Parent Resentment

#matthiasjbarker #parents #resentment #connectionmatters #healingjourney #therapist #healthyboundaries #mentalhealth #connection #boundaries

[amrcngrlintheuk]

I don't need them to be yhe parent I needed. I would just love an acknowledgement of remorse or even responsibility. instead I get excuses and victimhood.

[RadishTheFool]

Hard no. Nobody can change what they did in the past. But if they also can't change as people, then it's not safe to let them into our hearts. We have to protect our inner child from their abuser(s). Be the parent you wish you had, to yourself.

[riseeagles]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. The more you can let go the better.

[Mink]

I like how you left it up to the viewer on whether or not their situation can be handled that way because for me, mine was abusive. Sometimes it’s not safe for you to forgive them or let them back into your heart like that because the resentment was the only thing holding them accountable. If I didn’t have my resentment and learn to grow past its superficial levels, I wouldn’t have been able to identify the ways he treated me that were harmful and prevent them from happening again.

[TheBread_Man]

The worst part is when they keep making excuses.

[jamg]

There can be no letting go or repair when the parent refuses to acknowledge the trauma they caused you let alone take any accountability or apologize. In her eyes my trauma belongs to her not me. She is the ultimate victim. You just can’t repair anything with someone like that. I can acknowledge her trauma. And that still doesn’t make trauma non existent. She’ll never understand that. It’s sad, but it’s my reality. She’s never really been parent and it’s unreasonable on my end to expect her to be that now. So I removed myself. She can go be her true self and I can finally heal. She’s openly wished for me to “just go away and disappear”. So, I finally granted her wish. I went away from her life. Forever.

[bluecrystal_]

it was very hard living with my parents in my later years before moving out, because i had that emotional resentment because of what they should have done, but i also have the upmost respect for them because of the good things they did in spite of everything.

[kimmeeb]

I carried a lot of resentment for my parents for a long time. It just hurt me. I let it go and came to realize that they did their best. And even later, I came to realize that their best wasn’t enough. And now whenever I talk to them, it just feels like there’s a chasm between us. I’m not the same person that moved away 2 years ago, and they aren’t the same people I left behind and we’re all stuck pretending we’re the same. It just makes me sad and I don’t know how to bridge that gap. What scares me more is that I’m not sure I want to 😢

[Harzerhexe]

Ich habe gelernt, dass wir die Eltern sein können, die gut zu uns sind, indem wir einfach gut mit uns umgehen.
Ich wünsche uns allen viel Erfolg damit und viel Geduld!

[maggiejones]

I said to my mum "you are a fantasy I had as a kid, now, as an adult, I won't have a friend as you 😢

[meganfreeland]

But she still is the parent that she was when I was a kid.

[Whaaat]

You are right it is not definitelly healthy let them in now. If they dont work on themself they will continue in ruining your life. If you keep too much pain from their behaviour even their presence is painfull.

[louana]

When they don't want to heal, you can't heal them but you can heal yourself by understanding than you can't change them to become the person YOU want them to be but you can change to become the person YOU qant to be.

I know it's hard, i don't talk often to my mom because she didn't heal herself and she's not incline to heal herself, so i start to heal on my side and slowly i heal from the chilhood i never had because she never had one too. But i forgive her even if she get on my nerves sometimes, i just know she have coping mechanisms like i have so i keep calm.

Take care everyone and don't forget to drink some water.

[markcarroll]

I so needed this. From both angles. As the offspring and the parent.
Thank you.
God bless you.

[torakuro]

Sadly my mom is really toxic and dangerous, I know she love me, do it wrong. With her BPD and others mental disorders. After she got help and had to take some medications force by the law, and had to stop drug, I saw the mother I could have, the best year in my life. Until it was too much for her to bare on her shoulder. She came back to her olds habits, screaming, insulting me, being agressive, taking drugs and stop the médication. I am struggling with my own mental health since a kid. I manage to get a good life despite I was setted to fail from the beginning. I manage to be a winner, but I had to cut the bridge with my mom, I don't hate her, but I put my foot down, I am not going to see her again if she continu her drugs and refuse to take her medications. It really mess with her head at a point you never know when it would go wrong, she is a ticking bomb. So I gave her the choice, and maybe if in a few years i felt better and stronger to handle her despite her outburst, I will give more of my time despite how toxic she is. So maybe I hopes too much for her to be the mom i desir, but for saving my own skin I had to make a choice.

[johnstapleton]

I think part of the tendency we have to resent our parents is an instinct to push away from them so we can become individuals, which in large part means correcting in ourselves the flaws that came from them. Now that I’ve healed a lot of personal wounds and done a lot of individuation I can talk to my parents and enjoy it, but that’s only come after three years of no contact to heal and become the person I wanted to be rather than the person they wanted me to be.

[susynn]

Man this hit home. They're gone now and I'm still unloading the debt. I loved them.

[TheCoolerBrother]

If I “let go of that debt” all their wrong becomes okay and I can’t have that

[wilczajagoda]

My mom isn't ideal now. But she's doing better. I moved out the night I turned 18. It made our relationship so much better. Getting out of the house must be what your relationship need. Some people are better seen once a month.

[OCEAN_OF_FOXES]

No, it's not about past. It's about now. All it takes is apologizing and being authentically interested in who we are instead of creating this superficial picture "my daughter", "my son" with all the expectations that come with it. Like what WE owe THEM being their children, despite they hadn't fulfilled the role before so we can actually live it. It's the expectation of closeness when they had never built it when they were responsible for everything that was happening between us. Once you miss building the bond with a child, it does never come back. And the debt you feel as a child is real, i think nobody should force themselves to act like nothing happened, to play out the role of a perfect child, when they don't even like the persons their parents are.
They created a person who cannot love because they didn't love - you reap what you sow. My years of hard work to learn as an adult what i should have been shown when i was tiny is not something they would keep benefiting from. They had a delusional family picture and they earned it. You wouldn't tell anybody to keep being friends with anyone who kept on abusing them for xteen years. And we're talking about bullies who were expected to protect and teach love. It's the highest form of human betrayal. I don't see how I should forgive that without the person actually putting ANY work to fix that.
Acknowledge - apologize - change. I think deep down everybody would want to have a good loving relationship with their parents. If they did that, I'd guess that minority of people would reject them. The debt CAN be paid now. And it's good news for the parents because they shouldn't feel powerless about the resentment their kids have towards them.