What Is It to Be Emotionally Mature: Part One

FURTHER READING

“Emotional maturity is a state few of us ever reach - or at least not for very long. But it may help us to try to lay out what some of the ingredients are so that we have an idea what we might aim for:

If we were to grow into emotionally mature people, this is some of what we would have learnt how to be:

- We would understand the key role of self-understanding in helping us to grow into more reliable and predictable partners, parents, friends and colleagues. Our greatest ambition would be to reach a heightened understanding of our own minds.
- We would constantly be aware of not being able to complete more than a fraction of this elevated goal and would hence be deeply cautious in all our assertions and conclusions. ‘Sorry’, ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’ would be some of our favourite words.
- We would recognise what unfaithful allies our conscious minds are for the project of self-discovery; how much of us wants to know ourselves and how very much more doesn’t want to in the least. We would be humbled by the strength of our inclinations to distraction and denial.
- We would properly realise that we were going to die and would put this terrifying thought to use on a daily basis to nudge us towards greater appreciation, authenticity and focus. It would help us to say, at points, and at last, ‘no.’
- We would realise, with considerable dark humour, that we were fools. We are idiots now, we were idiots then and we will be idiots tomorrow. There are few other options for a human being.
- We would shed our pride; we would realise how much we constantly misunderstand - and never more so than when we begin to have faith in our competence and sanity.
- We would acknowledge the influence of the body on the mind. We may sink into existential despair not because there is anything objectively tragic at hand, but because we are in urgent need of an orange juice or missed out on an hour of sleep.
- We would respect the art of diplomacy and the importance of politeness; we would acknowledge the surprising thought that other people may be just as easily hurt as we are.
- We would learn, painfully, to use language to give those around us an indication of what is at play within us. We wouldn't hold it against them that they didn't understand things we had never bothered to teach them.
- We would realise how much others long for warmth and reassurance and would be less inhibited about offering those two very serious categories of gifts: cosiness and sweetness.
- We would acknowledge that it was impossible to be friends with, or liked by, everyone. Attempting to please universally ultimately only leads to offending many; we would know how to disappoint frankly and quickly to avoid drawn-out appeasement.
- We would feel more carefree at the idea of being strange. Public opinion would matter less, because we would have seen enough of the shallowness and reflex moralism of crowds. This would be our one life, we would know; and we would have the courage to be oddballs where we needed to be.
- We would take our own boredom as a guide. Everyone else might declare it a brilliant book or an extraordinary play. We might toss it aside or walk out.

This is some of what we might think and feel if we ever became those paragons of true intelligence: emotionally mature people.”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Hannah O’Brien

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[trinaq]

"So do not ignore your emotions. Instead, recognize them, step back to make sure they are not overpowering your ability to act, and determine how you can channel them to act in a productive manner. If you are able to do this, you will become a master of emotional maturity."
Charlotte Maloney

[pansyd]

In summary, we would:
1) Strive to know ourselves better
2) Be humble in our opinions and assertions, because self-knowledge is difficult to attain
3) Be mindful that this is because our conscious minds are easily distracted and prone to denial, and thus not very good at accessing unconscious parts of ourselves
4) Frequently remind ourselves of our mortality and use it as a source of focus, appreciation, and courage in daily life
5) Be aware that everyone, including ourselves, is often a bit silly
6) Be comfortable with our fallibility while having reasonable faith in our competence
7) Be conscious that our thoughts and feelings can be influenced by our physiological states (e.g. hunger, sleep deprivation)
8) Respect the importance of politeness, and strive to be considerate of other people
9) Nonetheless learn to express our inner thoughts and feelings accurately rather than expecting people to read our minds
10) Offer people warmth and reassurance freely
11) Accept that we will not be liked by everyone, and stop people pleasing
12) Feel reasonably comfortable about not always conforming to people's expectations
13) Take our boredom seriously

[ergophonic]

"I was an idiot yesterday, I am an idiot today, and I will be an idiot tomorrow."
Thank you for the new mantra, I shall use it daily.

[SearchOfSelf]

I like how the video says it's okay to be weird and not everyone has to like you. It's hard to remember sometimes, but it's a good thing to keep in mind.

[WigglyTuffStuff]

After watching this series for years, I definitely feel closer to being emotionally mature than I did before

[franqusco]

"We wouldn't hold it against them that they didn't understand things we had never bothered to teach them."

Wisest thing I've heard in a while.
I'm in a relationship where sometimes I feel too lost in understanding if the things I say and do are really that much stupid. I feel like I get many things wrong and I feel my partner can't be really satisfied.

This makes me wonder that perhaps, unconsciously, I can make her feel the same and that she's somewhat trying to understand me too.

From now on I feel I can be more forgiving with myself for not knowing everything before I learn it and more forgiving with her too when I feel she's not getting what I consider the basics.

Thanks for the blessing, hope everyone's enjoying life as it is.

[akosan]

I'm just grateful that every week I have the privilege of having one of your videos. It make me feel there is always hope and a glimpse of optimism despite of how difficult life, love and living is. Or better: that I am not alone.

[massmanpro]

The amount of people who need to see this video is astonishing.

[sakinastraveldiary]

Who else is secretly in love with the narrator's voice?

[reubenrodrigues]

I have been watching the School of life since many many years now, and the knowledge which you and your entire team has imparted has had a huge impact on my life and I want to thank-you and pray for your and your team that you guys can be safe and healthy and make many more of these life changing videos which makes us stop and think for a minute, making us look inward. Wishing you all a very happy New Year 2024!

[TheSoundofTanay]

Thank you School of Life for being my third parent.

[Sylar-]

This is one of the most important things that society (and individuals) could benefit from as it hopefully becomes more widespread.

After 23 years of depression, anxiety, undiagnosed ADHD and short stay in the looney bin, my life is actually worth living and largely enjoyable now thanks to learning, building, and maintaining my mental wellbeing.

Now I'm even writing a novel on it in hope that it will help others avoid the rabbit holes of an untrained mind in a chaotic world.

[liana]

So funny, I was going to scroll past this video, but the video below had a woman pointing at this one so I stopped and went back 😅.

I really needed this video at this very moment. I just got back from work, finally had a chance to wind down, and I got wrote up for asking for advice from coworkers among other things of the sort, and I went to the bathroom and cried. They made me feel so bad about myself…I kept a calm, steady demeanor when they spoke to me, apologized, one of them didn’t even want to look me in the face during the conversation :, (. He kept an umbrella between us. I left, walked to my car holding in tears, then got in and sat in silence.

I’m going to go into my last shift of the week tomorrow and in the end resign :, ). I don’t have issues with expressing myself nor embarrassment. Why would I want to stay in an environment I will constantly feel insecure in! Although, you have to still keep a clear mind, and act respectfully. No matter if they make u cry! Some may see it as a negative thing for me to quit 🤷‍♀️ I trust myself, I am able to flourish elsewhere and that’s what this video needed to remind me ♥️.

[OneMan-wlwj]

Would also like to add one more characteristic... the recognition that 99.999% of people around you don't give a rats ass about emotional maturity and, therefore, lowering one's expectations of finding others respectful and appreciative of your journey is a given.

[Ruma_spice]

I think emotional intelligence is a journey. If someone sees it as a goal to be 'reached, ' it may not reflect emotional maturity. Self-understanding comes from both introspection and an openness to life. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from them—give yourself grace, then move on. Our emotions are powerful and can teach us a lot about ourselves. Keep healing, getting to know the intricate parts of your deeper self! Who knows, perhaps you might find yourself. ♡

[ThePsychGuides]

Being emotionally mature is to deal with your emotions effectively, maintain healthy relationships, and be adaptive to change.

[SchienenGreif]

Thank you for helping me becoming the person I needed as a child 🤗

[nizasiamehenry]

Emotional intelligence very important.

[Relle.]

This video came at the perfect time. I always struggled with being calm then switching to blind rage… this helped me understand the deeper dynamics within myself and other people. Great work, School of Life🦋✨

[eleonora]

This chanel makes me a better person and also makes me love to do so