The role of gender in selecting a scapegoat by the narcissistic parent

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Today I want to discuss the gender dynamics that can be in play when a narcissistic parent selects a child to play the role of scapegoat. I believe that this selection process is often unconscious but the effects and role played by the parent’s and the child’s gender deserve attention. This is not meant to capture all the ways narcissistic abuse goes down between parent to child but to lay out how there can be a specific formula for it at times when gender is part of what triggers the narcissistic parent’s envy of the scapegoated child.

Here is the Recovery from narcissistic abuse playlist:

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[girlbythebeach]

I swear, every time I watch one of your narc videos, another piece of my childhood falls into place and suddenly makes sense to me. Keep them coming, they are so very helpful

[strugglingmillennial]

I am the truth teller and scapegoated daughter. My first experience with bullying was by my own mother. It was a devastating experience that drove me to attempt suicide many times. You described my experience perfectly.

[kristinanne]

My mother was sexually abused by the oldest child in her family. She admitted to me as an adult that she always hated me because I was the oldest. There’s no telling what these people project on to their children. I’m just thankful I don’t live there anymore. I’m trying to pick up my life and go no contact.

[janiececooper]

My mother scapegoated me because she is a narc and required all adoration to be on her at all times when my father adored me this evoked her jealousy and she assigned that role and trust me she was and still is the most sadistic person I have ever met but the world thinks she is a nice Christian woman, I am still suffering in life but she has it all, strange how that goes! I love your videos

[Chirp-zinx]

The narc mother/scapegoat daughter dynamic sickeningly resonates with me. It’s just so unnatural regarding what the role of a parent is meant to be. The competitive and destructive stifling by the narc mother is just downright ugly. To have missed out on a loving relationship with a mother in this lifetime is tragic and heart wrenching.

[beans]

The mother and the scapegoated daughter; you hit the nail on the head. I frequently had a hard time speaking up as a kid and became known as quiet due to this dynamic. I have gone no contact 2 years ago and I am finding my voice for the first time at 25. I lack a sense of identity due it pushing myself down for so many years and while I am ahead in some areas of life such as supporting myself, and having my finances under control, my core sense of what I want to do with my life Was definitely hindered due to walking on eggshells and being small and quiet for so many years. Even hiding my femininity because it was not safe to do so.

[TheSpicehandler]

Oldest of three, only girl, both parents raging narcs, father was the strongman (both literally and within our family). Years ago, a boyfriend who saw clearly the dynamics of my family of origin and my role as the scapegoat, always referred to my father as "The Great Santini". He had me to watch that movie. I remember how freeing the validation felt since I'd been brainwashed by both parents all those years into believing I was somehow the problem. Nice to be reminded of that movie again. Thank you so much for these videos!!!

[akayiatos]

Our gender dynamics are reverse. My narc mom has an emotionally incestuous relationship with my brother. She tries to (crudely) woo him, and give him anything he wants. He’s had to “break up” with her. Meanwhile, I’m the daughter-scapegoat/human punching bag. To paraphrase Rebecca Solnit, I’m a mirror held up to her and she doesn’t like what she sees. Not the mirror’s fault! It’s all very Snow White/Cinderella/Alice and the Queen of Hearts in my experience.

[makaylahollywood]

Great video, wonderful community here. The worst came for me when my parents got older and died; adult sibilings acting like brats, cruel, me: scapegoat. There's a bad "soup" of experience floating around in my head and body. Finding healing. It's a process.

[simsrock]

I believe daughters are more frequently scapegoated because many cultures still have a view that woman are somewhat inferior. So it's easier for a parent to say "look what my daughter has done wrong", "she will amount to nothing" etc. and praise the son no matter what because that is normalized, and society favors them regardless

[arwenperea]

Jay I think you are so on point. I always sympathized with my brother. I never got the golden child and scapegoat role until watching educational videos like you have here. My poor brother was the scapegoat. I was on the path to becoming another female narc, when God interrupted my path and called me to heal. Now I know that neither of us are at fault for our narc mother and father's neglect, cruelty, and abuse. I have a new understanding of the male's perspective with a female narc. I am devastated to have a story like this, but since I woke up I am doing everything I can to help my brother and myself move past this darkness. Thank you so much. You are the most kind and articulate voice about the issue I can find.

[idontknow-lcbz]

I'm the oldest daughter of a narcissist father. His mom was BPD and his dad left them when he was young, so he had a bizarre obsessive relationship with her. I grew up kind of a tomboy not realizing that i didn't really feel safe to be "feminine". Even though he treated me almost like a son, he STILL didn't respect me as he did men (who he glorified) and didn't put me in the same "female" category as my mom and sister either who he saw as weak. I feel like he had fragmented views o women and used me to project his hatred of them and my mom as to project his love for them. I was the bastard child, he wanted a son to "continue his legacy' but what he got was a girl who would call him out on his bullshit.. oh well. 💅

[atmahe]

Hello from India. Thank you Jay. Your videos are life changing.

[ilyas]

Growing up with a Narcissistic mother I couldn't express my self at all, So I grew up a quiet person, when I was with people I would just listen to them talk to one another, sometimes they would be having interesting conversations that I would have loved to join in and share my perspective on the topic but instead I would just imagine what I would have said in my head and not joining in the conversations.
I used to think that I was too shy and didn't know how to communicate with people so I just grew up an introvert and stayed away from social situations.
As I got older and found people I was able to feel save with, I began to express myself and actually was able to have an imput in conversations, help problem solve and advice people and share my ideas and thoughts. These people valued me and described me as smart, peoples person and say I give good advice and Im good at building people and have good leadership skills they even thought I talk alot😂,
This made me feel abit confused as I always thought I was shy, quite because I'm not good with people.
Only when that I figured out that my mum has NDP and started watching lots of therapist videos on YouTube then I understood that my natural state of being is actually a peoples person, I love to talk and express myself, all them years I thought I was antisocial, turns out being quite was just a coping mechanism to survive mums NPD.

Wow, In a way I feel a bit upset and angry, mum stole alot from my life.
I got seriously bullied in secondary school for being so quiet. I could have benefited so much with my natural bubbly and friendly way of being while I was at school, university and working part time while studying.
My natural way of being would have opened up so many doors of opportunities for me. Being that shy antisocial person really held me back.

But im happy that I was still able to make great friends and find safe people regardless of how I used to be.

And like Jay said that shy introvert was necessary to survive the abuse.

I'm just glad that I figured it out because it would have been horrible living that shy for my whole life.
I'm getting to know my friendly bubbly self more and I really like it. I can believe its me, I was hidden from my self😆

[darkangel]

The always feeling like being watched follows me around today and it's psychologically tormenting because it's like being alive but not being able to be alive because deep down inside that will trigger them to harm me

My anxiety is because of narcissists in the world today

[AC-ewxr]

oh i think it's very intentional at least in some cases. perhaps that depends on where they are on the narc scale...don't know but i believe they target the same gender child as they are to project onto them. it's a very cruel thing to do to an innocent person. I beliveve mothers target daughters because they are their source of envy and also if their mother's were in the same role...it's rinse and repeat. It's the most wicked thing to do to your own child for that reason. To be selected for this at all by a parent much less simply based on your gener is horrible while the other siblings go unscathed NOT your same sex.

[daynaclift]

I had a narc mother and narc father, and narc sisters and one brother. I was the youngest. I am lucky to even still be alive honestly, from the effects of this type of abuse. At 52 I am actively working on my own recovery and have recently sought out another therapist. The aftereffects of this are horrific, like living in a nightmare in hell. I am happy to have found your content, it is explained in such a clear way and I have found is so helpful and very comforting. Thank you for your work and posting this content.

[RippleDrop.]

My narcissist mother lost her dad when she was 8 years old. She abused our brother the worst. To this day she talks and behaves like 4 years old when she talks of her father. The boy took the beating.

[therealdeal]

My dad was a lieutenant colonel in the Marine corps and a Marine aviator and later experimental test pilot. When I saw The Great Santini I thought somebody finally made a movie about my dad. Funny you should mention it.

[annewoods]

I know I sound like a broken record. Jay so get this dynamics. It's amazing and I'm eternally grateful.

My mother was insanely jealous of me. She divided the family into 2 groups: she and my 2 brothers vs me and my father. She was man-hungry. It was disgusting to see her giggled and talked about men. My father was a functional alcoholic, escaping into religion. My mother constantly lamented that my father didn't care for her, that he liked me more. She chased him and he ran. Whenever she caught up with him, she abused him. My father used me like a punching bag, hiding behind me while I endured the blows from my mother. When I disowned them all, I sent my father a letter, letting him know that I would not be there when he dies. I told him he let me be killed by my mother, one slice at a time. I used the analogy where my mother was a deranged circus master; I was the roaring scary animal in a cage; my father was the zoo keeper with the key to my freedom; my brothers were the circus goers who pointed their fingers at me, with pity, jeers, distain, and a sense of superiority. I was made to jump, roar, coward by the lashes of the circus master. No one came to my aid. Disowning them was the single best decision of my life. It is also a source of healing and empowerment. I revel in the fact that I let them know with no uncertain terms that I know they sacrificed me, and that I do not approve it.