AITAH for Leaving My Dad’s Birthday After Overhearing My Sister’s Comment About My Miscarirage?

AITAH for Leaving My Dad’s Birthday Dinner After Overhearing My Sister’s Comment About My Miscarriage?
A few months ago, my sister Eva and I discovered we were both pregnant. Eva had been struggling with infertility for years, so the whole family was thrilled for her. I have a 2-year-old son with my husband, so this would’ve been my second child.

Sadly, I lost my baby a couple of weeks ago. When we told my family, they were supportive, but I found myself pulling away from everyone. They tried not to mention Eva’s pregnancy around me, but I didn’t want to overshadow her joy. This was something she had wanted for so long. At the same time, being around her reminded me of my loss, so I kept my distance. I haven’t attended our usual Sunday family dinners or spent much time with Eva since.

Yesterday, my parents were hosting a birthday dinner for my dad. I’ve been missing my family and felt like I was finally ready to see them again. While the pain of losing my baby hasn’t gone away, I thought I could set it aside to support Eva and celebrate my dad.

We ended up arriving about an hour late because we had to get a gift, and my son had a bit of a tantrum. When we got there, I wished my dad a happy birthday and went to the kitchen, where my mom, Eva, and my sisters-in-law were.

Before stepping in, I heard them talking about me. My mom said something like, “Well, I guess [OP]’s not coming,” and Eva responded, “What did you expect? She probably changed her mind and is just staying home again. Honestly, I’m sorry for her, but you’d think she was the first woman to ever lose a kid. And it’s not even her first.”

They moved on to other topics, but I was frozen in place, hurt by Eva’s words. I turned around and found my husband in the living room with my dad and brothers. I told my dad I was really sorry, but we needed to leave. My dad protested, but my husband saw how upset I was and supported my decision. We got our son and left.

When we got home, I broke down and cried. My husband was furious when I told him what Eva had said, but he thought leaving abruptly might have made things worse. He pointed out that my dad had been looking forward to seeing us and our son wanted to spend time with his cousins.

Later that evening, my brother texted me. He told me my dad was really upset about us leaving, and it caused a fight at dinner. My mom and Eva realized I must’ve overheard their conversation, and my dad was mad about it. My brother said it turned into a mess and that I should’ve stayed to avoid all the drama since Eva hadn’t meant for me to hear it. He added that everyone was just frustrated because I’ve been so distant lately.

Now, I feel guilty for ruining my dad’s dinner. What Eva said was deeply hurtful, but I wonder if my actions—distancing myself and leaving abruptly—contributed to her frustration. Maybe I should’ve talked to her privately instead of walking out.

So, AITA?

[tahirahbanks]

NTA If you stayed and said something, then they would have had a problem with that because it was an inappropriate time. No matter what you did, they would have had a problem with you.

[patriciagalvin]

Call your dad and take him to lunch or dinner. Don't invite your mom. Bring hubby and child. Do something he likes. Go bowling, pool, car show ect.

[shawnaclemens]

Just because you aren't the "first" woman to have a miscarriage doesn't mean you weren't still in mourning. If your sister can't understand that, there's something wrong with her, not you.

[Caria]

Update: This update is mostly about a few different conversations that I had.

I took your suggestions and called my dad, apologizing for leaving early. He completely understood. We talked a bit and he asked if we could go out to lunch this week because he missed seeing me, so we made plans.

Then, I talked to my husband and told him that I didn’t think I could’ve stayed and still thought leaving was the best thing for us. He apologized for invalidating my feelings and said he would’ve liked for us to spend time with family but not at the cost of my mental wellbeing. He offered to call my brother (not the one who texted me) to set up a playdate for our son with his kids so my son could see some of his cousins, which I appreciated.

Later, my mom called (I guess my dad told her we talked) and she apologized for taking so long to call, saying she felt ashamed and didn’t know how to talk to me. She said she wouldn’t have let Eva say that if they’d known I was there and that she didn’t mean it. Eva has been hormonal and frustrated, and my mom thought calling her out at that point would've just made things worse. She felt terrible for hurting my feelings. I thanked her for the apology but told her I needed more time before meeting her.

After this, Eva texted me, and I wanted to hear her out, so I called. She apologized a lot and emphasized that she didn’t mean it and regretted saying it, attributing it to the same thing my mom had. Apparently she and BIL also had a big fight about it when they got home, which delayed her talking to me.

We had a long conversation, in which she confessed that she had a few early miscarriages before they even told us she was pregnant. But she felt she had to keep smiling through it, which made her slightly resent how I was handling my situation. I told her I was hurting and keeping my distance so she could enjoy her pregnancy. She felt bad for misunderstanding and thinking I was shutting everyone out. I assured her that this wasn’t the case; I hadn’t let anyone in, and with her being pregnant, it was tough for me. I wished her luck but told her I hoped she could understand why I didn’t think I could be there with her. She was sad but agreed.

We talked more, and by the end, things were better. I texted my family group chat with a long message about how I was feeling and why I would be taking space from meetups, because I feel I need it after this. While the apologies eased my mind and I can see myself forgiving them in the future, I am still hurting, and I think right now, I need to spend time with my husband and son and handle my grief with a professional.

Thank you all again for reading this, and I hope this answers your questions about what happened next. Hope you all have a fantastic day!

[twiceshy]

Oh gee, the family was "frustrated" cos she's been "distant"??! With a family like that, I wouldn't want to grieve around them either. And the flying monkey brother can screw off, along with the mom and sister, they all owe OP an apology. So glad her husband had her back....maybe they could take the dad out for dinner alone together?? At least he seems to actually care about her wellbeing

[sandrasutherland]

You are NEVER required to stay any place that you are uncomfortable.

[juliebrown]

Absolutely NTA OP. Your extended family are toxic AH. How os there behavior in anyway supportive. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, but what Eva and your mom said was cruel and heartless. You had every right to not want to be in the company of such heartless people. If your dad wants to blame anyone for ruining his birthday, it should be his toxicly cruel wife and daughter in law for making light of his daughter's devastating loss.

[lindadenneypu]

Ive lost 7 babys u were alot nicer than i would have been about what ya sister said

[JoyceJones-jq]

Eva does not determine how long you grieve. She really crude and thoughtless. Just see your dad privately but take as much time as you need from Eva.

[ELKENT-nzbr]

NTA but Eva is for talking behind your back. She is heartless. Your mom and SILs should have put her in her place but since they didn't they are just as bad.
Take your Dad out without your Mom or anyone else

[JulieHall-qb]

NTA. If it would have been me. I would have blown my stack. And told them thanks so much for all the support.

[Noonereally]

How dare somebody hear something insensitive and offensive I said behind their back

[lisasims]

It shouldn't have been said. And no matter if it's your first or fifth child, it still hurts

[Makio_Uzui]

NTA, if they want to talk about you being your back, and aren’t prepared for you to hear it then they shouldn’t be saying that, I wouldn’t have left I would have started a fight, you handled that better than I would have done mate

[MarkHenderson-bzpe]

Speak to your dad, tell them how you feel what you are feeling is valid

[YayazKitchen]

No one can tell you how to hurt for a loss or how long to hurt. Your family should be more understanding to this.Talk to your father and plan a meal with him and your child.Then talk to your family member who made the comments. And take your time and be at peace.

[victoriacervantes]

I am sorry for your loss. Your sister and mother are toxic, really toxic. Your sister should have understood what you are going through. Also, she seems ungrateful to be a mom.

[Dobbyisfree]

Tell me your family treats you like a doormat without telling me they treat you like a doormat.

[jackolantern]

Her emotions and actions are not your responsibility. How you react to this can in no way be judged by her. That famous quote, “you have no say in how I fix what you broke”

[FestivalFacePaintArtist]

She could apologize, geez. That was a real callous thing to say.