Repeating Relationship Patterns - You're Dating Your Parent

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
☑️ Trust Your Intuition = #selfcare
☑️ Repair w/ Counseling = #psychology

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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Repeating Relationship Patterns - You're Dating Your Parent

In this video, I talk about recurring relationship patterns and we look at how these patterns get set up in our early, formative years during childhood. We repeat what we know.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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Repeating Relationship Patterns - You're Dating Your Parent

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[peacejoy]

I thought I made a conscious effort to not marry my father & that is exactly what I did!!! He was a combination of both my parents...all the ppl in the world I marry my parents! lol 🙄 There will 10, 000 ppl in the room & I will find the emotionally unavailable person!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

[Misslotusification]

<justifying bad relationships by convincing ourselves that we need to learn some lesson>

Spot on. However, as Pema Chödrön states, Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.

[rmhollin]

the intellect and depth of thought on this man is Fucking

[pauladuncanadams]

The way I tried to explain to this to my step daughter (when she was a teen) was that your values are like a wardrobe. Just like clothes in your closet, you need to take your thoughts, feelings, and values out of your closet, do an evaluation, and see if these still fit you. Maybe you have grown up and out of them??? Maybe they don't suit your lifestyle or tastes anymore??? Because you grow on the inside, not just the outside.

[ceciliam.]

Unconscious and unthinking ways of relating!! No wonder so much disappointment, confusion pain, anger, sadness!! Thank you!! You're truly a hero to all of us that grew and came from chaos (trauma). Big fraternal hug!

[flyprincess]

I call it flying the plane into the ground when I could of bailed out.

[taylorpresley]

Thank you for the truth! Finally! Harville Hendrix (author) wrote a book called "Getting the Love You Want, " and his theory was that each partner would help heal the other partner from past childhood trauma. And as AR states in this video that could be very dangerous or toxic. My dad is a sociopath and my mom is a narcissist, my partners have characteristics of each parent. This is why I am 59 years old and single because relationships can not work with either of my parent's personalities. I am currently working on my inner child core beliefs and changing the lies that I believed all my life. The 3 lies the IC has believed are: I can not cope (anxiety/depression). I am not worthy, and I am not enough. Getting to the origination of these lies and replacing them with reparenting skills with my belief in what God says about me. Definitely has been a journey of self-discovery and truth. May God bless each person who is seeking recovery and truth.

[RH-ulbc]

I am only half way thru this and wanted to say this video is brilliant. The belief you described is beautiful yes and romantically tragic, or can be. To stay and fix or correct is lovely but i believe its more meant to recognize the behavior because its familiar and the lesson is to recognize and let go or move on. The healing or dual healing assuming your partner is in the same situation would have to be fully realised by both of you and fully worked on by both. I would think this is rare. Having been one to realise this in my own life. To me its more awareness its happening and why and growing from it. Which often times results in moving through and past. Not unlike ascending a staircase. To move to the next level, you have to move beyond the previous step. Be appreciative of the person that they have come into your life because they are important to your healing journey just like the step on the staircase is also helpful to allow you to progress upward. There is no need to stay and martyr yourself repeating old patterns.

I grew up with 2 emotionally neglectful parents so my journey has been the work of a lifetime. I am 50 now. Sometimes i wonder if i will ever get to a place where i will be at peace with a partner. What i do know is that this is a valuable and necessary journey and all i can do is keep moving forward and be honest with myself and those partners who come into my life.

[Trailblazers]

Took me 38 years to see it despite having heard of this phenomenon my whole life.

[deniseodendaal]

This is so helpful this video
My last relationship had so many similar aspects to my mother who’s emotionally avoidant. Same types of punishment by emotionally cutting off or silencing me if I voiced any type of opinions.
Both cutting of the relationship by not communicating for months at a time
My mothers done this for years so I’m not so fazed by it anymore but my ex did that and it hurt so much. Any type of communication was met by silence and typical emotionally dismissive behaviour. I really did pick my mothers emotional attachment style because that’s how I’ve been loved
Thank you for your videos and insight Alan

[monicaduby]

I love how you break the very complex to manageable simple steps. It’s amazing how the lightbulb goes ON as soon as someone takes the time to explain our beliefs, thoughts and feelings at K level. Many thanks. I’m so hard headed and your explanations are really a break through.

[ayeshhas]

thank you deeply for this information. i am deeply grateful that youve made the decision to put this up and share with your fellow humans.

[kwpk]

You are an incredible teacher and highly gifted!

[joi]

I told my first therapist it felt as if my life was a maze bc I kept seeing same patterns & felt ppl I had chosen for relationship were relating to me the same way my family members did and that I didn’t like that. That therapist offered NONE of the insight(s) given in this video. 0! I was doing most of the corroborating for her. This was super helpful, thank you!

[msnurse]

Very insightful! Do you have a video on how to disrupt those toxic foundation patterns? How to break up those patterns? Real life examples? And attract good healthy people. Thank you for you!

[northwestpacific]

You are totally brilliant. Thank you for these incredible videos. You have changed my life getting me passed obstacles I've been dealing with my whole life. I've been to 1000's of hours of counseling and even just one of your videos has shown to be more rich with wisdom and above all reassurance than all of that! You are awesome!!! Thank you Alan!!!

[samanthaelliott]

Alan thank you thank you! Turn 50 this year and have worked so hard on myself over the years. Books, groups, therapy. However I am STILL stuck in unproductive patterns with my choice of partner. Whilst I am lucky enough to have a very skilled therapist who discourages the type of romantic analysis or 'theories' that are guessing games (as you describe), it doesnt change the fact there is work for me to do. Gentle curiousity and a committment to asking what I want to manifest and moving towards that in a disciplined way is now my aim. This subject was beautifully approached and explained by you in this clip. EXTREMELY helpful. Good job....Sam x

[reg]

Really scares me to know I was abused and picked a partner who abused me

[MrSivansuresh]

I had loving mother but she was emotionally unstable in her relationships. My sister committed suicide. I was bullied in school, university and workplaces. These patterns reflect in my behaviour and in my relationships. I am 40 years old. I am not married. I never had fulfilling relationships.