Are you dealing with a narcissistic provocateur?

You know that person who always says the most outlandish, hurtful thing - then sits back with a smirk, just waiting for the reaction? That’s the narcissistic provocateur, and they’re everywhere right now, from social media to family gatherings to the workplace. They live for the fight, the attention, the chaos—but what happens if you don’t take the bait? Let’s break down who they are, why they do it, and the one power move that shuts them down. ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[MaidenBklyn]

My dad is a total narcissistic provocateur- a retired professor. He lives to outwit and dominate in a discussion. He will go to great lengths to justify his controversial stances. As soon as you start poking holes in his arguments, he starts to patronize you e.g. "you're so adorable with your naive ideas"...and when you keep poking the intellectual narc bear, he rages at you and tells your to "shut up!" because he cannot tolerate any "impertinence", or rather any fact based argument that usually makes more sense. And then I just smile and say "Gotta go, see ya!"...although once I've removed myself, I break into tears. I have since gone no contact.

[sparkygump]

My former sister in law is like that. She says a lot of mean, insensitive things in an attempt to start an argument. It's about control. They take advantage of your good graces to either establish dominance or drive people away.

Also, every single person like this I've met has at least one enabler behind them.

[esmereldaweatherwax]

Doctor Ramani, you have a beautiful soul. I offer you a sympathetic virtual hug.

[GailLaskowski-xq]

Ohhhh do i know that “smirk…” added with that, the evil stare down ….to dominate, intimidate and Try to instill Fear.

[elizabethl]

Once you snap, they feel justified in hating you. So getting you to react is a routine hustle for them, like a salesman getting you to sign. It also gets you to be mentally preoccupied with them, sucking the oxygen out of whatever you're supposed to be doing.

[misottovoce]

OMG...in 2018 I figured out that my deceased husband (of 11 years) was a narcissist, then learned (thanks to Dr. Ramani and others along the path) what a covert/vulnerable narcissist is (that was him) and then that this covert narcissist was another level more...a negligent covert narcissist (that was definitely him). And yes, he was a troublemaker, would say the most outlandish things all for the shocked attention he got and would smirk and gaslight. And he so loved to turn everything into a discussion or an argument. Now I've got the final verdict on him: a negligent covert provateur narcissist. My life has been wonderful and peaceful again since a little more than a year. Tears when he died...well yes. Tears of relief and joy. I had to 'fake' enough when he was alive, I won't fake grief about his demise.

[bbilgers]

My ex-husband was a malignant provocateur and a lawyer. He was a nightmare. His grandiosity was off the charts. He thought he could pay anyone or provoke anyone to do anything. Unfortunately, he was usually right. As his behavior escalated, he had more of a following! It was outrageous. I understand how that works now. I'm glad I'm out and that I made it out alive. My reputation, livelihood, health and future as I knew it, were destroyed. It takes a long time to rebuild. But I'm doing it. And he's still out there in a bar, in a courtroom, in his house, in massage parlors, in strip clubs and at family gatherings pontificating, spewing lies and doing the same old shit as the sycophants kiss his ring

[costelloandlizzievolk]

I have been cornered attacked and baited by narcissists, and can’t win no matter what I do or say. I defended myself protected others grey rocked disengaged kept boundaries etc..:but it doesn’t matter, they still behave horribly, so I just avoid them despite the enablers pressure to be around them. So tired of it all. Thank you for explaining Dr Ramani that it’s not me. ❤

[SreejaCv]

Perfect dear, just perfect. I was too young and ignorant to bear the provacation. Did a lot of damage to myself to prove he is wrong. But not anymore. These are the most dangerous, venomous ones who destroy every goodness in you. Your wisdom is helping. Thanks❤️❤️

[lynnebucher]

I've had 3 boyfriends who engaged in argument baiting. Would say totally off the wall shit just to upset me. I think that's sick and it's definitely not a sign of someone who feels love for you.

[tulanzuya]

After decades of interacting with all kinds of people online I learned that these hostile provocateurs can smell fear. If you try to argue with them indignantly or react as if offended you are inviting a very bad experience. Not engaging is good advice I think; but they will often turn tail and run if they find they can't get a rise out of you even with the worst insults. They really hate it if they think they have only managed to bore you with their most savage attacks, or if they see you maintain good humor despite their attempts to crush you. I actually have fun dealing with them these days and don't even have to lower myself to their level to do it. It's a great skill to learn - and boy did I go through that learning process!

[ForceVGeneral]

Not giving my narcissistic family the attention they want out of me is the challenge Im facing now.. and it’s been great so far. These videos definitely helped. 👍

[sreed]

Years ago, before I knew more than I'd ever want to know about narcissism, a co-worker was like this to many others. Best way to deal with her- ignore or state the truth matter of factly and walk away. Harder to do with someone you live with-a work in progress. Thanks, Dr. Ramani. I look forward to your wisdom every day.😊

[smudgecan]

This is so helpful for this time in history! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!

[zacblake]

I just came out of a situation and it may end a friendship of 45 years. It's ridiculously trivial, but it's also, the last straw. Over the years I've been friends with her, and she was back then a sort of, not quite mean girl who could be nice on occasion but slip right back to her mean girl role when needed (to keep up the status in highschool). Somehow we reconnected as adults and for a while it worked. Until the meanness also came back.

Fast forward now, she is less successful than I, but for some reason, needs to dig in to whatever I say -- an art exhbit, a new, exciting store I discovered. You name, she's been there, done it, wore the T... and also manages to say it in a manner as if though I were a hunchback Cinderella who crawled out of a hole in the ground, slobbering and mentally slow.

So today, i told her to lower her tone. No reply -- and I'm not expecting any, nor an apology. But... I am done, she can take that entitlement and live her best. I;ll do the same.

[elizarock]

Excellent timing for the video, I’ve had to avoid being dragged in to the mud, luckily saw the signs a fight was being picked over nothing instead of justifying myself and wasting hours of my life.

[Buckley-qkfq]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.

They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.

An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction

They give you what you asked for, BUT

[muertinix]

Oh my god I HAD a "friend" that fits the exact description and would do all of the things you talked about and more. I put him in his place a couple of times and other times I just let him talk himself into the whole room hating him. I cut them off of my life a long time ago, not worth keeping someone like that around.

[Freedom--now]

Dr Ramani is so enlightening. I did not even know this was a thing. My husband and his mother say appalling things and sit back smirking waiting for someone to take them on. My MIL Told my eldest daughter who was 21/2 years old that after my second baby was born we weren't going to love her anymore. Right in front of me after a traumatic labor and delivery. Thank heavens I was on pain meds and I thought I misheard her. My husband confirmed what she said later but said nothing at the time she said it. He does the same thing to me -25 years of this bullshit

[MandyGerrans-su]

YES, YES!!!!
My ex was ALWAYS poking me into arguing with him!!
I kick myself that I did respond so often as I did, but gradually I realised he was finding joy in my anger!!
Thank you Dr Ramini ❤