it in terms of energy, emotion and time

[jenynz]

My husband of 20 years was an expert at manipulating. I'm going to become an expert on how not to be ☺️

[theresafreis]

Such fascinating perspective, well perspectiveS! Can't tell our truth unless the other "can't run away;" creating a desperation... the latter. Wow! I'll be thinking about this for a while.

[Katharsisa]

Correct. Projections of the mind is delusional yet correct

[reggiemac]

I know we shouldnt diagnose but sometimes i feel like spouses and loved ones are the most equipped to establish these behaviors. I believe my ex suffered from this disorder. It was hell absolute hell. It didnt matter HOW you established boundaries, communication, or asked for the truth, she was dedicated to her delusional thinking and was committed to destroying everything and everyone around her. Broke my heart but i had to leave.

[danielhernandez-fomj]

Brilliant video dr dr fox in reality the very beginning of this video is a major thing people with bpd can work on to minimize the resentment built by even perceived manipulation as well as real .... I have identy issues placing boundaries ahead of time isent in my nature most the time .... but recently have been doing well to place boundaries.... and think about them and identify with them .... notnalow myself to bend them do to as I think it's eazy for us to feel someone is abusing us or manipulating us when in reality we arnt placing boundaries in the beginning of the relationship... we are riding the honey moon phase and doing things with and for them even without them forcing us to ... we just want them happy and not leaving and filling the emptiness.... so when the honeymoon phase leaves we start to resent them for not knowing our boundaries or wants .... so it's imperative for those of us with BPD when were in relationships or before we even get into relationships are identifying our boundaries.... i can tell you so meny moments during a fight people and my partner have said you never said that was a problem or boundary.... you have to find what you like accept when others arnt around so when they are your not randomly placing one just becuase your not worried or hurt

[Spritual-life-lessons]

Hi I need to learn the social skills, mainly communication skills, being raised in a manipulative environment I never learned those.
Please make a video on socially accepted skills and communication techniques specifically for workplace.

[wardpreston]

my ex-girlfriend of nine years does a lot of manipulating I believe, she guilt trips me all the time, but on the other hand, she has a lot of problems, physical and mental and financial. I guess it’s hard to tell what is real and what is manipulation.

[sethechlin]

Thank you for making this video. Can you do a video on manic eyes?

[stoneyvowell]

So consciously manipulating the manipulator!

[minutesago]

Thank you,
As a manipulator, time to step up my game.

[patiaurelio]

Is passivity toward being on my side or even ask for my point of view something I need to set boundaries? Because to me that’s people who don’t care at all about me, but I don’t know how to put it into words.

[Erivalenciaa]

I would like to watch a video from you talking about envying others

[Katharsisa]

Ive felt like ive been sexualised at times with BPD and ive said enough is enough with religious inspiration. Ive given here so much space and she disrespected it

[MitzieHodges]

not saying this is bad, but Magnetic Aura makes it look basic

[michaelcummings]

So when my wife rages an inch from my face, threatens to kill herself as manipulation and punches me over and over, I'm supposed to be "empowered" and say she did nothing to cause my feelings? Sounds like psychobabble BS, sorry. You're right on occasion for sure, but BPD abuse is real as you know and I cant accept that I caused all this simply because of my flawed reaction and inability to respond perfectly enough to my assailant. This type of blame shifting is harmful to victims who after doing everything in their power are still abused and like any normal human being with healthy emotional responses l, it doesn't feel good! Like pain physically that alerts us to something wrong. Even Jesus in His agony, passion and death on the cross expressed real pain and emotion! And He was the Son of God! Let's be real, huh?