Dating as an INTJ

Explaining the experience of dating as a 35 year old INTJ.

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[christineg]

I'm a 60 y/o female INTJ and I can totally relate to every single thing that you have said. I was very lonely in my 30s for all of the reasons that you have expressed until I met my "forever person" at age 35. I knew within a few weeks that he was the person for me. He's an ENTJ and we are a great pair, married 24 years and going strong. Don't give up. There are lot's of great partners out there for you.

[helenshianimation]

I am an ENTP, I do get on really well with INFPs, but I can confirm that INTJs care way more about others than INFPs do. When I was at my worst, I tried telling many people about my problems, but this INTJ was the only person who really listened to my problems and gave good advise without any judgments.

[ghostinthesand]

As a female INTJ, i can relate to all this hands down a 100%. A life struggle but i'm comfortable being on my own. It sucks at times but better than wasting my time with someone who doesn't value or understand how i do things. I'm by no means a perfect INTJ, far from it. I'm still working on my flaws as far as expressing my internalized feelings and understanding others needs. These vids definitely give me insight as to how i can improve and of course not think like i'm the only one going through this.

[ishyameru]

Dating as an INTJ… something I’ve actively avoided since the last time we won’t speak of

[SeaofSpears]

I can't remember the last time I felt the need to comment on a Youtube video. I'm an INTJ, and your words resonated with me. Do I want to express those feelings externally? No. But I do want to say that I feel I've been heard, which is extremely rare for me personally. Interpersonal relationships are inherently difficult when you value time with yourself so highly.

Anyway, good luck on your journey man. The right person will either come along, or they won't. The best option is to live our best life by ourselves and hope that we exist in one of the universes where it works out to a satisfactory degree.

[aiuchiha]

My INTJ friend shared this with me. Now I am even more motivated to take care of and respect my INTJ friends' baby Fi.
You're one of my favourite people here, Jon, and I believe in the goodness of your destiny. You will meet your forever person, it makes my heart glow to find people who also have this "forever" ideal as me💖.
Don't worry, I will make sure to take care of fellow INTJs for you😊😊😊
- Sincerely, an INFJ

[missnerd]

INFJ here. I recently got into a relationship with an INTJ. For both of us it's the best thing we ever came across. You will find your forever person ❤

[elizabethstandard]

DON'T PANIC! because the clock is ticking. As an INTP female, I had such a rotten time with romantic relationships before 40 that I gave it all up and became a cynical celibate for a decade. But then I turned 50 and everything changed. I met 3 fantastic guys in a row, the last I was with for 11 years. All these guys remain close friends. Now I'm just turning 71 and I still have a twinkle in my eye. I am growing, learning and maturing all the time and still have a another good 20 years at least to go. I think the trick is to eat as healthy as you can and stay in shape and this will fuel your optimism. Yes, as an INTP, I also feel like a mind that happens to own a body and it can be a chore to look after it, but the rewards are enormous, especially on your outlook and attitude. So, forget the time, just stay focused on becoming the awesome super-person you are meant to be. I call it ageing disgracefully!

[ssll]

As an INFP, this is why I always used to clash with my INFJ mom. Having my Fi always ignored made me feel worse growing up, especially as an immature INFP teen. Now I am mature and get along the best with INTJs. I am dating an INTJ right now. He's great. We both listen to each other and respect each other's views. I have learnt to not take things he says personally. I know they come from good intentions. He is a very kind person.

[FlyUEx]

infp here.. You need to know something: as a infp who is now quite mature (41) and deep on the self development path, I do hear your words loud and clear! I had dated intj in my 20s and ..as you with your infp relationship, we also broke up cause of my moaning and emotional vent and not doing much action abut myself..- he just grew tired of that. That relationship was my true love, though. Today, i so wish i could have been different back then and see things from his point of view and how that affected him.. but hey, we all learn. All I can say, don't lose hope. women who are older, even the feelers, do mature and get their T function in the right spot. All the best for you, really appreciated your video. Thank you for sharing it.

[bekkifromwisconsin]

"You have to be able to compete with my love of being alone". I have said versions of this in the past. My friends think it's funny. Partly because they know how honest it is.

[yfaewwegfawg]

INTJ male here, more seriously, the main problem is being honest with my own nature of still wanting affection and intimacy. If I could logic my way out of it and put it beneath me and look down on it, I totally would. But I still have emotions.

What I am doing now is becoming the best version of myself. But the key thing is that socialization, community, and acts of service are part of this, not just my solo goals. Being around people you are comfortable (and uncomfortable) with really helps keep down the ni-fi loops with dating. If I meet women I like doing my thing, then great; I'd love to meet someone naturally who is already involved in the things I am. If not, then whatever.

We're INTJs, our fictional characters are the most badass people ever. Look at Bruce Wayne, he can actually do everything. No one is perfect, but INTJs can damn well get close. A strategic mind enables us to quite literally work on finance, emotional health, physical health, passion projects, social life, community, acts of service, and dating if you want to, all at the same time with a ruthlessly consistent effort. If that's not attractive in dating, then nothing ever will be. Better to live a fulfilled life in peace than participate in modern dating misandry and misogyny.

[lalune]

51 female INFJ here. Respect for spilling out your heart for us online. It was also genuinely interesting to hear you talk about your dating issues with INFJ females. I would appreciate if you elaborate in a follow up video. I always love to learn sth new. Thanks for your videos!

[kristenscott]

As an ENFP involved in a failing relationship with an INTJ it's incredibly helpful to hear your perspective. Thanks

[LaylaDylan-chfp]

" Are you done recharging? " bro THIS IS not how it works 😂, I've faced so many time to this question 😂

[hanchs]

My partner is an intj male and we’ve been together for 8 years now (Gahh!). No relationship is perfect indeed and I think sometimes we just need to accept each other’s differences. It’s also very important to set boundaries and give each other space when needed. Overall, I’m very happy to be with my serious yet secretly goofy intj partner and look forward to our future. Good luck! - isfp :D

[mumm-ratheeverliving]

Here’s the thing. Thinking back on a horrible marriage that lasted for waaaay too long…. Even in that relationship, it was one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

Now that I’m single, I’m appreciating the peace that comes with the loneliness. It took a while, especially when being completely trampled for so long. Hang in there, thanks for sharing. Definitely a lot to chew on in here.

[coldxois]

I am so happy that you got a large amount of people following you and your videos, i remember when it was less people, i hope you find love in your life, im 38 so it is a hell finding someone when you are reaching your 40s

[SreyesSrinivasan]

What you said about how Te can be just as kind as Fe is so true
And as a fellow INTJ, explaining my unbalanced relationships with INFJs in my life just clicked when you mentioned them not validating your Fi
Honestly your videos are so so comforting, pls keep uploading and I really hope you'll be able to find your special someone 💙

[agent]

I've thought about it a lot, but the issue tends to be that we have a predisposition for a life of abstraction. Not just INTJ's but types like INTP's as well.

What I mean by that is that we want to maximize the usage of our Ni and Te (our mind, planning systems, introspection) and we find the sensory quite useless (the body, activities with no goal, cooking 3 hours to eat for 2 minutes) which leads us to abstract things like science, engineering, philosophy, etc.

This makes it hard to connect in relationships because it's like we are a mind that owns a body, while most people are bodies. Most people just aren't spending the insane time we spend on thinking and abstraction. The majority views connecting as physical intimacy, having fun, partying and such, but we crave a mental intimacy, like a merging of two databases - where we share what we're thinking, and compare it with what someone else has been thinking.

If you enter a relationship where someone just couldn't be bothered with what you've been thinking about, there's no connection for either of you. You want to spend all your time reading Schopenhauer and programming, you wake up with a mission, they wake up wanting to feel good, to spend time going out on dates. This ends up with a relationship where they feel like they're dating a spy, because the INTJ is always doing something in complete isolation with headphones on. The INTJ seems reluctant to do "relationship" things with them, go out in public, even though the INTJ considers that time spent as a huge gift for the partner because they sacrificed valuable time to do it... Relationships typically end when that dynamic appears.

It only works if you sacrifice your true motivations to appease your partner because you value them even if you don't like taking time away from your thing. Another way it could work is if you find another INTJ INTP/etc. that really understands you, which is what I thought romance was, two people who understand each other, heading towards a goal, but together, where the priority isn't entertainment but just getting along and sharing company while you both read books or chase a dream - incredibly rare, but it would be ideal.

For the slightly unhealthier INTJ's, they just swallow some occasional loneliness while charging forward and dedicating life to interests. Regardless, it's very interesting experiencing this narrow slice of existence, and no doubt whatever we choose to do will definitely be a unique experience.