When to let kids 'FAIL'? (Executive Function, ADHD)

A parent writes: "Natural consequences... one of my takeaways from the summit was to not be my kid's executive function(at least as much), and allow natural consequences to happen. Yesterday was a test for me.
My daughter started community college two weeks ago. Yesterday, she had classes start at 8a. Her alarm went off at 7a. And again at 7:09a. Then silence. I told her the night before I'd give her a ride as long as she was ready by 7:30a. But after that, I had commitments. At 7:19a I started getting anxious. At 7:24a I was irritated. I watched the clock tick down reminding myself not to save her. That was hard."
WHEN can we let kids "Fail Safe? When is it rescuing? Enabling? Saving? Maladaptive?, Helping too much or not enough?
Here I explain several core concepts to empower you. Please share ti if you like it.

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😀ABOUT- I'm Seth Perler and Each Sunday I create a new video for you to be of service and try to give back for all the people who helped me through my executive function struggles. I want a world where education gives ALL kids, including outside-the-box learners, the tools to build a good future. Education should empower learners to not only have great lives, but also to contribute in personally meaningful ways. Let's do this right. My mission is to help students who struggle with school, and it's all about "Executive Function".

✅SUPPORT- To support me, PLEASE click SUBSCRIBE on YouTube, click LIKE on videos, click the BELL, share your COMMENTS and wisdom with other parents and educators. THANKS!

#ExecutiveFunction, #adhd, #2e

[SethPerler]

What blocks YOU from allowing natural consequences? What do you do that works? Comment below to help us learn more...

[DigitalRelay]

I'm the author of that post, so this was a bizarre video for me to watch. It's super encouraging to hear your feedback, Seth.

I discovered you a little over a month ago when during an appointment with my daughter's psychiatrist out of nowhere she offered "I just think I have trouble with my executive function." In 12 years of IEPs, counseling, in-patient care, and struggles, I had never heard the term. My reaction during the visit was to think she was regurgitating something she'd heard online, since I've seen that before. After the visit, I started searching, found your videos, and started watching. It was like viewing the same problem, but from a totally different angle - from the ground up. I had been focussed on strategies to modify the behavior. The new perspective was understanding why the behavior was happening. And understanding that if she (or both of us) wasn't emotionally stable, no strategy would work because she wouldn't buy into it. I also decided that my number one priority is our relationship. Not just to be effective in getting her to buy in, which is necessary, but I realized that even if I'm never able to help her improve, the most important part of this is that she knows she is loved and belongs in our family.

[jamiebutton]

Thanks again, Seth, for all the work you do! I have grown kids, but I still notice I try to save them!! The thing that has helped me the most is the shift from saving to offering ideas and stepping away (which still hurts!). I recognize that offering a few ideas via a text or email helps me put some distance between my need for control and trusting that my kids will do what is right for them. This parenting thing is a life-long journey! ;-)

[juliewallace]

Thank you so much for this video. It resonated with my current situation.

I struggle with natural consequences & allowing my 14yo son to fail. I wasn’t diagnosed w/ ADHD until I was in my late 30’s and it was a life long struggle. My son & I have the same difficulties so we are learning together. That is why I think I struggle with letting him fail, because I am failing too and I want him to succeed. My son tends to give up when things are too difficult or if he thinks he is going to fail. I have been failing for so long that failing IS my comfort zone. I am falling into to that parental trap of not wanting my children to go through what I had to go through, so I end up dragging him to success usually kicking and screaming. Thank you for reminding me that failure is practice. It is only bad if you don’t learn from it. I have been his “alarm clock” for so long that when I let him fail he blames me. It also could be because he is a teenage.

I am excited to watch more of your videos.

[denisegoetz]

I am 51 and undiagnosed but have all the issues. I have a hard time letting him fail because I want his life to be easier than mine. I know the traps and want to help him navigate easier. But my struggles Led me to have a good career so maybe the struggles need to be more real for him. Learning to deal and your work around and strengths is important too. Just so hard to see. Also I want him to be better than me, so I have been trying to show him my systems. By writing this I am telling myself to let him fail more. And failing more isn’t bad it is how he will learn from his own experience so it is real to him not just moms overreacting or imagination.
Good stuff Seth! Thank you.

[carynm.]

I get stuck at "being late" or "making other folks wait on you." As a child, my parents drilled into me that was a HUGE mistake and heaped guilt on me about inconviencing others (esp. adults). I need to let things happen. :(

[carinroylance]

Good reminders!! I love the phrases to use: "I noticed" and "what do you think". I want to put those in my regular usage. I work with middle school students and have my own differently wired kiddos. I guess really comes down to what the stakes are and the individual child. I have a child who if they accidentally overslept and didn't wake up, and ended up being left at home from school would probably just permanently play hooky. :) Ha. So, it's figuring out what natural consequences will actually have a worthwhile impact and which they don't have the maturity yet to learn from. Possibly hard to know 100% until you try. I also have students who need more scaffolding to optimize their learning because they don't care AT ALL about grades or pleasing the teacher. Some who are ready to have more independence, but there definitely isn't a one size fits all, so good to hear you talk as well about looking at the individual child.
As a parent, it is definitely tough when the stakes feel higher--especially with high school grades, health, well-being.

[DianeSeversonMori]

Thanks, Seth. That was very useful, especially pointing out why what this parent did and said was helpful. I am stuck with my 12 year old because when he was really little his therapist suggested we had to do things with/for him if he didn't do it with 3x telling him. We are still doing it and I fear it's become our modus operandi. I really need to let him take more responsibility but he is resistant and I fear it is my fault.

[rachespach]

Hey Seth, thanks for your wonderful work. I get really stuck with allowing my 11yo son to fail to prepare for exams. The teachers give him so many resources to make it easy to know what to study but he shows no interest in finding this out/knowing which day the exam is on etc. He will only prepare if we “bug him” as you put it. I get really anxious and then angry because we have expectations that he at least TRY at school, no matter what grades he ends up getting. And this is slowly ruining our relationship.😕

[Powpow-fypi]

Hi Seth, thanks for the video! My 9 year old daughter is careless about the natural consequences, that’s where this whole thing is stuck. I tried to “let go” but she’s also letting herself go….

[angelakosar]

I struggle with allowing my 16 year old ADHD son to "fail". I was raised with a fear of failure and am a recovering perfectionist myself, so it really triggers my anxiety when there's even the possibility of failing at something.

[s.d.berard]

Hello! Do you have any videos about aggression with an ADHD preteen? Your videos are amazing and very helpful! 😺

[Tracysop]

How do you know when it’s safe to let them fail? What if you’re dealing with heavier things than grades, like clinical depression or anxiety? Should you let everything take a backseat to those issues, even if the fallout of failing in school will eventually add to the self-esteem issues?

[tamarrawagner]

What makes me stuck is the fact that he doesn't see big picture yet and just doesn't seem to care about grades etc. I want him to get the basics now so doesn't have to go back and re learn it all or feel overwhelmed by it.

[MilnaAlen]

Natural consequences definitely worked with school stuff, and I was responsible at that. But at other things like exercise, hygiene and drinking water my mum had to keep reminding me to the day I moved out. Now I brush my teeth like 2-3 times a week, never had pain or fillings so no motivation. It's probably not good long term tho.

[afrdeity]

I am blocked when the natural consequences will affect me or others - as well as my child.

[newday]

It is very hard to see my child not going in special programs that she is more then qualified just because she was can keep up with the mundane tasks of completing an application.

[healingfear]

Something that makes it really difficult for me to let go of waking my son in the morning are my fears that my son might settle for less. That if I let him miss a ride to his high school with me, which times well with my drive to work, will he walk the 2 miles to school or just skip the whole day? Would he enjoy it and skip again in the future or would the failure stress him out enough not to repeat it? I suspect it would be the latter but can't be sure. I did just recently buy him a new alarm clock and I hope it helps him to get up more successfully. One of the failures he is tepeatly having is he insisted on using a phone for an alarm and keeps leaving headphones plugged into them, effectively muting the alarm and causing him to sleep until I check on him.

[southerncharm]

I feel stuck because no one can tell me how my child, now young adult in college, can learn EF skills. The therapists and counselors treat the anxiety and depression separate from EF deficit, but for me, it is so intertwined. They don't listen and eventually I am told that I am the problem. It is exhausting.

[rodolforodriguez-chomat]

I have an 11 year old son, and it’s very frustrating cause I feel like it is my job to make sure he does not fail in life. It’s not about my kid waking up cause he actually does a decent job waking up for school in the morning without being woken up.

Every day it’s the same thing, how was school? Good. What did you learn? Nothing. Did you learn anything? No.

I feel like I have allowed him to fail many times when it comes to sports and things like that, but I feel like school I cannot allow him to fail and need to do whatever I can to ensure he is educated. He has gotten plenty of poor grades on his own. And he has also worked hard to get better grades - but usually, it’s forced work. Like you need to do your work and you can’t do anything until it is done. At the same time, does it mean he is really learning when he is doing that work? Is he concentrating/ paying attention ?

But some people disagree with me and say I am preventing him from failing. I grew up with my mother who was a teacher so my mom was constantly up my ass about school. So that is how I am…but my son lacks confidence due to confidence issues. He hates reading. He hates doing school work. He lacks initiative when it comes to studying. I am trying to teach habits of doing homework and focusing on schoolwork before anything. I feel like I am going in a circle though. And am failing as a parent.

What can I do cause I wish it was about not waking up because he is 11 I can’t just let him flunk in school and not do school work? I never had issues learning and neither does his younger brother so I don’t know what to do really. I am not trying to be an enabler, but he is 11 and my stress and anxiety over his school work is maddening and exhausting. I know he can do whatever he wants if he puts his mind to it. But when it comes to school, I am lost. And it’s not that he is necessarily getting bad grades because when I sit with him and ensure he studies, he does well. but I shouldn’t have to make sure he studies.

Any advice to help get an 11 year to “want” to study and “want” to learn.