What happens as we die? | Kathryn Mannix | TEDxNewcastle

Most of us have never seen anyone die. Few have any idea what to expect as death approaches, and most have unrealistic fears about it. Kathryn wants to change that.

She believes that we lost familiarity with dying over the course of the 20th century, and she wants us all to reclaim that forgotten wisdom. Her talk will explore what happens as we die, and explain how knowing more can make us all less afraid.

It’s a conversation that has comforted thousands of her dying patients and de-mystified the experience of many bereaved people who attended deathbeds. Let’s be better informed, better prepared, and less afraid about death. Kathryn was a consultant in palliative care medicine for 20 years, working in hospices, patients’ own homes and a large teaching hospital.

She took early retirement in 2016 to work for better public understanding of dying. In 2017, her first book, ‘With the End in Mind’ became a surprise international hit. Her book went on to be shortlisted for the Wellcome Book Prize and was The Times ‘Thought’ Book of the Year.

[paulaballetdancer]

Being with my mom when she died……it was the only time in my life that the earth stopped moving under my feet. Truly. She was so stoic. The death rales had stopped. . . . She didn’t speak. I sat by her side and got the impression she was monitoring the scene. The love of my life. My heroine. 🌱

[fluffystarafina]

I'm with my mom right now, watching and waiting, 3 days in so far. I feel like I'm a passing partner instead of a birthing partner. She brought me into this life, I can see her out.

[mariannedressler]

I have been a Hospice nurse for 18 years. I loved this talk ❤. In my practice I have come to know death is not the enemy, fear is.

[triciaismyname]

I've done a job that put me in charge of people passing. What I've noticed is that people who are passing will start to see and try to speak with people who you cannot see. They then start to get this certain smell of passing. If you feed them when they no longer want to eat it causes more pain. Don't make them eat past this point. They will be more comfortable that way. As for what she said it is also the truth. Some will wait to pass until certain people are there to say goodbye, and some people will let go and pass once they are told that it's OK to pass on. It just depends on the passing person. Make sure that they are comfortable and give them the pain medication to help them be comfortable during their last few days. Keep their mouth wet with mouth sponges meant to hold water to rub on their lips and inside their mouth. It keeps them more comfortable. Don't force liquids or solids past what they want. They know when they do not need it any longer.

[jmcg]

62 years old and I never witnessed death. Never closer than a waiting room. Never with intimacy. I am now incurable in palliative care for cancer and heart failure. My rocks are my siblings and some lovely friends. I am enrolled for legal medically assisted death here in Canada. Dr Mannix is such a great communicator and is helping me to better understand much. I have a wonderful social worker and recently have spent time at day hospice and also palliative services from our public health system. I do not know if I am prepared to travel to the undiscovered country but sense that whistle stop is nigh. If I go there as Dr Mannix describes or by injection is of no matter. I hope everyone finds their peace ☮️

[debnairwilson]

I've been tortured for the last two years with lack of understanding when my beautiful husband died of cancer. This has given me such immense comfort. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[amliwotyed]

I witnessed my mothers' last breath in my arms trying to feed her. She was looking at me. Unforgettable moment.

[richielavery]

I sat with my daughter as she died at just two days old. She spent just the last hour of her life breathing by herself and then she left. The breathing pattern is something I will never forget, she would gasp every few minutes and then continue quietly. She would have turned five this last week. She taught me so much about life and death.

[hecklerkoch]

As a Licensed Funeral Director since I was 21, I've done over 10 thousand removals of the dead. I know the smell of Death(not to be confused with a decayed body). I've spoken with hundreds of Healthcare providers at people's homes. I can tell if a person died of cancer, disease or simply passed in their sleep. There is a distinct odor that presents itself. The last breath is nearly impossible to detect Unless right on top of the dying. It is something that changed my outlook of death. The process in which a human being dies is quite peaceful(under normal circumstances). While I was young, I never thought twice about MY own death, as I was numb to it. However, doing those removals taught me to not be afraid of it, anymore than being afraid of the dark. The Process will come for us all. It's unbeaten. Always try to live with knowing that, and you will live a fulfilling life.

[phyllidaacworth]

My Dad died at the end of October, and his breathing went into the exact rhythm you describe. It went on for a long time before he actually died, most of a day. When I got back from work, I kissed his forehead, and he smiled. Later, he clung to my hand, but there was no reaction when I kissed his forehead again later in the evening. At 1am, not realising he was about to die, I told him I loved him and that it was okay for him to let go. I went to bed and was asleep when he died within one or two hours. I would like to think he might have heard me, but it sounds as if he was probably deeply unconscious at that point and that he had just drifted away.

Since then, I have had the most incredibly vivid dream of seeing him alive and healthy, and when we hugged in the dream, I could feel his arms round me and the tweed of his jacket under my hands. If I were sure there was an afterlife, I would think he visited me.

Thanks for this video. It has reassured me that his death was peaceful.

[amandasymon]

Wow! My husband has terminal cancer and he has wanted to hear this desperately. Thank you Thank you Thank you 🙏

[judeirwin]

Thank you SO much for this. My beloved husband died of mesothelioma a year ago. I got to the hospice ten minutes too late. The doctor told me that he passed very peacefully, just stopped breathing. No struggling with breath or other dramas. I have wanted to believe that and forgive myself for not being st his side and holding his hand or saying one last time how much I loved him. But now...hearing this caring, simple, honest message, I think I can let go of my guilt. He was ready to leave. Even though he knew I was On my way to him, he didn’t or couldn’t wait. And that’s ok. My presence wasn’t necessary, because he knew and understood how much I adored him. It was his time, he knew it, and bravely let go, cast off and let the wind of the Great Spirit fill his sails.

[bbuk]

As a nurse, I feel that good palliative care is so important. As one Palliative Nurse Specialist once said to me 'we only have one chance to get it right' and she couldn't be any more right.

[nominalsofar]

I had never seen a dead body, nor seen anyone die until I was confronted with witnessing my father pass away. We knew it was a matter of time, but when I get the call that I needed to be there immediately, I have to admit that, as I traveled to him, I was frightened. A 48 year old man (me) beside himself with fear of those final moments, what would it be like? Would what I was about to see scar me for life and tarnish my memories of this wonderful man? Thanksfully this description matches exactly (as it would!) the closing chapter of my Dad's life. Although we were obviously very sad to lose him, we all commented right there and then that it was somehow beautifully peaceful and for a moment death didn't feel like something to fear. We lost my Mum 6 months later and the pattern was repeated. Thank you Kathryn for spreading this wonderful message as you say it needs to be spread far & wide.

[ferark]

I’m sure many will find this both informative and comforting. I was with my Mum when she sadly passed away. The day before we lost her Mum was in a very deep sleep just like the one you described when suddenly she came out with the words “ I love you “ before falling back into a deep sleep she never came out of. It was her final words…something I’ll never forget.

[thomasmoore]

Thank you, that was worth hearing. Some years ago my wife was dying of cancer and this was understood by all around her and myself, but it was never really discussed in any depth. My wife was rather a private person and although I was caring for her to the end, we didn't talk much about it and she kept looking after herself in many ways, never troubling me unless it was absolutely necessary. I cannot blame the NHS for lack of care but certainly little, if any, advice was given me as to how to prepare for the passing of my wife, other than the application of the required medications. All this happened at home between the two of us early one September day shortly after her 75 birthday and after 50 years of marriage. I think she felt her time was up and after a slightly disturbed night she fell into a peaceful sleep. I had sat by her bedside for some hours and then had to slip out of the room for a minute or two, and I knew immediately on my return that my wife, as I had known her, had gone. I like to think she had a slight smile on her face when I spoke to her but I cannot be sure. I have heard it said that the dying do often slip away like this, when one's back is turned, as if they don't want to cause further distress, it seems possible.

[heatherholyland]

As a nurse I’ve sat with many a dying patient who have no family, I also sat with my beautiful mum as she was passing, I just told her I loved her and that I’d see her again someday, that it was ok for her to leave 💔💔
. This video made me cry, what a beautiful soothing voice you have, I Will remember these words and pass them on ..💜

[michaelradel]

This was brilliant and so heartfelt. I worked as a clinical and later research neuropsychologist in a specialist geriatric setting in a major city hospital in Australia and have seen “patients” die and have been involved in brain autopsies of deceased elderly patients. I have never heard a better or clearer treatise on the normal process of dying. I am now retired and reside in an health care facility for the elderly with a combination of heart failure and COPD which will eventually end my life on earth. Thank you so very much, Dr Kathryn Mannix for your beautiful presentation. God bless you 🙏👍👏🌹

[Cazza]

Thank you so much for posting this. 💜

As a former physio during the time of my dad passing with cancer, I worked in both respiratory and palliative care.

The former we would aim to stop the “rattle”. This made my dads lasts breaths difficult for me as I knew how to stop it, or so I thought. Working in palliative care, this was never explained to me, just how to make palliative patients more physically comfortable.

The palliative team looking after my dad explained there would be a noise but just said to contact them as that happened and they would give drugs to dry it up so to speak. This happened twice, the second time it did nothing.

However, mindfulness helped me back in that room after the first instance, so the second time it didn’t effect me as much and I was there for dad wholeheartedly.

I just wanted to say that that experience has and always will stay with me of course, but listening to this has lightened that load. Knowing that that fluid just pools and doesn’t cause pain or discomfort in what breath he had left is soooo reassuring. The mindfulness work I did at the time was to say “it was just a noise which is effecting me more than dad”.

So thank you, really, thank you for sharing this. It means so much to me.

Finally, I agree with what this lady said that this needs to be spread far and wide, both in professional fields and the wider community. We need to eradicate the fear of dying. It is not morbid. It is inevitable. It can be as lovely as birth if we give it some attention during our lifetime and do so with one another in a sense of loving connection.

Much love 💜

[bevflagg]

I had the honor of being by the side of both my mum & dad when they passed. I held their hand as they took their final breath, it was peaceful & beautiful & both events will stay with me till the day I join them. My dads cancer was very painful for him & he was totally immobile, yet as we realised his end was near we all kissed him, my mum kissed him last and told him it was ok to go, I said we would take good care of mum. At that moment he opened his eyes turned and looked at each one of us, seeing mum last. Closed his eyes and never took another breath. He was so at peace, I’m so glad he was at home in his own bed with his family with him. Mum only lasted four months after dad, she was living with me for the last few days she was mostly in an unconscious state she hadn’t moved or spoken for days. A few hours before she passed me & my sister were sat around her bed talking to her about our lives as kids etc, when suddenly she sat up and shouted my dads name three times as if he was in the room waiting for her. I don’t think I would have believed it if I hadn’t witnessed it, but that moment gave me great peace.
Thank you Kathryn Mannix for giving me a greater understanding & awareness. I hope my passing will be as peaceful as my parents.