Improve Your Communication Skills: Simple Tips, Killer Results

This video teaches you how to develop your communication skill across all situations by improving your map of the social world.

Skip to 15:20 if all you want is the exercises.

Related Blog Entries:

We’d all like to improve our communication skills. The best example of natural improvement is what happens to kids as they grow up.

But as they mature, they get better fast.

KIDS IMPROVE THEIR COMMUNICATION SKILLS BY ENRICHING THEIR MAP OF THE SOCIAL WORLD
What drives improvement in communication skill from childhood to adulthood is the development of a detailed, abstract, and integrated map of the social world.

Think of communication as navigation. The social world is full of landmines, hidden obstacles, threats, and opportunities. A rich and detailed representation of the world functions as a map that lets us navigate around these obstacles so we can get safely to our destination. As our maps of the social world get more detailed, we get better and better at navigating and maneuvering.

The theory that describes the development of these mental maps is called constructivism. The main idea is that each of us has a mental map of the the social world. This map is made up of interpersonal constructs.

Constructs are dimensions for representing social situations and other people. Each dimension is anchored by two adjectives, e.g., kind/cruel, patient/impatient, short/tall, honest/dishonest, generous/greedy, etc.

As we mature, our maps of the social world improve in three ways.

We acquire more constructs, so our representations have more detail. The constructs become more abstract, e.g., from short/tall to conformist/bohemian; and the constructs become more interconnected (e.g., he is respectful, but only to powerful people).

As our maps of social world become more detailed, more abstract, and more integrated, we become more skillful as communicators.

What makes great communicators great is not that they have memorized scripts about what to say in every situation. What makes them great is their ability to see the social world in high resolution and in technicolor. The skilled communicator sees opportunities and possibilities, as well as threats and risks, that the less skillful communicator never even notices.

HOW TO IMPROVE?
The key to improving your own communication skills is to improve your representations of the social world.

-- Study lists of descriptive adjectives (e.g., bohemian, pensive, deliberative, ponderous). Learn what they mean.
-- Learn their opposites (e.g., introspective/shallow).
-- With each person in your life, ask yourself whether the adjective applies to them.
-- Read more Jane Austen novels or other literary fiction.
-- Cultivate a curiosity about other people's interior lives: their plans, their goals, their intentions, their thoughts, and their feelings.

MEASURING COMMUNICATION SKILL
One of the most studied measures of communication skill asks people to think of one person they know well and like and one person they know well and dislike and then, in no more than 5 minutes each, to describe them in as much detail as possible.

A less skilled communicator might produce a description like this (these are both real examples):

“Kind, intelligent, passionate”

A highly skilled communicator might produce a description like this:

“amazing, intelligent, kind, loving, accepting of all, great mother and grandmother. always says and does the right things. supportive, interested and interesting. never too much to ask. growing old and wiser in a very graceful way. accepting of change and diversity. rarely slows down and always there for others. self sacrificing and confident. does not sweat the small things. always dressed perfectly but comfortable in anything. Never met a stranger. best friend to all. loved and respected and admired by her peers and students and their families. invited to every event and more weddings than imaginable. Throws best parties, dinners, sleep-overs and bonfires. Best grandmother ever. loving and devoted wife for over 40 years. best travel friend....”

Counting up the number of different adjectives people use in these descriptions turns out to be a valid and reliable way of measuring communication skill.

The person who produced the second description sees the social world in high resolution technicolor. The person who produced the first description has a much less detailed map of the social world.

We shouldn’t be surprised when the person who produced the second impression also tends to produce better messages, and is a more skillful communicator in general.

[jazminrl]

To improve: 1) For every person that you meet ask yourself how are they feeling broadening your feeling vocabulary, check posture face 2) Get another person's perspective what they want goals, their plans & intentions 3) Learn new adjectives to describe other people. See resources on video description.

[joycemartin]

Interesting comment about Jane Austen. My daughter struggled socially all through school so books became her friend. By the time college rolled around she said she was ready because, her words, she had already encountered a multitude of situations and outcomes from the books she read. Incidentally, Jane Austen was a favorite.

[asalane]

Even Shakespeare recognized that brevity was the soul of wit. And he was one of the most cognitively complex communicators who ever lived. Being verbose does not necessarily increase one's accuracy or grace as a communicator.

[ovidiudrobota]

The issue is that I'm painfully awkward. I'm also self-conscious when being around people. When I try to talk to people, I get tense inside — they become so uncomfortable around me. I want to overcome this.

[carolynmcglinchey]

Very helpful. One interesting aspect of it? When I tested my own cognitive complexity using the guidelines, I used all positive adjectives for a liked person, and a mixture of positive and negative adjectives for a disliked person. This shows me there isn’t much separating the liked from the disliked which means I can apply more tolerance around people I dislike.

[CapitolYaSa]

Unbelievably helpful concepts to learn. This stuff is gold- wish I could have learned about it much earlier. Thank you for publishing this high level content broken down for less sophisticated ppl like me to understand… I don’t have to recreate the “communication wheel”!

[Eduardonico]

This video makes a lot of sense and is very useful information... Could you imagine for a minute to have to develop these skills in your second language in a culture different to yours. Welcome to my world.

[SanguineUltima]

"We're not all created equal." Thank you for saying the truth that dare not speak its name. Despite time and again trying to self improve, I fear my poor genetics and upbringing has doomed me to a life of introversion, alienation, and solitude. I appreciate what you're trying to do but I'm not sure I can really benefit. I'm defective, worthless, broken, and I wish I was never born.

[loripinello]

Such good stuff!! These talks provide opportunities to increase our skills for interacting in our social worlds. Wish these kinds of skills would be taught starting in kindergarten.

[joyceychang]

For the question you asked in the end, the first person I thought of is my son. He often sees right through me. He seems to have high cognitive complexity.

[PracticalInspiration]

Another excellent video. Your points on cognitive complexity is outstanding, some fantastic points to learn from

[xANAKALIAx]

So helpful and practical tips to use in the real world. Can’t wait to do the homework to improve my skills. :)

[DarrenChen]

Amazing insightful and helpful! I feel like there is an opportunity here for an additional video to expand how to implement these theories in our own lives. I'll be reading Fromm and Rommel. Both this talk and your other talk about Face threatening acts transformed my year 2023. Thanks Bruce! 🙏😇

[marystele]

Enjoy your videos. You have verygood co!munication skills. Friendly manner, Positive, direct, straight to the point, common sense remarks and good examples which people can relate to.

You don"t waste words.

Well done Mr Lambert!!
👍

[omnificent]

My appreciation💙
Would you please make a video about the topic no one did in my experience...the elegant speed of talking when communicating.
What I observed the last years in almost 85% of conversations and presentations in social media is like a speed talking contest...

[vikassingh]

Thank you Sir for your videos. Your videos are really fantastic backed by research and facts. Please keep uploading more videos.

[tammynichols]

I really appreciate you and I am going to improve my social skills, I really need help 911

[angelgrayson]

Very helpful information. I wish his list of adjectives was still available 😊.

[aladarmezga]

Thank you! I will put some Jane Austin books on my shopping list

[estheramedzro]

Thank you. Dr. Alex Lyon recommended your channel.