Why Do I Smile When I'm Not Happy? | Kati Morton

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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[veryberry]

My therapist called me out on doing that, and made me think about why. And I realized it's because I don't want other people to feel uncomfortable or unhappy. So for me it's kind of like "haha man, that thing was so awful, but it's okay!"

The "grin and bear it" thing makes sense too, though. My dad liked to give me the "I'll give you something to cry about" spiel (although to be honest, I still cry at the drop of a hat if I'm upset. I just hate doing it).

[Geekella]

I do it because i absolutely hate that look of shock or sadness on the other person's face when they hear what I'm saying. So i smile and laugh to soften the mood, or make them think it wasn't that bad. It's a bad habit of mine. I'm already feeling bad, so I don't want the other person to feel bad too

[dwojcik]

I smiled my way through middle and high school.

[Louisyed]

One term I was surprised you didn't use here was defense mechanism. I smile whenever I feel uncomfortable, which I think is a protective thing. A few therapists have commented on it when I've been talking about really difficult things. It's like a way of distancing myself from the emotion because I feel uncomfortable expressing them to others.

One of the downsides is that people don't recognise how bad things really are when you're presenting the smiling mask all of the time. But it's really hard to fight that automatic reflex and so I could be talking about suicidal thoughts and yet smiling.

As I've gotten more comfortable with talking about emotions it happens less, though it still happens when embarrassed or I'm the centre of attention.

[erinmccabe]

I completely get this! I legit was talking to my counsellor today with a massive smile about hating myself

[lozza]

I so switch between either just being sad and not showing much emotion, or definitely taking the 'grin and bear it' to heart. I feel like whenever I tell someone part of my story or maybe explaining how something bad happened, I just say it so casually and end with a smile and, "it's all good though, I'm getting there", even when being honest it's ridiculously hard and I'm feeling absolutely horrible! In saying that though, I was pretty much taught to not show emotions such as anger and haven't really been able to cry in public or around people since I was really little.

[CinnamonPolar]

This is just a good message in a way about expressing our emotions and not being nervous about it.
Sometimes people tease others for crying in a movie, or feel awkward at a funeral or something.
But it's completely normal and nothing to feel bad about. And I bet most people teasing others about it, are just holding back lots of the same emotions themselves

[Jaydensmama]

This explains so much. My counselor pointed out that I smile a lot in therapy talking about really difficult things but she didn’t explain why this could happen. This clarifies a lot and makes complete sense.

[jpjpvds]

When people ask me how it felt when I heard my father hung himself, I usually can't stop laughing!! I laugh cause I find the question really silly. Your video helps me understand a bit better, the huge shock I see on people's faces when this happens. Cheers!!

[ghostie]

WOW IT'S ME. I just started therapy and I'm learning so much about myself.

[MusicIsARainbow]

I don't know how this happened, but I can't stand crying around my parents or siblings. I'll cry around my husband, children, and some friends, but when I was a kid, it used to make me mad if my mom asked me if I had been crying or if she declared that I went to my room and cried when I really didn't. I also didn't like it when she asked what I was thinking about. I just felt like if I want to talk about my feelings, I will decide to.

I tend to tell some sad stories with a half smile because I'm trying not to cry at the moment. When I cry, my eyes are sometimes puffy for days and I get a headache.

[storytellerhut]

Ooh my goodness! My therapist just talked about this with me yesterday. She said I often have a “poker face” when I am explaining physical and emotional pain. We talked about how I often feel invalidated by others when I am really hurt and she said maybe this is why. I keep a straight or blank face and sometimes even smile when I am really hurting so people cannot see how much it is affecting me. I am not sure how to change it, but I thought this video was so helpful and interesting!!! Thanks Kati!

[vs]

Kati - thank you for what you do. You’re the reason I felt brave enough to disclose ALL of my symptoms to my therapist without fear of judgement which led to an accurate diagnosis and a more precisely targeted treatment plan after 5+ years of being seen. When you said that therapists are waiting for a patient to have the insight level where they can catch up with their doc, you were so right! She was ready to rock and had so much incredible compassion. Thanks again!

[midnight_]

I basically start smiling/laughing every single time I talk about my traumatic experiences/bad thoughts (like suicidal thoughts or stuff about my eating disorder or even just simply intruisive thoughts) and when I spent time at the psychiatry many psychologists and psychiatrists called me out on this, one of the psychologist said “even though you talk about experiences that are about lots of hard emotions and seemingly traumatic for you you always seem to be disconnected from your own emotions/feelings while talking about it, even though you talk about pain and hurt you just don’t let yourself experience it” and it was so true, I do tend to keep myself distant from my emotions cause it’s just easier I guess, I’m scared to get too involved in even my own experiences because I don’t like being vulnerable in front of others not even if it’s a professional because i feel like I have to “protect” myself or something and if I show my actual emotions I feel like I could be hurt too easily.
It’s starting to be easier with my current psychiatrist though, I’m now sometimes able to express how I actually feel instead of trying to stay distant from my feelings, I still laugh too many times when I shouldn’t but I was able to let out my actual emotions and even cry some times now and I’m starting to feel safer with her^^

[laurenallison]

Oh my gosh I was smiling the whole time during my last therapy session when I confessed my eating disorder behaviors 😅😅😅

[fionascheibel]

I think I sometimes smile during distress so that no one realizes I'm upset and uses it as a chance to further bully and attack me. It's almost a defence mechanism

[sedadilarakuru]

Meme accounts do feeling collages a lot, I don’t know if they realize that is what they do. Memes/reaction pics capture some seemingly indescribable feelings really well too.

[gabbiefulton]

Thank you Kati for this video it has help me understand my emotions about why I smile at inappropriate time especially when I feel emotion numb. Thank you for giving me some tools to use and to think about.

[whitthompson]

When I was growing up and getting punished, I always got in more trouble because I would start hysterically laughing. It worked in my favor though, eventually my parents just sent me away instead of the usual whooping. I guess I just continued doing that in my adult life too. Very interesting video Kati! Love ya!

[WestLakeAngel]

The idea that forcing yourself to smile when you actually feel depressed could be a bad thing - it’s absolutely brilliant. Somehow, it makes me feel like my negative emotions are okay. I have a hard time feeling happy, and I don’t think I smile much, but I love the idea of training my brain to smile when I AM feeling good. Awesome video. Thank you! 💖