Autism ACTUALLY Speaking: Eye Contact

This week I discuss eye contact when it comes to Autistics.

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[elizabethloughney]

I've found that when I try to make eye contact I end up accidentally staring them down and making them uncomfortable 😂

[pepsi]

i don't understand how not making eye contact can make people think you're not listening. I can't understand what someone is saying if I look in their eyes, I can't hear or focus on the words and their meaning because all I can think is "this is weird" "this is uncomfortable" and freak out because its too much

[Takedownman]

I look at right above their eyes, so they believe I am looking at them... lol

[nakyer]

"For me eye contact does take a lot of energy."
Thank you for this.
I'd have said it as "...takes a lot out of me".
I'm not sure anyone understands, not even people who've been told I'm on the spectrum.
You DO serve a great purpose in making these videos, Nathan. Again, thank you.
*EDIT-*
Depending on the distance the person is from me, I can stare at their shoulder or a necktie knot (or their collar), but the forehead? Don't know I've ever tried that.
Naturally, now I'm going to try. 8)

[clareshoup]

I'm 24 and I'm currently wearing a t shirt that I got as a hand-me-down when I was 10.

[patdgal]

I'm almost blind without my glasses so I just look over my glasses and see a blob instead of a face.

[HopeHendershot-Moskal]

1. Bless you for referencing Tamatoa... he's my favorite Disney villain. 
2. I too look at people's nose when I talk to them. Looking them in the eye makes me uncomfortable.
3. I actually do still wear clothes from high school, because they still fit, I feel bad if I give stuff away, and I'm too poor to buy new clothes all the time.

[HappyHoney]

'Look at me when I am talking to you!' I heard that so much when I was a kid, that I'll be interacting with someone, and that phrase pops into my head. So I look at them in the eye briefly. Look at the eyes for a second, then look down and talk, then look at their eyes for another second. I try to think of conversation like a waltz. They talk, and I look at their eye, then I talk. I really can't get the timing down; but I try to cycle through. I look at their mouths, like lip reading; if I am really trying to focus on what they are saying. Mostly I just look down.

[ECampbell]

I sometimes give too much eye contact. Too much eye contact freaks people out apparently. So finding a good balance can be difficult, but I work on it...

[Daniel-vlmx]

I make a conscious effort to look at people's eyes. I have worked out that about 3 seconds is about right, to strike a balance between looking shifty and pinning them with a predator stare. It is a sort of dance, as I give them the three seconds, trying to time it with something they are saying, then look away as if considering, then back again. As well as taking some conscious effort to get the timing right, and make it look natural, it is physically hard to look into their eyes. It feels like they can see right inside.

And yet at the same time I don't see anything there myself, in other people's eyes. If they are windows to the soul well, their curtains are drawn to me.

[LeoDamascusVG]

There's another problem with the whole eye contact thing I'd like to share with you. When I was in first grade back in first grade (before Asperger's Syndrome was added to the DSM in 1994), I had somebody tell me about the importance of eye contact and teach me the nose trick for making eye contact. As a result, eye contact was never a problem for me growing up. Later, I went to a private high school that required a full psych eval before admition to make sure they could provide support for any disabilities (this happened when Asperger's Syndrome was diagnosable). Because I'd already been learning masking techniques like the eye contact thing, they said while I showed autistic symptoms, it wasn't enough to warrant a diagnosis. The good news is that my best friend at that high school actually was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, so I at least became aware of the diagnosis.

Flash forward to college. Because I'm in the spectrum and undiagnosed, I'm having a really hard time (not able to attend the math lab and consequently failing out of calculus, struggling with my university's testing center giving us a fixed time to work while holding still crammed into a room full of people, etc.). Because I had a friend with aspergers, I looked up the symptoms and started thinking, "Hang on, this sounds a lot like me." So I go to my university's accessibility center to see if they know how to get me evaluated. They assign a grad student to work with me, who runs me through ADHD testing which comes up negative (because I don't have ADHD), and then tells me I can't have Asperger's because I make too much eye contact. I figure he must know what he's talking about or they wouldn't have assigned him to evaluate me.

Flash forward again. I'm 31, Asperger's Syndrome has been rolled into the combined Autism Spectrum Disorders diagnosis, and I've long since flunked out of college and had nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown costing me every job I've been in. I've been seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist to treat social anxiety disorder, and getting nowhere with either one. At one point, they both in succession ask if I'd ever been evaluated for Asperger's. I told my psychiatrist the story about the grad student, and he says, "Yeah, I'm going to recommend you be evaluated by an actual expert." So he sent me to somebody who specializes in autism. This guy runs me through testing that feels similar to what they did back in high school, but nothing like the university testing. And when he's done, he decides I most definitely have Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 (which he makes a point of pointing out that he would have been an Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis if he'd been diagnosing me before 2013). So I start researching how to fix problems caused by autism. I learn about the executive dysfunction, and how scheduling can help with that. I learn about sensory sensitivity, and start wearing noise cancelling headphones or ear plugs to loud places. And I learn other tricks as well. Suddenly, I start making psychological progress.

I'm not perfect. My resumé basically means I'm unemployable now, and so I don't have a job. But I was finally able to finish my degree, and I can at least get myself to function with taking care if myself now. But looking back at that history, I can't help but wonder if I would have had 20 years less suffering if I hadn't learned to look at people's noses when I talk to them. Because that way maybe they'd have caught my diagnosis earlier. I do think the eye contact thing is very misunderstood, though, and I'm confident that if that grad student hadn't rejected the possibility of Asperger's based on my not struggling with eye contact that I'd have had a much easier time at life.

To go off on a tangent, I also wish I had understood the importance of validating self diagnosis, because if instead of seeking evaluation I'd been looking up how to help myself treat issues caused by Asperger's Syndrome, I might have done better in school as well because of that. One thing's for sure. I get really upset when people say autism is over diagnosed, because I know its locking people like me away from (if you'll excuse the unfortunate and unintended symbolism in metaphor) the missing puzzle piece to their own identity and success.

[ivellios_]

I have co-morbidity with Central Auditory Processing Disorder so there are times when I just can't process what someone is saying. I'll end up watching their mouths and trying to pick up on context clues to decipher what is being said to me.

[creaturesofmars]

I relate to this so much eye contact makes me feel so uncomfterble I usually look at there nose or forehead or little details in there face

[beachbum]

Exceptional :) The comments below include much that is fun and quirky, worth a read :) I found this Vid' very insightful, helpful, and again "Fun" vastly more helpful than a dry consult with a pro. (perhaps yet to come?) I'm 75 and just did what I'll call the simple Aspergers test (starts at 29, I scored 27) suddenly lots in my life makes way more sense... :)

[gonnfishy]

why is it a “thing” that WE have to go to lengths to feign eye contact? can’t the quivering brain ND’s develop skills to work through conversations where the eye contact is not present?

[lalaillustrator]

Do you and Jess make eye-contact with each other? My boyfriend and I are on the spectrum and we make eye contact sometimes and for me it’s really intimate! I will do it with 1 or 2 close friends too or when having a moment with someone. But as far as day to day conversations, and small talk, making eye contact feels like getting naked in front of that person, so I look at various points on their faces instead or just don’t make eye contact by keeping my hands and eyes busy on a task while we talk (drawing was always a major coping mechanism with that, and I’m not becoming an illustrator)

[misis_ennaile]

This. This is AMAZING! And this the most relatable thing I have seen in a long time!! Thank you!
My sister and I watched this video together and we are both on the spectrum and we think it was really, really, really like really relatable 👌🏼😂

[nikolateslaize]

It hit so close to home when you said if you still wear your And I am 39 years old :) Regarding to eye contact, I also look at the forehead. But still I get tired and finally I start to look anywhere else. But my job is philosophy so I assume many people think that I contemplate while I speak :)

[cherylcarlson]

Whoa, you mean I am not normal because I wore my sock- it -to-me sweatshirt and HS gym shorts til I was 32???? When my now 29 yo was very little and babysitter wigged out when he didn't make eye contact I coached him to focus on eyebrows... are they even, plucked, fluffy?He may not recognize faces but he knows you by your eyebrows. He has certain colors he gets as shirts so when one dies he can seamlessly replace it... of course that looks like he is wearing the same clothes for months on end but...if he comes up missing I can confidently say what he was wearing.

[ILoveAstronomy]

So as a NT, I use the unibrow bridge as my focal point. When I was much younger I would look at whatever plain, flat surface was in front of me when I was in conversation. Whenever I was looking up I would become visually distracted by various stimuli in my environment. To decrease the "your not paying attention" statements, I made it a habit to stare at the unibrow bridge for 5 secs then back to the flat surface in front of me. It kept me "looking" involved and decreased me becoming sidetracked by visual stimuli. Although when it comes to learning a new language, I have to practice articulating with my eyes closed. Just focus with my hearing and speech. Focus on the feel of me articulating in another language. I don't know why, but this makes the learning process easier for me.


I never harass my AS brother nor AS boyfriend for eye contact. They provide that whenever they feel comfortable. So when they do give eye contact for prolonged periods at me without provocation I feel very happy.



And I still wear a few old shirts from HS and I'm in my 30s. If it's not broke, don't fix it. X'D